[OrionFlinn]

I haven't been doing well lately. It's been affecting my work, and it's been showing physically. A couple coworkers have made comments that I'm not looking well or that I'm looking too skinny or sick or sad or tired.

I'm typically the last person at work. Today I was going through my normal closing shop routine, but out of nowhere another coworker was still there, and as I was walking past her cubicle, she said, "Hey, are you doing okay?" She's probably about 20 years older than me, and she's a very nice and giving person.

It came out of nowhere. I didn't know what to say. I've been very vulnerable lately. I instantly started shaking. I was going to reply with my usual, "Yeah, I'm good, how are you", but for some reason I said, "No. No I'm not doing okay." She told me that she could tell. She asked me if I was sad because my former coworker/friend left the company, and I told her yes. I told her that I didn't really have any other friends or family to hang out with.

She told me that she had already guessed that. She told me that she was sorry I was feeling so sad and that she understood...she understood that he had been my best friend and that I felt very alone. Tears started coming out of my eyes. She told me that I didn't have to feel so all alone and that she'd be there for me. I was shaking uncontrollably. I had to grab hold of the copy machine to steady myself.

She told me that I should believe that I'd see him again. She told me that I was a good person and that I should believe that some good things will happen to me and that I'll have real friends. She told me to keep going on and being myself and that I mattered.

At that point I was basically just in shock. I know I was shaking and that there were tears coming out of my eyes, but I don't know what else I was doing.

She told me that she had helped other coworkers through some difficult times, especially one that had been very depressed and lonely at times and felt like he wasn't accepted by anyone else (he left the company a few months ago, and I thought he was a good guy, and I was sad to see him go. I never had any idea he had been having issues like that).

She told me she would be there for me and that she cared about me and that a lot of other people cared about me too. Again I think I was still just in shock. She asked me to walk with her. I walked her out to her car just sort of chitchatting about holiday plans and such. I had none, but she was going on a great vacation. I thanked her for her kindness.

I was shaking uncontrollably all the way driving home. As soon as I got home, I collapsed on the floor and started sobbing uncontrollably for a few minutes. After that, I've been shaking a lot and have been having panic attack problems.

Cold temperature seems to help a bit. So it's extremely cold in here. I drank a couple cold beers to help calm my nerves too. I don't know what I'll be facing tomorrow at work. I tried for so long to hide my problems. Did they see through me all along? Was I just being an idiot by thinking I hid it so well? Or is it maybe just this one person that somehow sees through it all and wants to help?

I don't know. And now I don't want to go to sleep, because I don't want to face the horribleness of another morning. But it has to happen, so I guess I'll try to get to bed.

[optimize990h]

If at all possible, understand that she tried to do her best to help you. If you have access to a primary doctor/psychotherapist/psychiatrist, then you need to work with a mental health care professional. The both of you need to have a focused therapeutic treatment plan with reachable goals.

You can return to PC forums for support from posting in these forums and trying the chat room.

[Harmacy]

Sorry to hear you've had such a bad experience at work. I've had moments like that where it feels all the defenses come crashing down and it does leave you feeling very vulnerable and exposed.

I think it could be a positive thing that she chose to reach out to you and the fact that she also helped another worker means she's a caring person. By the sounds of it she also waited to speak to you alone as perhaps realized that you would be upset which shows she's a nice person.

If you're having trouble facing going back to work, could you take some sick leave and go see the doctor? It sounds like work would support you and understand that you're having a hard time at the moment. I'm sure they'd be happy to support a valuable employee through some therapy.

Take it easy and hope you have a better day today.

[winter4me]

You have found a friend. She not only was there for you in the moment but had been concerned for you without intruding before this. What happened may feel bad, embarrassing etc. but I think in the long run it is a positive. She sees you as someone with value who has helped others.

[OrionFlinn]

I was really stressed about coming into work today, but I don't think my coworker told anyone else about what happened. Things seem normal. I'm still really embarrassed that she saw me like that, but I'm extremely touched that she cared enough to say anything to me and offer support. I can't talk about everything with her though, because she's a coworker. And I don't see us hanging out outside of work. It was really nice of her to say she cared.

I've decided to give up on trying to make a friend to hang out with. It was stupid of me to think I might be able to do it. I just have to accept the overwhelming loneliness. It's not easy. I'm overhearing everyone's 4th of July plans...pool parties, picnics, BBQs, fireworks. Ugh. I'm going to be locked in my dark apartment watching tv.

