[Bark]

New thread, everybody!

I'd like to start this thread with an up: four months of mental torment is finally over! I finally submitted the paper and wrote the exam for a class I had last semester. And I passed! Woohoo!

[bluedolphin92]

Still feeling pretty far down, though I suppose I've been worse. Found out the other day that my parents and I will be going on vacation the second week of June, to North Carolina. That should be fun, at the very least it will be a break from the normal, boring routine I've settled into. Hopefully I'm able to improve enough by then to actually enjoy my time on vacation. Time will tell, I suppose.

I don't know how many people here who are reading this care/remember a couple weeks ago when I was talking about that guy friend of mine from the internet who I met in real life for the first time. Just to recap: I've known this guy from another internet forum for about 7 years now. I met him in real life for the first time to go to a concert a couple weeks ago, and ended up having sex with him. Ever since I've been kind of confused about what the whole thing meant.

Anyway, I've been texting him almost every day since then, but lately it's seemed like he's not been quite as interested in texting. He used to initiate conversations through text all the time even if he didn't have much to say, which I liked because it just let me know he was thinking about me. Lately I've had to initiate almost everything, and I feel like I start to annoy him at times. Earlier today I finally worked up the courage to text him saying that I had been thinking a lot about what exactly our meeting meant and...he's yet to respond =/ I know that he would have been at work when I sent the text and I don't know whether or not he had any plans for this evening, so I'm hoping that he's just waiting until he has some real free time to respond because he wants to talk about it seriously, though part of me is worried that I've scared him off or something.

[davmid]

I had a genuinely happy moment today! It's the first time in many months that I can remember being happy and being completely in the moment. It wasn't until after it happened that I noticed it and was so surprised by the feelings I just had!

My daughter is away for a high school track meet- State Championships- and she's there to compete in High Jump. She's an amazing, graceful athlete and beautiful to watch, but at 5' 4" tall, she's on of the smallest jumpers!

I was able to watch some of the meet via a live stream but they didn't show coverage of the high jump event, which I was really upset about. I did see her several times, but just while she was sitting or standing around. I was also tracking a live text feed of the results and when I saw hers pop up- it it showed that she finished 6th in the State! She jumped 5'2"- her personal record!

By the time I saw the results she was off the field and we were able to text back and forth a few times. I was so excited for her and so proud! And those were the only feelings I felt at that moment. I had forgotten that those kind of feelings existed....

[shortandcute]

Better than I was this morning, but I feel very tired. I volunteered at a thrift store for about 3 and a half hours, then cleaned my bathroom when I got home--to me that's a big day! I'm also emotionally tired: tired of not having SSD yet, tired of trying to fake it, just tired.

Today was an OK day at work. Very slow because it's a day before a three day weekend. Lots of people were out. I got a little bit upset at a guy who works in IT (he's the only one that works in that dept.). I like him but I got upset because he was talking about taking two days off after Monday and then having a whole week off after that. It seems like he's gone a lot.

While he's gone, it can mean a little extra work for me. Plus all kinds of boxes he will get while he's gone and it will pile up in my little office.

Later in the day it did not go well. I got a message saying to call the urologist for an appointment. And then I got some statements for expenses that were unexpected.

I worked out after work and it went great. But I went to the hot tube area at home and a couple of people had come in that I was not crazy about. So that ruined my night. Oh well!

[Nammu]

Finally slept after 3 days of 30 minute cat naps, naturally I fell asleep during the day and woke up at 9:30 pm to a blinking clock(thunderstorms passed though and brought dry air{thank goodness} if it is too windy here the eclectic goes out.) totally confused. I feel stronger and more positive than I have for a while. I did try to get back to sleep for the night but no luck.

Started out thinking it was the blahs but now feels more like depression and I don't have time to be depressed today.
I am alone but for work today and tomorrow and I really don't care for it, especially since I know that my daughter is going on a picnic to the mountains that I know she will make the best of, but its with her mama's boyfriend and even though she does like him, she wants her family to do these things. She does not want a new family. She wants us back together. I know it would not be the worlds greatest relationship, but I would gladly reconcile with my ex, especially if it benefits my daughter.

[Turtleboy]

feeling good, watched a good movie and stuffed our faces last night great night

[tigerlily84]

Thanks for the new thread Bark!!

