yet another abortion story

It's almost three o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep. My mind keeps repeating over and over "I killed my baby. I'm a horrible person. I deserve to die."

(Background info: Last year in June I got pregnant and then had an abortion when I was ten weeks. I was not in a position to financially support the baby at that time. Even though I wanted the baby and loved it and the baby's dad (my boyfriend).)

I just feel so guilty. It's been getting worse lately. I would see a pregnant girl and suddenly I would get so depressed. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to get punished for what I did. For getting an abortion. Which was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. But I deserved it. But anyway I wonder if I will never be able to have any more kids again as a punishment for killing my first.

Anyway I feel so panicky and my heart's beating so fast. I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack. Help please!

Anyone else in a similar situation who can offer any words of advice would be much appreciated.

((( Arethusa ))) ...

Don't absorb the terrorism that anti-abortionists like to inflict upon people whose lives, situations and circumstances they know absolutely nothing about.

If you are a believer, know that God still loves and cares about you no matter what difficult choices you've had to make in this life.

Love and care about yourself no matter what difficult choices you've had to make in this life.

Find a good counselor who can help you work through your grief and loss, as well as any feelings of guilt, shame and self destruction you are feeling over this.

,
Pfrog

I'm trying not to. But it's just so hard. I can't help but think about it. And I. still. can't. sleep. This sucks so much. I wish I could change what happen. Me and my boyfriend could have made it worked. Somehow. I keep thinking what our child would have been like. Makes me ache inside. Is this what it feels like to be a mom?

You were not in a position to adequately care for a child. I have been there too. We do the best we can but sometimes even the right thing is difficult. I had an abortion too. Please be kind to yourself. It is never an easy decision.

I keep telling myself that it was the best decision but I can't stop feeling so guilty

It is imperative that you find a good counselor to help you wade through all the feelings you are having ... I cannot express how important this is, Arethusa ...

but why can't I just treat it myself? self care? besides I don't even have insurance...

I have been there. I understand. I wish I could tell you everything gets better quick. It doesn't quick fix. It takes time. Its been 5 years and its still a work in progress. Keep thinking positive and if you ever need to talk you can pm me.

It might be a good idea to try to see a counselor to help you thru this.

I do want to tell you that you are not a bad person--you were just doing what seemed to be the best thing to do at the time; who can blame you for that?

I would check to see if there are any counselors that will do it for free or work on a sliding scale. Do you have any friends who have been thru the same thing? If so, maybe you can get together so you can talk things out. Abortion is a hard decision and not one that most women take lightly. And it's not unusual for women to go thru all kinds of stuff. But as I said in my other post: you are not a bad person!

If you didn't have the feelings you have, I would say you would have even more serious problems.

Years ago....back in the late 1950's, my mother had an abortion because she got the german measles when she was first pregnant (I was 5 years old...now I'm 60). The chance of having a baby that would have high cost of medical expenses was great & my parents were unable to care for a baby like that. When I got married, my H's mother had the same situation but chose to have the baby & he had none of the problems my parents were told about......bringing back up to my mother the decision she had made over 20 years before. Just 8 years ago when my mother was dying of cancer.....she ask me if God was punishing her for having had the abortion......I assured her that our loving God doesn't do things like that.

I know that when I was first married & going for my degree I ended up pregnant & the first solution my H came up with was take time off & go back & get my degree later.....I was about to get an abortion because I wasn't about to go back later & get my degree since it was something I specifically stated my opinion about before we ever got married. My parents were willing to care for our daughter & things worked out well.......sometimes we panic & take action before we are able to look at all the possibilities, even that there are so many families out there who want children who are unable to have babies of their own.

The thoughts you are having are the thoughts I had when I was in the process of deciding whether to have an abortion or not......you are not alone. Ask a mom who has lost a child whether the pain is the same as you are experiencing.....you can be sure it is.

As with my mother time passes & the pain of making the decision passes.....but the memory is there just as the memory continues to be there for all the difficult choices we make in our life but we learn to live with the memories of our decisions over time. It doesn't feel like for quite awhile after.

It is important to have therapy to help process your thoughts.....there have been studies that show that people who have gone through abortions have ended up with ED's (eating disorders) & of course, major depression due to the pain they experience. We have a wonderful community mental health group where I live....it helps even those with no money to pay for therapy....maybe you have something available like that in the area where you live.

My heart is with you & I understand the pain & grief you are experiencing.....just as with all grief, it's important to understand it & to get help processing it.

After reading all these compassionate responses about a touchy subject, I just want to say I feel privileged to be a part of psych central.

I also don't think you did anything wrong Arethusa. I also believe God loves you and understands.

I strongly encourage you to try to find a counselor. Maybe contact local public health or possibly Planned Parenthood could refer you to someone?

Thanks guys for the support.
I feel much better tonight thankfully

Hi Artehusa,

I just wanted to say that you did the loving and responsible thing in my view. Some people estimate that one in three American women will get an abortion in her lifetime, so know that you are far from alone.

I volunteer for an abortion fund hotline, and I joined to let you know about a resource called the Exhale Hotline (exhaleprovoice[dot]org, I'm not allowed to post links yet...). There's a free number you can call to talk with someone who is specially trained to speak with people who have had abortions and want to talk about it. Just wanted to throw that out there in case you're interested.

You made a tough decision, but I'm sure it was the right one for you. Anyone who makes you feel badly should be ashamed for judging a situation that only you could know best. It says more about them than it does about you.

Sending my best thoughts.