[adam_k]

For the last week I have been feeling really down. It started mostly last weekend. I went with a friend to the Indy 500 and I had some fun at first, but then I started to notice all of the happy couple enjoying spending time with each other. Then I started to feel sad because I don't have that with my marriage. We used to do stuff together but anymore it is hard to get her to do anyhing on the days when I feel okay enough to enjoy myself. Trust is also another issue I am having with her. Then to complicate things I don't have much middle ground when it comes to how I feel about people that are close to me. It is either love and hate. I never used to feel this way about her until she cheated, which triggered my sense of abandonment, not to mention a endless source of angry I can't seem to get rid of. I also have lost attraction to her in the recent years. She was a little heavy when we got married, but I still found her cute. Now she is heavier and falls well into the obese category medically and I just don't feel it. How do you even tell a spouse that?

We are in marriage counseling and trying to make things better. I don't have a constant sense of what I want. Someweeks I want it to work, others I want to throw my hands up. Othertimes I just want to give up on life, so clearly my think at least impaired by depression.

We had a serious talk a couple of weeks ago, and I told her about liking her somedays and hating her others. As you can imagine it didn't go over well. It made her want to give up on things too, but all I can be is honest on how I feel, even they it is irratactic and turbulent. Near the end of the conversation she said somethingthing that troubled me. She said she wouldn't want to live if I left her. I don't think she was being manipulative, but being honest. She is completely financial dependant on me and would have no way to support herself if I left. I feel trapped. It feels like my choice is I stay and maybe I feel better about things, or I leave and she kills herself. The rational part of me says it is her choice and I have just cause to leave. I deserve to he in a healthy supportive releationship. Then there is the guilt. What if she did it. I think I would feel much worse if I had that on my mind. It wouldn't be my fault, but I know I would blame myself for it. It makes me feel trapped.

We have counseling next wed, and I planned on bringing this up. I can't deal with it. I have enough problems convincing myself life is worth living, I don't know how to deal with her issues.

So I have been mostly depressed this week, after a realization on how things are. Maybe I am just seeing the dark side of things.

I was supposed to call my therapist if I started having suicidal thoughts, or wanted to self harm but I haven't. I feel bad for lieing to her and telling her that I would. I've self harmed a couple times this week and I know it doesn't fix anything, but I just wanted to feel somewhat in control of how I feel. It slightly helped for a little while, but it didn't fix anything and I still feel depressed. I hope thing pick up.

I see my pdoc Tuesday and maybe more meds may help. I know things kinda suck with my marriage, but I shouldn't feel this bad about it. I'm starting to lose motivation and starting to withdraw from everything.

[Bluegerbera1]

That must be so hard. Please don't give up. You have to do whatever is right for you otherwise you will both be destroyed in the long run. I would bring it up in counselling about her threat. She sounds like she needs individual help too. Relationship problems are hard enough to deal with when we are feeling reasonably strong so you should make the most of all the help available. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Hope things get better.
Keep talking on here. I find it really helps

[Pierro]

I'm so sorry to hear your plight Adam. It must be so difficult trying to fathom out your own illness not to mention your marriage problems. Did the therapist suggest you do something together like starting off by going for a walk, some gentle exercise. As you said self harming doesn't solve anything, but I know it feels good and in control in that part of your life. It's obvious your wife loves you very much. I know depression for me is self absorbtion, I'm so wrapped up in my self I get so guilty about this. I wish you both all the very best and hope that you can hit on some common ground.

[adam_k]

So far in therapy we have mainly worked on communication and openly talking to eachother. I don't believe her threat was directed at me, but more of a statement that she doesn't know what to do without me. She has withdrawn from a lot of her responibilities and relies on me pretty heavily for a lot of things. My T says it sounds like a.parent child releationship by the way I describe things, as far as financial stuff. It feels like that a lot of the time too. It is difficult to rely on someone for support when they are dependant on you. When I try to open up to her about this, she just gets sad, which makes me feel worse. Then toncomplicate things she had a couple online romances which broke my trust in her and I don't want to share. My instincts want to push her away.

In a word, I feel hopeless. Having depression is a difficult obstacle to deal with, but the marriage issues has me in a rocky circumstance. I don't know what I want, I have a lot of conflicting emotions over it. I know things can get better with work and effort. For better or for worse she is my wife and she does love me. I mostly love her, but at times I have trust issues and am hurt by what she did and that makes me want to run away from it. My depression makes things worse, and I withdraw and am not really there like a spouse should be.

I think she did what she did out of lonilness and desperation. I love her, but I don't always show it and I think I put my marriage on the back burner as I was trying to focus on school and getting a good job to support us. I tried to do good, but often times I feel like I have failed and am not a very good husband. Maybe that comes from low self esteem and general feeling of worthlessness. I try to reason things out, and I know I should feel good about who I am, but I can't seem to shake the feelings. I don't know why I have to have people care about me and show interest in me to feel good about myself and why it is so devastating to me when the opposite happens. It is maddening to me. I wish I had a better sense of who I am and a stable image of myself. I hope therapy can help me work this out. I don't have faith in the medications. People say they works, but after half a dozen I have seen only mild results. I think a lot of my depression is because of how I think, and the experiences that made me who I am.

[bharani1008]

Almost everyone depends on other people to measure oneself. If we could stop doing that it would be great but it is so natural. I've started an experiment with myself. I have chosen to love myself unconditionally. No matter what outside world tells me. Even if see my faults I still must love myself. That's the bargain I have made.
It sounds to me that you are doing all you can for your marriage, but are you doing everything you can for for yourself?
I've never been successful in a relationship myself. They are so complicated. Trust is so fragile.
I just want you to know that I truly sympathize with you.