[Cataleya]

After one and 1/2 year of being separated, I got divorced about a month ago. I've been feeling so sad, depressed, angry, lonely. I'm terrified there's no hope for me in the future. I'm 38 years old and although to the outside, it looks like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do to get over this pain (exercise, going to church, talking to friends, having a busy job), I can't get to feel better. I don't want to live like this. Last year, when I left home, I was so ready to move on because I thought what I had wasn't the life I wanted. I started dating, and in one year I had three people coming to my life. None of those relationships worked. They left me feeling worse about myself. I never lost contact with my ex husband, because he always represented everything to me: protection, love, stability. He was like everything to me. I was always very impulsive/ explosive and insecure about him. One day, he went out with his family and friends(one of his exes was there). He didn't take me with him, so I lost it. I was so upset that I threw a big fist in front of everybody.

I tried everything after that to save my marriage. Therapy, still loving him...but he was out of it. I finally met a guy and the rest is history. Now, nobody around. My ex still talking to me, but not wanting to get back together. I feel in hell. This is my worst nightmare. Being alone. I don't know what to do. My friends don't know what to do. Therapy doesn't help anymore and church doesn't have to be enough. I'm feeling really hopeless that things are going to get better. I've had my ups and downs, and now I'm in a big down. I'm terrified.

Has anybody gone through anything like this. Does anything help?? I feel unmotivated and without any control over this situation.

[gayleggg]

Sorry you are having such a tough time right now. Glad you found PC. There are a lot of support here. I haven't had your experience but do understand the feeling of hopelessness and agree it sucks. Keep at it one day at a time. Good luck.
Gayle

[kaliope]

only time can heal this wound. getting to know who you are and feeling secure in your ability to care for yourself in every way, physically and emotionally, will set you up to feel secure in your next relationship so you do not repeat the same mistake. you need to be able to meet your own needs so that you are not searching for someone else to do that for you and then being put in a position to feel threatened when they are not there. when you are able to meet them yourself, you are secure, and if your partner can do that for you then that is icing on the cake.

[Melinae]

Kaliope has good advice but I don't agree with her writing "...so you do not repeat the same mistake." What was the mistake? There was no mistake. Relationships can simply fall apart. Regret is detrimental.
Cataleya, I also went through something similar, though I left of my own accord. I'm alone and it's scary, but my general support system is weak. It sounds like yours is better. Even though you've been separated for a while, the actual act of having the divorce finalized brings so much pain, I've learned. People say it will take a while to regain equilibrium. I've learned this in a divorce support group. Have you ever been to one? What you are going through is normal, Cataleya.

[Cataleya]

Thank you for your posts...I feel that one of the hardest things to deal with right now is having put my hopes on a relationship that I thought was going to be perfect for me and was actually going to help me rebuild my life. The last post separation relationship I referred to in my post looked perfect to the outside. It looked like a match made in heaven, but it turned into a total hell and I am aware we each had our big 50% in the mess. He moved on, and that hurt me more because now I'm facing the reality of having divorced my ex and having tried to rebuild without any success. Has any of you gone through something similar? How do you recover? I truly appreciate your comments and help. This is a great forum.

[adam_k]

I don't know what to say, but right now I think my marriage is on the verge of failing. I don't know if it is better to stay or go for me.

I can say that I don't think any relationship will make you happy. That is something you have to find on your own. If your expectation is for someone to come into your life and make you feel on top of the world then I think that is a little unreasonable and will only led to disappointment. Maybe try working on the issues that led to your divorce and finding a way to find fulfillment and meaning. Maybe after that, you can find someone to spend your days with that you enjoy to spend time with.

Yes, Adam is right, in my view. What he is suggesting is that it takes your own
independence before you can be happy in a relationship that is mature and sharing.
Dependency is bothersome in a marriage, in my view. It takes strength to build a
relationship that is lasting, and being co-dependent or dependent just doesn't allow
for the full expression of freedom that one needs in any relationship.

(And I mean freedom in the sense that one has interests, abilities, hobbies, things
that one loves and enjoys.) It's the same thing as saying "don't put all your eggs in
one basket". No one can meet the needs of the overly dependent personality.

The answer is to grow emotionally, financially, and most of all, spiritually for fullness
of life and then share that with someone who is himself mature. The natural protective
and leadership qualities in a healthy man in a woman's life are two very beautiful things
when they are permitted to be used as loving and gentle qualities. And the natural caring, compassionate, and deep love of a healthy woman all make for a very successful marriage.

In one word, maturity is the key, in my view.

[Cataleya]

I agree with both of you Adam, and Genetic. Maturity was not a component in the relationships I tried to build after my marriage fell apart. It was different and confusing. I'm trying my best to get to a better place, both emotionally and spiritually. I don't want to get heart broken anymore and I truly believe in love and marriage. My hope is that it will come back to me in a more mature and calmer form. It is hard to face loneliness, failure, rejection, ONESELF! But, I hope this is going to make stronger and more confident in myself.