i feel depressed anxious and a mess as always, when does it end?

ok i know i just wrote a post but i have a lot on my mind. i have lost several good friends (some of them really close friends) over the past year for whatever reasons. when the first one happened - when i lost the first friend i thought it had nothing to do with me but know that i just lost two more i am thinking maybe there is something wrong with me and i am not acting right or something, that there is something intrisictly (sp?) wrong with me. i called two of them today, they won't return my calls. it hurts, a lot. i still have other good friends that have stuck by me thru my ups and downs (i have a lot of them). so i am lucky in that respect. one of my closest friends says to just forget about it, let it go. i am always not sure who's fault is what. well sometims i feel that way, i guess a lot. like who's fault is it that these friendships ended, am i bad in some ways? i should just let it go if they don't want to talk to me and if i did make mistakes even though deep inside i don't feel like it is all my fault then i know i should just let it go and focus on the good friends i am lucky to have. maybe the other ones aren't meant to be. one i don't care about too much, b/c i have no respect for her. i analyze and obsess too much. question myself too much. i drive myself absolutely crazy! why can't my mind relax. i am tired somtimes but still anxious., i hate it. i am depressed and anxious a lot of the time. take my pills - actually more anxious than depressed. always feel keyed up. i take klonopin which relaxes me but makes me depressed or out of it sometimes. i don't have time to fool around with the meds AGAIN. working out helps. i have been trying to work out almost every day. i thought i was happy at my last job, i thought it was the best job ever at first, then i find out all the pressure is on me - that i am the only sales person at the startup, that if i don't make a sale in my first 3 mos (i was initially told i wasn't expectected to make a sale in that time period that it was a training/learning curve time) at first they were so happy with me but i was unable to make a sale in this time period - the product is like 125K a month, so it is a long sales cycle. and they didn't go into markets they promised me they would etc. so all so disapointing, i put my heart and soul in that job. then in the same week i am told that i am getting laid off, they can't afford to pay my base salary anymore (4 person co.) and a guy i went on a second date with treats me badly. it made me cycle into a depressed anxious state for a few days. it was horrible. i am feeling better but still picking up pieces from that week. i ended up sending one of the guys i didn't like at company a nasty email about him and his personality - it was really inappropriate, but as my brother says i was all wound up that day. i tried to make it up by buying his daughter a present and apologizing to the 3 or them (really 3 person co. now)., but it wasn't good. i have to learn to keep my emotions at bay., i am too impulsive and don't think and spiral out of control. i got so upset about it all including the guy i wrote about in the other post - i only went on two dates with him. i am 33 almost 34, am just tired of still trying to get it together job wise, money wise and guy wise. when will it all work out? is there a guy out there for me?? at least the job i am interviewing for i feel i would be good at. i am thinking of claiming bankruptcy, i owe like 20K and haven't paid some of my creditors in mos and mos. so really giving me anxiety i need to deal with that i really have to promise myself that either i do a payment plan with them or claim bankruptcy., i don't know which to do. i think i would rather do a payment plan. i am going to be paying forever though. my credit is ruined. i let my drivers lis. and need it for this job, now i think i have to retake the roadtest and i don't even know how to parellel park. mess my life is a continous mess. i have to also organize my papers. they are everywhere. help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hi christie. i just want to touch on a little bit of your post. you sure have a lot going on. if you feel that your meds need to be adjusted please try to find the patience to talk with your doc and try. sometimes after a time our bodies get used to one medicine and need a switch to something else to keep things going properly.

I wanted to comment about your friends. With several deaths in your circle of friends recently it must be stressful on all of you. I absolutely would not assume that the loss of contact with some of them has anything to do with you. They may be isolating themselves a bit due to depression following these events. And sometimes I have found that when the grieving process is through, the people who you supported sort of detach so they can get their lives back together without the painful memories. I'm not saying they do this on purpose, it just seems to be a "survival instinct" that many people have, and it can be a painful experience for those that helped support them because all of a sudden a bond seems to be broken.

I think that there are many reasons given all the stress you and your friends must be under that some of them may be pulling away so i don't think you should have any fear that something is wrong with you. Concentrate on the friends that are still supportive, talk to them and let them help if they can.

Good luck christie, take care of yourself.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

I agree with what dexter said. After I lost someone, the only way for me to recover was to get away from all the memories and people that we knew together. I still cared, but I had to heal. Perhaps this is what is happening with your friends. But I was wondering if this was what you meant. How did you lose your friends?
-Ariel

-Ariel

Whatever you can do,
Or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic, in it.
-Goethe