[allimsaying]

Thats hard Orion, Ive been there. I probably wont do much the 4th either. I guess I could go for a drive or go drink beer, but idk, I'll probably stick around the house and water the grass.

Im so glad you met the kind lady at work. She sounds like a real angel for sure.

[TippPatt]

Originally Posted by OrionFlinn

I'm overhearing everyone's 4th of July plans...pool parties, picnics, BBQs, fireworks. Ugh. I'm going to be locked in my dark apartment watching tv.

I've had those times too - one Thanksgiving comes to mind immediately. It's terribly lonely to feel everyone is having fun and you're there alone.

After reading your first post, I thought your co-worker decided to stay late simply to put you at ease and to draw you out. I'm so glad she was there for you. As you go along, and you feel you're having an 'iffy' day at work, walk by her cubical and give her a slight smile. I'm sure whatever her face looks like at that moment will tell you it's alright and she's there for you. I know you don't want to open up to her, and yes, I too suggest finding someone not connected with your work to speak to.

In the mean time, I'd like to offer you a suggestion as to the puffy eyes you're going to have via the overwhelming crying that comes while you're feeling lonely during the holiday and the return to work the following day. You don't want to look upset, so if the puffies come, use Prep. H. on your lower puffy bits about 15 minutes before you leave for work and the puffies will go away. It'll help hide your upset from your co workers.

Good luck, sweetie --- time will change your loneliness. It did for me.

[OrionFlinn]

Thank you. I had another breakdown at work today, but nobody saw it. I was sitting there in my cubicle, and I really wanted to tell something to my former coworker/friend. I took a breath and was about to speak when I realized that he wasn't there and that he'd never be there again. I felt like I was literally drowning in sorrow. I couldn't breathe, and I started shaking and silently sobbing.

I had another breakdown when I got home, and then I just sat there staring at the wall for about an hour. Then I just couldn't stand sitting there being alone with my thoughts, so I went out to a movie. After it was over, I started thinking about what I would tell my former coworker/friend about what I thought of the movie and whether or not I'd recommend it, and I realized again that he wouldn't be there and that he'd never be there again. So I had another breakdown when I got back home.

Right now I have the AC cranking again and am drinking a couple beers and trying to forget that I ever had any hope that maybe I could find a real friend to hang out with. It was so stupid of me. The hope was just poison, and I should have known better. In my mind, I again need to put a label above every door I open that reads, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."

Right now, I can't stand this, and it seems like it's going to last forever. Nothing will make the pain stop. I just keep telling myself, "I've been here before, I've been here before. The body and mind will adapt. Eventually I'll go numb again". I know being numb isn't all that great either, but it's better than this. Being an emotionless robot is better than being a giant ball of pain.

[Clara22]

Hi OrionFlinn,
I do not know what to say to alleviate your pain a bit. I do not know if somebody has ever told you this, among other talents that for sure you have, you have this ability of transmitting your inner world using words in a very vivid way. This is a kind of gift, and I feel so bad that somebody with your sensibility and deepness, and with the talent of communicating them so vividly (at least to me) is suffering much by loneliness.

[TippPatt]

Originally Posted by OrionFlinn

I took a breath and was about to speak when I realized that he wasn't there and that he'd never be there again.

Then I just couldn't stand sitting there being alone with my thoughts, so I went out to a movie.

Right now, I can't stand this, and it seems like it's going to last forever.

I want to know why you haven't called your former co worker. What tells you that you cannot continue your friendship outside of that particular work place? Nothing that I know of.

So, call him, hun. Just a few digits and you have your friend back - talking on the phone about work - meeting him to go to a movie.

Just call him, please.

[Freewilled]

I can relate to so much of what you posted I had a friend at work who recently left too, and without her it is so lonely. I actually went into therapy right around this time as so many things in my life started falling apart all at once. I also think it might be nice if you could call your friend and just talk - see how he's doing. Is that possible? I recently talked with my T about the emotionally numb thing too and can understand wanting to be numb rather than to experience the horrible pain I don't know that my T completely understood but I can tell that you get it. I'm sorry that you do, but please know that it helps me not feel so alone. The pain hurts sooooooooo badly and I didn't think anyone felt it