I destroyed my room.

The anniversary of my brothers death is approaching. I moved into his room after he died. I left most of things alone (his books, guitars, furniture) but I moved some of my stuff in (my books, clothes, notebooks, decorations). I keep looking at the date and time and I try to fathom what he was doing in his final days. And then I felt disgusting. I feel like I erased him.

I ripped up a bunch of my notebooks. I ripped up a load of my books. Broke decorations, tore up clothes. I feel like I need to rid of myself here. This was never my space.

I am depersonalizing so badly. None of this feels real. No one came when they heard the noise. I'm just too alone.

We hear you. Do you ever get to talk about your brother with family or friends? That can be really good for dealing with grief. It seems like there may be something about this that is keeping you from sorting out your feelings and moving on with life.

(((Teen Idle))) - I'm sorry this is a very hard time for you. Do you know why you moved into his room so soon? Do you think you and the rest of your family are ready to pack away some of his belongings and then rearrange / decorate the room to make it yours?? Even if you put the belongings into some storage boxes.

Are you seeing your therapist during this difficult time? I can't remember what your brother passed from - think I remember you mentioning a bad infection. I don't think being around all his things are giving you any solace. I wish I could say more - make sure you get help if you can't cope.

George; I try to talk about him happily, but it just makes my mom cry. It makes my dad go silent and upsets my little sister. So I try to keep it to a minimum.

There is no moving on from this. This void is never going to heal.

Lynn; I moved in only a few months ago. We packed his things up (his clothes, private journals, etc) but I wanted his books and his instruments. I think it is just getting to a head because its nearly been a year. I feel like I am a shadow here.

He was terminally ill, an infection got to his heart. He had a five year outlook but. well. We found him dead on the floor instead.

I think you need, really need, to talk about him to someone. His life, his death, everything.
You need to process this mentally and sort out all the emotions. When someone we're very close to dies it does leave a void. There is something huge missing in your life when you lose someone like that.
When you move on it isn't that you forget and pretend the person never existed. You just have to go on with your life. It's what we do. We're still alive. The people who have gone on wouldn't want us to stop living. If the situation had been the reverse and your brother was the one alive... you wouldn't want him going through what you are putting yourself through. A lot of times when you talk, one thing leads to another and sometimes something really important comes out and everything becomes clear and you see things different. Or you just get things out that need to be out. Grief can be a long slow process but you need to start the process. If you keep it all inside and don't deal with it then it will eat you up.

I have my therapist. But I don't know how to talk about 23 years of life and make any sense of it all, whether it's with a therapist or not. I have months where I am okay. Where I can say he lived a happy life, even though he was sick. But now that the anniversary is coming up I am questioning everything and telling myself he isn't really dead. He'll come home. He wont, but I wish he would.

You're right in what you're saying. I just think it's already destroyed me.

Yeah... and with a therapist there's always that time thing. And it's hard to have a really good talk on cue. It just doesn't flow under those conditions. If you have a large extended family maybe you can get a chance to talk with one of them. One of the advantages of having a big family and knowing a lot of people is that the law of averages means that your chances of having people you can connect with are a lot better.
It could get better when the crisis of the anniversary passes. I hope talking here helps. I get a sense that there is something about all this that you need to get out. You may not even be aware and if you are you might not know what it is. Some of us are really good at hiding or disguising what's at the core of our problems.

[TW: DESCRIPTIONS OF DEATH]

I don't really have an extended family. I've been shunned by most of them. And it's okay, I suppose. It happens.

But what I've put in bold is right on. And I suppose since I can't verbalize it I can put it here and just rid of it. I don't think it should have been him. It should have been me. He had a good mind and a good heart. I am void of both. He could have done so much, and he died, alone, getting his meds. And I hate that I found him. Because I already knew he was gone. And I couldn't save him then. He just died. Alone. And I never said goodnight. I thought he'd be there the next day. And I try, I try so hard to remember him as he was but all I see is purple flesh and a cracked head and my mother screaming. It kills me. It should have been me, it should have been me, it should have been me.

Symptoms of Survivor Guilt - Bereavement

I am so sorry for all you are going though. Sibling relations are always complicated and messy no doubt about it, when one dies there are unsaid things left behind. You are a good worthwhile person who deserves to be here. Is there a group where you live that you could join to talk about your brothers death? With support groups time is not so limited and you get support from others in similar circumstances & that often is more helpful. Age doesn't matter as much as the death of a loved one or sibling, it is hard for those left behind.

I too, am so sorry for your loss and for what you're feeling now. It is good that you can talk about your emotions and thoughts here, at least, amongst people who do care about you and want to help. Please keep doing so when you need or want to. Everyone needs an outlet, especially for grief, in all its forms and here, there are people who can empathize as well as sympathize.

Thank you all.

I got into one support group. But I got so anxious I vomited and had to leave. I don't "play well" with others. I freeze up, lose track of thought, fall mute.

I just keep seeing the date. I keep asking myself "I'm wondering if he knew he was going to die." "I hope he didn't feel anything. They said he didn't but they lied."

"He died alone. I would have stayed with him until he left."

I just miss him so damn much. I am never getting that part of myself back. He was my other half, my better half. Now I am this damaged, lonely person with one part.