[Mystry]

Its gone...once again I was fooled...I believed some kind of miracle had happened in my life and I would this time be okay...but its gone...last night I sat here thinking and suddenly I ...I lost it...the panic and anxiety and selfloathing returned all at the same time...like a waterfall it came gushing down on me and I hated myself for being happy these last few days...I knew it would come though...somewhere inside I knew it was a lie...nothing is that easy or that instant but I wanted to believe I had made a step up but damn it I am back at the bottom and the fall isnt easy because now I feel even worse for having been happy and lieing to myself...have you ever been so mad at yourself for doing something you know you shouldnt...I have no greater hatred than I do for myself which I know is stupid because I am such a good person...yeah right...compared to the problems that you guys have mine are so minor...and yet again I waste space by writing this when just a few threads up there is a woman who deserves to be happy and healthy and live normally but she is racked with so many problems...my admiration for each of you and the fights you endure is overwhelming to me...and just a post away swome one is needing help with a life of dispair...and here I sit crying about my garbage I am garbage it is ingrained in my brasin it wont shange it weill never change...and so will I go on...Im close to the end anyway so why wait why waste peoples time anymore why bother to wake up what good do I do what good am i....even my kids know I am nothing everyone knows it and i know it so what is thew point I have nothing because I am nothing so why come here and write this nothing garbeage i dont know i havent a clue maybe just to get attention ...yeah that would be it because i want attention yeah i want it and i need it so what so what soa waht so what sowaht so what...hteres nothing wrong i juasy want attention funny this I want i want to be someone else i want be somewhere else

[Mystry]

Dont pay any attention to the man behind the curtain he is no one...yeah I know then go somewhere else...

[Perna]

Okay, you know how you now feel your happiness wasn't "true" and right/good? Well, guess what, this unhappiness and self-loathing isn't any more true and right/good than the happiness! You can't have one without the other. There is no flatline of happiness where you achieve bliss and nevermore feel badly or where you hit the dumps and nevermore can be happy again. So, push off from the bottom of the pool again and start up to where the surface and good air is :-)

(((Mystry))) You're as worthwhile as anyone here, there is no "petty" or unworthy emotional pain and there's no way to compare with others, it's apples to oranges, we don't have their lives, we only have our own and when our life isn't going well, it's not going well, period.

[Christina86]

(((((((((Mystry)))))))))

You deserve to be happy. Whether you like it or not, I've got an opinion of you now that would be hard to change that says you're a wonderful person and a great writer. And my opinion isn't changing because what I believe is the truth.

Hi Mystry,
Sounds like you woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.
Don't be mad at yourself for being happy for a few days 'cause for those few days, you were happy. There's nothing wrong with that. You're happy somedays, you're sad other days-the sad days shouldn't discredit the happy days. That's not fair.
You're not garbage and you are something. You're a good person and you deserve good things to happen to you in your life and you're just as deserving as anyone else on this forum.
((((((Mystry))))))

Hey... you.. Mr Lyle J! You're my friend and I don't like garbage... so you can't be garbage, OK?!!!!! What IS garbage- is these feelings of being nothing... useless... not worthy... Yeah... I know, they are so hard to fight against! But! I know you can do it! Like I've said to you before... you're not the guy I started talking to early this year. You were beaten... struck to the ground... your body in total distress... you couldn't even say what was wrong... you hid within yourself... all you knew right then was PAIN. That's how I remember it, anyway....
You started seeing a therapist, a step you found pretty hard taking, I think. Then you began to talk... not just talk... really talk about what worried you inside.

You've went through hard situations reminding you of the past... remember when the fire alarm went of in your building and fire fighters were all around you??? Must have been soooooooo rough on you! But! You made it through that hard moment!!!
You may fall from time to time... we all do... but you will always rise again! Instead of feeling defeated... Look back at these days you had in happiness, feeling free... knowing that they will come to hold your hand again! You're still in therapy and making progress! You've told me about how you're trying to change the way your thinking. Lyle... it takes time! You've had this way of thinking for years and years... you're used to it.... let yourself have that time to heal and to find new ways to think.
When you was about to get your driving license... you didn't just jump inside the car and drove away, did you? No... you had to take it step by step... Did you get out of the car just because of engine failure caused by you not stepping the gas enough??? No, you got inside and step by step you learned how to drive!
Don't give up! You'll be a terrific driver in time!!!!

[Mystry]

Yeah Jax...that would be it...I woke up on the wrong side of the bed...sorry for the belly aching crap and thanks for the support all...

[heartspace]

(((Mystry))) I'm sorry you have experienced disappointment but try not to get too disheartened. We feel like we take a big step back and that all is hopeless, but things do move forward.
Take care

[Mystry]

the struggle continues...thanks guys for being here for me...and Jax I especially want to apologize for my smart ***** response to your legitamate thought...but to get up on the wrong side of the bed would entail going to bed in the first place...lol...which Im sure had alot to do with my feelings...when I feel like the whole world is out to get me I used to internalize my feelings which I still do but with alot less intensity I think...

[Bethsway]

Oh mystry I am so sorry...why does this have to happen? we get better and then get worse again? Hope you have a good day today!!

[Mystry]

oh yes Beth...I threw myself into my work and smiled at myself because while at work I have 4 bins to fill...1 is for glass...1 is for paper...and 1 is for cardboard and yet another is for garbage...well...the bins are about 4' deep and I through a bottle in the cardboard...so I went to fish it out and fell in...all that was visible was my legs sticking straight up in the air...I knew my co-workers were all standing around laughing because well...I could hear them after they shut the conveyor belt down...someone finally decided that they should help me out...I work at a recycling plant by the way...