my last hope

I don't know how to start. I'm scare of a bad reaction from someone. I suffer from depression but until my eldest son was killed 17 months ago its been terrible and not controlable. I'm always crying, I wake up with a really heavy feeling. I get hurt over nothing and if someone is angry or mean it brings me right down. I hate myself for being such a baby. I think about suicide all the time but I have 3 children at home who need me so i hate myself even more for not wanting to be here. im embarrassed to admit it but i am so terribly lonely. my husband committed suicide 13 years ago and so did my sister who was also my best friend. i don't have any real family so no support. i dont know how to keep myself going anymore. can anyone help me? ive been taking prozac for years but its not enough anymore. i was prescibed seroquel but stopped as it made me sleepy and also zispin tecently but that made me sleepy and i couldnt wake up enough to be a proper mum.

So sorry you are hurting. You do have a lot of pain & loss to bear and good reasons for being depressed. It's normal given the terrible losses you & your kids have suffered, even though it does hurt so much. Please hang on for your kids. They need & love you just like you need & love them.

I can only suggest seeing your doctor again, adjusting the medication again to find the right one.
But also, maybe someone to talk to, a pastor, priest, counselor perhaps? Gentle Hugs to you ~

I'm so sorry for all the pain you have had. The post above covers everything I would like to saw. Welcome here, this is a very good place for some support. I would strongly recommend talking to some such as a counsellor.

Multiple tragic losses... I'm sorry.
With three children at home, do you have any time to yourself? Is there anyone or any resource that could provide you some mother/caregiver respite?

Thank you for joining. I hope you find help and comfort here.

thank you for taking time to reply. i did try a therapist and he said was suffering from selig syndrome aka learned helplessness. not sure i agree. i cannot afford therapy at the moment. when im well im a real trooper and tryer and always positive. this is first time depression has been uncontrollable. i took seroquel last night as my thoughts were all over the place and was anxious. i had stopped them because of tiredness. feel a bit calmer today but couldnt stay awake! i wonder if loneliness is part of depression. I've felt it since childhood a lot, even in company of others. its like a big empty space that can rarely feel filled. does any one else feel this?

No wonder you feel so sad. I don't know how you have coped with so much tragedy. I'm so sorry you are having to suffer so much.
Having three kids is both a help and a hindrance isn't it. They can keep you rooted but take a lot of energy. Sometimes it's hard to be strong even when you need to be.
Since you can't afford therapy maybe the helplines can offer a bit of comfort. There's a long list of help numbers in the resource thread at the top of the depression forum. Like someone said, sometimes you may get someone who isn't helpful. Just hang up and try again later and maybe the next person will be who you need them to be.
In the meantime, we are here for you. You have our attention and our support.
I hope you can be better soon

You've described depression beautifully, in my view: "it's like a big empty space that can
rarely be filled." The answer really lies in what we decide to fill that empty space with,
doesn't it?

I've read that the whole purpose of our life is to return to spiritual fullness. Maybe that's
one thing we might consider for filling the empty space.

As bharani1 said, you have our attention and our support.

just talking on hear to people who feel, is good theropy for you has you are lonely and afraid . You have had more than your fair share of bad stuff , when you have something to let go just post it here you wont be judged just given a hug.

Thank you for your support - it really does help knowing there are people out there who actually really do understand how you feel and who actually take a moment to care. Wish I'd found these forums years ago. My mood was up this morning but it's dipping a bit now... At least I had the day though, without longing for oblivion. It rains a lot in Ireland and after a week of sun it is raining again and set in for the week so will have to keep myself busy or it will affect me as always... I hope you are feeling good x

le [quote=genetic;3106143]You've described depression beautifully, in my view: "it's like a big empty space that can
rarely be filled." The answer really lies in what we decide to fill that empty space with,
doesn't it?

I've read that the whole purpose of our life is to return to spiritual fullness. Maybe that's
one thing we might consider for filling the empty space.

As bharani1 said, you have our attention and our support.[/quote
Thank you. It is a comfort talking on here and I'm glad to have found this forum. It's interesting what you say about spiritual fullness. I've always been pretty spiritual and a believer that we keep coming back and choose each life for a reason. It used to really help me cope with my lot - read a couple of books books by Michael Newton 'Journey of the Souls' and 'Destiny of the souls' about life between lives and it really made me believe that no matter how hard life was this life was just a fragment of my existence and that there was a much much bigger picture. I really believed I chose this life wholeheartedly because I wanted to learn, sorrow, loneliness, grief etc. Since my son died I haven't been able to find comfort in it but maybe it will return. Something weird happened after he died, too. I've been under hypnosis a few times and lightly meditated and always I saw a bright blue light which got bigger the deeper I went. But now when I close my eyes all I see is darkness, my blue light has gone. I feel like it's the light in my soul gone out. I wonder if it will ever come back. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

A little paperback called "Around The Year With Emmet Fox" comes about as close as
anyone on the subject of spirituality. You might enjoy it; he talks about returning to
life after death from a purely repetitive stay in heaven and then returning in some other
time for another round of "finding our way back to spirituality". (Not very well put, but
that's what it amounts to in his thinking.) I had a little trouble with that one, but it's just a minuscule portion of his work; most of it is an explanation of the condition of the human and his/her role in life and how to manage that. I like his work, frankly; hope you might, too.

I'm so sorry that you feel this way. I strongly agree about seeing a therapist. ><

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad and yes, there's people here who have felt the same, and might be feeling the same now. We're happy to listen and help as much as we can.

Try to take some small comfort from the idea that you ARE a good mum. You have faced, and are facing, problems and trials greater than most people ever have to. And you have stuck it out for your children. You have chosen to live, for your children.

Hopefully in time you'll live for yourself, but if it's for the children at the moment I'll take that, so long as you live.