Something I've not experienced before

I feel like nothing is wrong with me. But I certainly wouldn't hold a job or pretty much anything at this point in time. I think I don't have the capacity to. But I don't feel "dark" like usual. I'm not sad. I almost feel happy and suicidal at the same time. Not saying I would, that's not the point of this post as I know that's not allowed (am I even allowed to say that much?). It's just to give you an idea of how odd that seems. Maybe it's the new meds? I definitely am experiencing anhedonia as well as a flat affect all other times. Just feel a little... High almost. And at the same time very depressed in all other respects. It isn't all the time, but enough over the past few weeks to be a bit unsettling. Has anyone else experienced this before? Is this normal?

If your meds are addressing your overall sadness and poor mood, you can feel much better if you are adequately treated, yet still have issues that create negative feelings. You need to deal with both, the physical lack of the right brain chemical mix as well and the emotional issues that contribute to feel 100 percent. My suggestion would be to talk with your therapist if you have one about your new feeling mix.

also, most meds can have the side-effect of increasing or causing suicidal thinking. I would suggest talking to your dr or therapist or both.
I had some meds that did that to me a few years ago, but they also increased my impulsiveness and landed me in the hospital for a suicide attempt. Tweaking the meds helped at the time a bit. (I am no longer on any meds because I found they all eventually had that effect on me, but most people don't have that issue with all meds).
Like online user said, the meds can change the brain chemistry but don't relieve the actual stressors...

Sounds like the mixed state. It is common in bi-polar. It's a sign of bad body chemistry. Medication isn't perfect.

Hi.

I agree with online user's post.

I also am wondering if it's not bipolar coming thru for you.

I don't agree that bipolar is bad body chemistry (if that is what was meant on another post). It's simply two sides of a coin. That coin's name is "mood". Or we could call it a seesaw!

I'd like to share a piece of my story in hopes that you might find something in it that is helpful for you...

Over 15 years ago, after years of therapy wasn't helping my depressed/suicidal-ideation self well enough, I saw a psychiatrist who started me on an anti-depressant. I still recall the experience, after a few weeks on the anti-dep, it was as though the dark stormy clouds I'd been walking under for as long as I could remember, suddenly cleared and I saw the beautiful sunny blue sky... Life was good. After some time, I had a manic episode. At the time, 15 years ago, drs couldn't tell me if the mania had always been a part of me or if the meds caused it.

Now I believe that while the anti-depressant actually did lift my depression, it lifted so much of it that the other extreme, mania, had room to exist. (Not as alien-ish as that sounded... ) This conclusion that I've reached is partly based on my experience, as well as a believing that the natural order of things includes concepts like duality and yin yang and two ends of a continuum and "you can't have one extreme without the other..."

All that is to say, I don't think meds made me feel/do/think in ways that aren't already a part of me... I don't believe meds caused my bipolar dx... I think meds (chemicals) in the brain can affect how I think and thereby how I feel. But how it manifests itself is different for each person. Even NOT taking meds, if I had been able to adjust the brain waves in a more natural way, I believe my inherent brain chemicals would have still been affected and something similar to extreme joy would have been shown through... I think the psych meds give as quicker and more intense results, which could also mean more intense consequences...

I can't say for sure how the psych meds influence the intensity of my state of mind/mood. Anything I've ever had results with that was more "natural" and less toxic has always had a much more subtle effect...more gentle. So maybe the psych meds make my "high" self a more intense. For example, anti-anxiety psych meds are incredibly powerful on me and unfortunately for me, they're also very addictive. So I avoid them. I found homeopathic remedies that take the edge off enough so that I can function. And I can take it safely and as often as needed. A n y w a y, writing about that is making me dizzy... which came first? the mania or the depression? the mania or the psych meds?

What I do know is that when I had my one manic episode and during the more moderate/manageable hypo-manic episodes that have since followed, *I experience a self that is confident, optimistic, brave, strong... etc... I do believe that that person IS a part of me. When I get depressed now it helps me remember that the other side of me is available and that keeps me hopeful thru the darker times... *(Everyone's manic side is different, some get angry, some get suicidal, others get really touchy...)

So. my meds did take some tweeking. And it was hit/miss for many years. Eventually after the first manic episode, I started on only lithium. I got afraid to take anti-dep because I was afraid they'd make me manic. And mania is scarier (= less familiar) for me than the (almost comfortably-familiar) depression. After years on only lithium and feeling like I never got down but really never got happy, I spoke up to my psychiatrist. She was a good psychiatrist because she listened and suggested we do something not yet common then. We added an anti-depressant to the lithium. And that did the trick. Made sense. The two meds, two mood extremes. I felt safe trying that because I trusted the lithium to hold the mania back... and it has...