So, I feel better. Well I'll amend that. I still feel a bit disconnected. Like all my emotions are just beneath the surface. But I'm surviving. I am here.

Last night I got together with some friends and actually had fun. I didn't stay for long but I'm glad that I went. I think I may have been overly sentimental but I realized that I do have friends that care about me. My therapist called me to check in with me, and I felt like she cared too. And my mom wrote me a note to call her if I needed to. And all of you guys here on PC help me so much. And I even wrote a few anonymous emails to the Samaritans and some of their volunteers have been emailing me back.

I am humbled that anyone would care about me at all. And it's making me think twice about wanting to end my life. So thank you, I really and truly mean that.

[gracez]

Been trying to watch movies to take my mind of things & relax, but I never really relax. I took the dogs where I am dog sitting for a walk last night and tried to enjoy - I rationalized it, telling myself walking is nice, flowers, blue sky, happy dogs - but I didn't feel any joy, never do. At least the dogs did and I did right by them. It's 10 am and I'm still in bed. I've been really tired. I see no point in getting out of bed. So I think I'll stay.

[whimsygirl]

Sending warm thoughts and hugs to everyone. I know for me weekends in general are more difficult....and 3-day holiday weekends tend to be worse, but I'm gonna try to let go of all that and make these days okay. Here's hoping for the best And for anyone really struggling right now I pray something will turn around for you asap ~whimsy

[bluedolphin92]

So the guy finally got back to me...He said that long distance relationships have always been bad for him in the past, and that ours would be the furthest one for him (He lives near Chicago and I live near Cleveland), so...yeah =/. He said that he felt like a bastard for what he said and did when we met, and felt terrible about not texting me as much lately as he'd been unsure how to bring up the issue. (I'm kind of happy about that, I feel as though he SHOULD feel kind of bad. He definitely hurt me and even though I know he didn't mean to, the damage is done.) He did say he wants to keep talking to me though, so there's that. I don't want to lose him as a friend even if I can't be with him in a romantic way. I appreciate the fact that he was honest with me and I can see where he's coming from (Long distance relationships hardly ever seem to work out well for anyone), but it still feels terrible. I really, really like this guy. I might even love him (Though I certainly haven't told him that. That word gets tossed around so carelessly these days that I don't want to use it unless I really am 100% certain). I've just known him for so long and have been such good friends with him even if it was only online. I just feel like the feelings I have for him have been developing for so long that it will take awhile for me to feel the same about anyone else. I guess that's part of the feeling of heartbreak, though. Ugh I've already cried twice about this since getting his text last night and am starting to cry again as I recount it. It's good to let the emotions out, though, terrible as they are.

I have been thinking lately about how I'd like to move a bit further away from home after graduating college (Not just because of him. Though he might be a factor, I just have a general desire to break away from my family and feel that I need some distance in order to do that). That won't be for another two years though. I did mention something about that to him, asking if he ever thought we had a chance at anything and hinting that I could move closer to him after graduation (In a totally non-committal way. Just tossing the idea around). Told him I didn't want any false hope but was just curios about his thoughts on the matter. Will await his response =/

Personally I feel that if I really am able to move closer to him and we are both available and still interested in one another at that point, great. If not, then maybe it wasn't meant to be. I don't really believe in "fate" but it is what it is...Hopefully he feels a similar way.

[herethennow]

feeling so helpless worthless and all and i can't stop the destructive thoughts.

great, just when i thought i moved a little bit out of crisis. i'm back to where i was.`

I. Am. Tired. Need I say more?

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by herethennow

feeling so helpless worthless and all and i can't stop the destructive thoughts.

great, just when i thought i moved a little bit out of crisis. i'm back to where i was.`

So sorry you're going through this....for me I know those ups and downs can be the hardest thing to take. I pray that something gets better for you ~whimsy

[tigerlily84]

I would like to crawl into a hole and stay there.

But no, it's my dad's birthday. I got him this cool book about fathers. Maybe I should save it for Father's day? I kinda want to give it to him now. I don't have any money, and the book was like $4.

I don't have time to feel depressed today. Time to pretend.

[Bark]

I haven't been organizing my time right, never do, and I know that I need to learn that skill.

