what i resist, persists...

how does someone who resists feeling loved and safe and wonderful ever find someone who will make her feel loved and safe and wonderful?

i see why i resist ending it with my bf. there is a lot of good there. and i'm trying to not walk away from another one. i don't want what i didn't get in childhood to confuse me into thinking that i'm going to get it now... i was a girl then. i am an adult now.

i just am not settled in with the imperfection of it all... imperfection meaning things i want that i don't get with him... and i think i am supposed to be giving a lot of that to myself now anyway and stop looking to another to give it to me...

have you felt like this?

what did you do?

HI. i could just pat you on the back and tell you things would be fine, but I think what you need is some real answers.

If you base your relationships on wanting to be taken care of, then the relationship will be based on dependency and eventually will end. Even if it didn't, it would not be good for you. If the other person wanted to break up or if you wound up getting married and he died first, then you would be completely lost.

Before you get into a relationship, you need to get yourself straightened out. Unless you can be confident, have self esteem and the ability to handle life on your own, it will come between you and anyone you date eventually.

I do understand the feeling of wanting someone special in your life. A spouse or partner that will always be there. Ask yourself, could you be there for them if something major happened to them and you became the caretaker? Not just a week long bug, but a life long disabilty. Anything can happen, and unless you would be able to turn the table, you aren't ready.

I was married for seven years and had a toddler when I got a divorce. To shorten things, I'll just say that she was emotionally abusive. That was fifteen years ago and I still have not started dating again. Why? Because i still have my own baggage that needs to be dealt with or I won't be any good to anyone else. I'm not suggesting you need to wait that long. I just chose not to go into therapy and couldn't afford it anyway. The point is though, you need to get to the point where you can give as much as you take. "parent/child" relationships between adults rarely work. You need to find someone who can help you solve your own issues and then you will be more confident in finding a partner who will treat you well and stay with you.

Sam2

Hello,
I've actually been in somewhat of the same spot, if I'm understanding your post correctly. I just recently had the break-up actually. When I was in it, I felt miserable because I was reacting so badly towards a person who had almost everything that I wanted and who cared for me genuinely, but whom I've had to let go because certain things didn't fit. I didn't feel right, and that feeling never went away, except for a few occasions when I thought they would go away, but the feelings of restlessness and the relationship being inadequate came right back the next morning. I'm not saying that a break-up is inevitable for you, but definitely working on yourself is key. I tried doing it while I was in the relationship, but there was so much mess being caused by us not being connected with each other that it was tearing us apart rather than bringing us together. But if your connection with each other is better, which I'm sure hoping that it is , and you can communicate things right, then perhaps this is a chance for you both to grow with each other. Hope that wasn't confusing and I hope that helps

Thanks Margolomania. This insight from your experience is exactly what I needed. You got it right on the head. What would you do different in hindsight. While you were together. What thoughts do you wish you could have had?

I was writing trying to figure out what part of my angst is based in truth and which part is based in habitual thinking. Trying to sift out the thoughts that are more about now vs that familiar comfortable habitual angst.

I know that living 60 miles apart has helped a lot. We get more time apart and helps us reflect more and react less. We mostly just spend weekends together and vacations and the occasional week that I spend up there with him...

I think what happens is something triggers me and sometimes my insides feel it with the same intensity as when I was a girl... and it gets hard to see what part belongs to now and which belongs to parents... whenever I have been able to look at this dynamic in any relationship it turns out that at least 75% of the intensity of feelings belongs to the past. Leaves only 25% max relating to the present. When i do that clarification i see more clearly what is actually in front of me. It helps me not react in a black and white way.

If any of this makes sense, I'd like to hear about it.

Thanks again. Please feel free to send private msg if u prefer.

You've misunderstood. I wasn't talking about getting taken care of or any parent/child dynamic other than the adult/child dynamic within myself. And i think mental emotional health is on a continuum. So waiting til self esteem and confidence are at a certain level is possibly either self-punishment or avoiding avoiding the work inherent in primary relationships. Relationships are key to inner development. It's easy being single. The tough work happens while in relationship. A balance in everything. If YOU believe that YOU need more time alone then YOU go ahead. I could make my own conclusions about what is going on with you but I won't

And saying this is inappropriate and not helpful.
"Before you get into a relationship, you need to get yourself straightened out. Unless you can be confident, have self esteem and the ability to handle life on your own, it will come between you and anyone you date eventually."

You don't know me and certainly not from a post here and there. You make assumptions and jump to conclusions.

And Sam2, I do want to add that I appreciate your reply because it helped me become clearer with what is my current state of mind... so thanks.