I feel like a mess

I just need to vent and possibly some words of advice or support from anyone willing to listen...

How can I stop worrying about the future? And how do you know when the worrying is warranted or irrational? I have been married for 2 years, have had our ups and downs, own a home, are both 27, make a modest living, have great friends and families. But I still sometimes get totally overwhelmed with "what ifs". I've brought this up before but let me go into a little bit of specifics.

I am afraid to have children- I worry that I/we would "mess them up" somehow. We talk about having a baby in a couple of years but are both unsure of whether we'd want one or two. So many people have told me "You CAN'T just have one!". And I work full time and love my job and would not want to be stay-at-home mom. On that topic, I've been told, "Kids who have a parent at home do better". On that note, if one of us were to stay at home, it would be my husband who would love to do that.. Of course many have strong feelings about that as well. Also, he is a musician (in his spare time) and my parents have often implied that once kids come into the picture "It is time to grow up and he'll need to focus on that". I'm not saying that with a baby at home, he'd be gone all the time, but I also don't like the idea of either of us giving up things that make us who we are in exchange for a family- can't there be both??

I feel that we are very unique individuals and a unique couple and will have our own way of doing things. I guess it is just difficult for me because what others have to say really sticks in my head and replays over and over again!

It is difficult because my husband doesn't understand why I worry to this extent. He really feels that things will just work out, we will be great parents, but that we (meaning both us as a couple and human beings in general) cannot plan out our lives. But for me, the not knowing, not being able to plan and control, is what really freaks me out.

Please help. I don't want my fears to stop me from getting excited about the future.

i know exactly how you feel! i am 28 and married. we've been in our new house for a year and are discussing having kids. as much as i would like to be excited about the future and what it has in store for us, i can't. i too worry a lot! i constantly worry about everything and feel unsure about the future.
you are definitley not alone!!! pm me anytime if you need to talk!

((((tiodlliwi))))

I don't know where to start....
I too am a self proclaimed "stresshead" I worry about all kinds of things.

I have given up on worrying.... Life is far too short to spend it worrying about things that may or may not be in my control!!!

I do not have any kids of my own, but my partner has 2 from a previous marriage..... Kids are kids & what is good for one, may not be good for another!!!

I have been told by many parents that being a parent is purely trial & error..... I don't think anyone has the perfect child????

I believe that it's about you & your husband finding what suits you & your lifestyles!!!!

Things do work out, but it's all about finding common ground & a place where you all feel comfortable!!!

Flinty

((((( tiodlliwi )))))

I think one of the keys to not letting "worry" get in the way of living is to consider what is the worst that could happen and how would you deal with it? I tend to be a worrier also. What I've taught myself over the years is that 99.999999% of the time, when I worry about the worst thing that could happen, 1. it doesn't happen 2. it wasn't half as bad as I worried it might be and 3. If I planned for the worst, it wasn't as stressful to me because I had planned out the options to deal with it. When worry strikes, it helps a lot to mentally tell yourself over and over again that what happens happens...and you will deal with it when and if it does happen. I'm not saying that it's easy to do that. It takes practice and patience with yourself as you train your way of thinking.

I have always been a control freak. Always wanting to have control over everything from my own life, to my kids lives, to work and whatever else was happening. I had to train myself that there are only so many things under MY control and to worry about what I can't control was taking away from living my life as stress free as possible.

Of course, being a parent is a huge responsibility. I've known parents who were lousy at parenting and had awesome kids. I've known parents who did their best to do everything right and were great parents and they had kids that were constantly in trouble and had many issues. A lot of parenting is a crap shoot. All we can do is to do the best we can with what we have to work with at the time. We are human, we make mistakes, but we also do things right too. As long as you do what is in your heart, it cannot be wrong.

Nothing bothers me more than when well-meaning folks try to push their own ideals and thoughts on others. Why can't you have just one child??? Why can't you have 10??? Why can't you have none??? It's YOUR life right? Until those folks get to walk in your shoes and live your life, they have no right to push their agenda and beliefs on you. I always welcome peoples thoughts on subjects, but I let them know that I appreciate their take on things, but it's MY decision that counts for ME. I expect to be respected for making my own decisions as I respect them for what they feel is right in their life.

Nothing in life is engraved in stone. There are twists and turns along every road we travel. We cannot plan our lives out to the point where we dismiss open doors along the way. Those open doors can take us in different directions and give us many different opportunities. I'm not saying that we shouldn't plan anything at all, just be open to endless possibilities!

I hope you can find some peace from your worry. It can stop you from doing so many wonderful things in life, and it can stop you from learning and growing. Relax, take a deep breath, take your hubby's hand and go with the flow! You will be fine

Hugssssss
J

one important thing to do is remember it's YOUR life and you're ultimately in charge of how you live and how you feel about it.........turn your head and do what you feel is best. people will either fall in line or fall by the wayside. either way, it's a win-win situation.......xoxoxo pat

Hi There --

I tend to be what my family calls a "worrywart" and my emotions even take out this stress out on my body.

This isn't going to be a popular a solution with many but the thing that has helped most has been learning to pray.

In the decades before this, yoga and lots of exercise helped, and before that I supplemented the exercise with drugs and alcohol, and plenty of 'em.

The other thing that has helped, I think, is getting older because all that worrying just plum wears a gal out.

I hope you find the stress relievers that work for you. And don't worry about finding them in the meantime.

that's supposed to be a little joke.

Thanks you guys- it is so nice to have people support you and know what it's like. Sometimes I could strangle my husband because he is so "everything will work out", "there's no reason to worry", "live for the day", etc. But really, if I had someone more like myself, always worried about what ifs and planning the future, not living in the present, I would be nuts. We balance each other. And really, I love my cute little house- even if it's tiny and the basement gets a little water in and with all its other minor repairs needed. We will fix one thing at a time, hope to move to a bigger home SOMEDAY when the time is right, and for now just appreciate that we have a home, shelter, and the most important things in life...

So I am learning to be appreciative of what I have- and I am also really working on not caring if these things don't meet others' standards.

Thanks again!

Hello Ti.
I hope you are doing well at this time. It is a good thing that you are realizing that you are focusing too much on what will happen in the future. I really feel that if you get a therapist that all of the burdens you are imagining at this time that are threatening to you could be lessened by someone else helping you decide what is necessary to address and when to address the issues you are facing alone at this time. Therapists are not just for time of crisis they also help retrain negative behaviors and turn the negative components of the behavior into positives to lifes trials and consequences. Dr Wylie Psisci can also help direct you to the proper help if you are interested in the future. Take care I hope the best for you Soidhonia

So glad you're feeling better