I mean, I still can get suicidally down and I have my dark weeks. So now I am working more carefully on realizing that I have these two extremes in me that operate as kind of default mode. The meds help with the extreme extremes. So I'm looking more closely at which daily habits I need to incorporate that can help me tweek all this even more. I'm "fine-tuning"...

I currently am aware of a pattern where I'll feel good for a few weeks and then crash and get low for a few weeks... over and over, again and again. I've gotten tired of not being able to ever make plans far ahead of time because I never know how I'm going to feel in one or two weeks... Anyway, things like exercise, and homeopathic anxiety remedies, limiting alcohol intake (esp wine), eating salmon and other brain-friendly foods, and managing my sleep, and even watching additives in food/drink like all the crap in non-natural diet sodas, phenylketonurics, and many others... and thanks to you and this post, I'm thinking now that I may even need to tweek the lithium a bit...

So... look into a possibility that you may have the two sides of this mood coin...or the seesaw...

Also, maybe it'll help to think/talking/writing about the following ideas. (Consider going over it with your psychiatrist and/or someone else you feel comfortable with):

• When did you start current meds/med cocktail?
• Did you taper off slowly from other meds when switching to new meds?
• Do you take meds on time each day?
• Has the dosage amount changed AND was it adjusted slowly with dr?
• Did you increase dosage? If yes, did you start at the lower dose, and slowly, with dr supervision, increase dose?
• Are you getting your 'script for these new meds from a pyschiatrist or general doctor?
• What is your high like that you experience? Have you told your dr?

online user, MdngtRain, catsrhelm,
Thanks for the replies everyone. I'll give my case manager a call tomorrow, then... from what I'm understanding, it doesn't seem to be the right med for me. If I'm lucky I'll get an appointment.
I just finished a therapy course for the depression but was referred to another one for sometime in the near future, hopefully that will help some. So far the medications I've tried hasn't done anything to ease any of my symptoms at all, though it's only been two so far. It would seem they've both made things worse in their own way. The SSRI one was a bit intense. I felt like I was part of a horror film... again. I have no idea what the stressors are, but I guess that is something that the therapy will help with that I hope.


htebsiL radnalaS - Thanks so much for sharing with me. You've really come through a lot. I suppose I don't really know much about bipolar at all after reading what you've written. Perhaps I'll talk to my sister who is majoring in psych (as well as my pDoc/case manager if possible). I may know a little of what you mean of having a sort of spin and crash cycle. I have these times where it's almost like I wake up and say to myself, "What was my problem?" and then immediately start making crazy goals and start on it only to fall hard a couple weeks into starting it. It's marvelous, really. If only I could be that way all the time I'd be making history in less than 10 years. I'd also have about 10 different university degrees even though I can't seem to even finish high school. Some other stuff too but I'm already writing a book here so... Never thought twice about it because parts of it were always encouraged.
I hear you about the comfortably familiar depression... which is kind of why this mix was freaking me out so much. Usually when I "wake up" it's like depression never existed for me, but this time I was experiencing both at the same time and the "high" feeling was very disturbing to my comfy depression.
And those are all great questions. I haven't really talked with my pDoc/case manager yet about this. I'm always afraid to bring things up because I think that I'm making things out to be more significant than they actually are, you know what I mean?

errr... I have a question that's been bothering me. How important are issues from the past? For instance, I heard a voice that no one else heard for several minutes once... he was a demon who was both angry and in pain because of me and kept yelling at me... but it was only one time so it couldn't be a big deal. So when she asked me if I heard voices others couldn't hear, I said "no" but felt a little guilty even though I don't really hear things. And a few other things that I've experienced that don't really happen anymore that they asked about and I just said "no" for all those things too since I haven't experienced them for a year or two or more depending on what it was but again felt a bit guilty. But it's probably not relevant now, right? :S

..........

Well, I guess it was more of a class which taught some basic coping skills for people with mood disorders. From there they've referred me to a 6-12 month DBT. I kinda feel like I've lucked out tbh. Not sure when I'll get in though.

I was able to find two articles that talked about ADD and OCD and read them. They were pretty interesting. Not sure if either were what you read. What made you think of it?

That sounds like a really valuable skill actually. Sounds hard too. Did you find it to be?
I think... you might be right about downplaying things. You're right about it just being normal for me, I've been having trouble all around for as long as I can remember. I'm always shocked when I see or hear what "normal" people consider normal. It's so alien to me.
And yeah I feel guilty for both of those reasons. I really should do what you mentioned, I couldn't think of how I should say anything or if I should, but what you suggested makes a lot of sense. I'll try to brave it up and say something.
And thanks so much for your replies it means a lot to me. You have no idea... (or maybe you do!)

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