Still have papers to finish, but I just want it to be over. I want my break already. One way or another, it'll be over Monday, but I'd rather have done well on my papers than hand in sloppy work. Then again, if I hand in something, I'll be happy with that. Four papers in a week... that would make up for the months I never wrote one, and the year or two I didn't write a proper one.

I think I should leave them for tomorrow, plan my time right then. I've been sleeping late, and I know that I should try sleeping at a regular time... not to mention I have to wake up real early tomorrow. Oh, and I have to move out by tomorrow. Groan.

But come Monday, it will all be over. My first real break from worrying about studies since last year. I'm very much looking forward to that.

Mood-wise, I'm so incredibly thankful that it's been mostly stable. I've been hit by depression at night a few times, but I can live with that. This is the most stable and functional I've been in a long while.

Quote from Whimsey : "I know for me weekends in general are more difficult....and 3-day holiday weekends tend to be worse, but I'm gonna try to let go of all that and make these days okay. Here's hoping for the best And for anyone really struggling right now I pray something will turn around for you asap"

Here, here! I feel exactly the same way. Weekends always seem difficult for me, especially when it gets into late Saturday afternoon and beyond. Yes, a three-day weekend does get hard for me.

Since this is the kick-off for summer (and it feels like it where I am) it's a time for rowdiness, excessive noise (all of this just outside of my window), and there should be lots of screaming kids in the pool area. Gotta love it!

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

I would like to crawl into a hole and stay there.

But no, it's my dad's birthday. I got him this cool book about fathers. Maybe I should save it for Father's day? I kinda want to give it to him now. I don't have any money, and the book was like $4.

I don't have time to feel depressed today. Time to pretend.

Hey tigerlily....I've been reading some of your recent posts and I'm kinda confused So is it just me or are you doing the roller coaster thing? Just curious ~whimsy

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Bark

I haven't been organizing my time right, never do, and I know that I need to learn that skill.

Still have papers to finish, but I just want it to be over. I want my break already. One way or another, it'll be over Monday, but I'd rather have done well on my papers than hand in sloppy work. Then again, if I hand in something, I'll be happy with that. Four papers in a week... that would make up for the months I never wrote one, and the year or two I didn't write a proper one.

I think I should leave them for tomorrow, plan my time right then. I've been sleeping late, and I know that I should try sleeping at a regular time... not to mention I have to wake up real early tomorrow. Oh, and I have to move out by tomorrow. Groan.

But come Monday, it will all be over. My first real break from worrying about studies since last year. I'm very much looking forward to that.

Mood-wise, I'm so incredibly thankful that it's been mostly stable. I've been hit by depression at night a few times, but I can live with that. This is the most stable and functional I've been in a long while.

It seems like your recent hospitalization was very beneficial for you. I'm really glad for you. It is great.

[tigerlily84]

Originally Posted by whimsygirl

Hey tigerlily....I've been reading some of your recent posts and I'm kinda confused So is it just me or are you doing the roller coaster thing? Just curious ~whimsy

Hi Whim, you are right, I am on that super fun rollercoaster that we all know and love. (That was sarcasm) Everyday is a struggle for me at the moment.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by will19

Here, here! I feel exactly the same way. Weekends always seem difficult for me, especially when it gets into late Saturday afternoon and beyond. Yes, a three-day weekend does get hard for me.

Since this is the kick-off for summer (and it feels like it where I am) it's a time for rowdiness, excessive noise (all of this just outside of my window), and there should be lots of screaming kids in the pool area. Gotta love it!

Hi will19....Just wanted to wish you all the best. I know for me weekends always bring up the lonely feelings even more than usual, as I think of them as times that other people spend time with family and friends....and that's just not my reality. And if 2 days are difficult, well then those darn holiday weekends are just the same plus more Anyway, sending good thoughts your way ~whimsy

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

Hi Whim, you are right, I am on that super fun rollercoaster that we all know and love. (That was sarcasm) Everyday is a struggle for me at the moment.

That damn roller coaster Sending good thoughts, hugs, and hopes that things get better ~whimsy

[optimize990h]

I having motivational frustration, though inderal keeps things less stressful. I am hopeful to meet my achievable goals.

[Bark]

I'm still awake, and I only just took my medication. Why am I doing this to myself?