Just Venting

I'm just going to vent a little of what I feel throughout the days, I guess anonymously is better than nothing.

Usually, when I get up I either go right back to bed, or get up and eat a whole lot, or get up and just do nothing until I am forced to go to work or some other obligation. When I was working I didn't even get sleep because I felt like I will wake up late for work and disappoint my boss. When I was working is when the anxiety was destroying me, just eating at me, the emotions were flowing. And I worked a mere two days a week for only five hours, and I had to use the rest of the week to recuperate from the stress. Now that I don't work I just feel nothing, like usual, but I just feel like I should be doing something, care about something. I'm moody, especially toward my mother and I feel it has to do with always feeling like I will be passive aggressively put down or judged when I am around her. Binge eating is my crutch, as well as cutting- though I don't do it often, though when I do I just do it for like a week straight. I never really thought of going to therapy until around two weeks ago I was smoking some medical grade marijuana to try to relieve my anxiety and on that day, for some particular reason, I greened out- for those who don't smoke its basically like a freak out- and I couldn't move and I through up three times. While in this weird catatonic state I could only think, "I need to get help. I'm broken and need to get help.".

Sooooooooo, that felt awkward to type up and I'm going to post it before I feel to insecure to go through with it.

P.S I also think about suicide everyday though will probably never go through with it.

Hello & Welcome, FeelingOpaque!
Stress intolerance is also one of my problems. Yes, I agree you need assistance in reaching greater stability and function. Does your situation permit getting help?

Please keep posting. "Venting" is welcome.

Yes, I have quite a few options I believe. My mother works for the state so he has good insurance. I have also looked into other cheap and quality options, like the Washington Square Institute or the The Columbia Psychoanalytic Center.

The problem, however, is that right now my anxiety and depression are not in full effect. I feel anxious and empty as usual but it's to an extent manageable. I just feel like I may be thinking myself into feeling a certain way just to rationalize my laziness and lack of ambition. I don't know what a therapist would say I feel they would tell me I'm just lazy and need to get my Shiat together, I know its irrational, but it is what it is.

Basically the same story as mine, although I don't cut I bite! I've also started taking small amounts of illegal drugs to try and make myself feel better. I can't explain everything to the doctor as a have a 2year old son and don't want other services involved. I feel like I've come to a dead end :-/ also I couldn't go to a counsellor as I can't express myself and explain how I feel!!

A therapist would help you understand why you feel the way you do and what to do about it. Our society places a high value on working. If you're not working, then you're scum. This is a really harmful message that society sends us. We are not our jobs. The jobs are something we do. They're not our entire selves. Not having a job does not mean that you're lazy and unmotivated. That's something you're telling yourself and perhaps other people are telling you that, too. Doesn't mean it's true.

Since you're looking for something to do, could you volunteer somewhere? You can set your hours. You'll be doing something you want to do rather than something you have to do. Some fur therapy at the local animal shelter sounds like a good idea to me, lol. I should check that out for myself...

I hope you're feeling a little better today. Please feel free to vent at any time. That's what we're here for.

I personally have never seen the importance of work other than a means of gaining financial stability and hate how people put such emphasis on it. For example, now that I don't have that job, all people are talking about is me looking for one and I don't know how to tell them that the last one almost killed me and a new one, with more days and hours, would probably drive me to insanity.

My lack of motivation and laziness infiltrates most of my life, unfortunately, just don't see the point in most things or can't commit to something for extended periods.

And volunteering at an animal shelter is perfect for me! I love working with animals and for the most part they seem to be positively responsive to me.

Your "laziness and lack of motivation" sound like depression. Nothing is exactly what depressed people do, lol.

I guess I know that, just scared of admitting it to myself and inevitably those around me.