[i8u3z]

I have been a negative and depressed person all my life. Scared and uncomfortable to be around people. But yet, so dependent on one or two. Lazy, numb, uninterested and unmotivated to do anything. Sick and scared of being in my own head. I cannot love myself or others, I feel completely numb and destroyed. I am a terrible person who has lied, cheated and now hides in shame for all my mistakes. Hides from people because I have no identity or personality to bring to the table. I am literally dead inside with nothing but thoughts of ending my suffering but too much of a coward and scared to do it.

There is no point in living if I am not living. I don't care to live, not like this. Not with this numbness. How can one possibly want to continue on when they don't feel ANYTHING good for themselves or others? This is a nightmare!

I don't know what to do anymore. This is severe depression but it's been my personality for as long as I can remember. I don't want to hurt like this anymore. I don't understand how the hell to function as a human. What the hell is wrong with me? I am so scared and alone and sick to my stomach. How can I go on when I am not happy with myself or anything in life? This is so confusing and terrifying.

[Idiot17]

I have no words now only sending you (((((hugs)))))

[pegasus]

Winston Churchill - If you're going through hell keep going!

In other words you'll come out the otherside. Hang in there.

Hi i8u3z. I have no real great words of comfort or advice. Just wanted to let you know I wish you the best and hope you are feeling better soon. Please keep posting and letting your feelings out. We're all here for you. Also, I have been where you are. Feeling pretty hopeless myself right about now.

[i8u3z]

I have always been like this though, it's just kicking me in the *** right now because I am realizing there is no hope for me. I live with my retired parents because I cannot function on my own. They don't care about me being miserable and depressed. They just leave me alone to wallow. We don't speak the same language so communicating has always been difficult.

For Christ's Sake, I am turning 29 and feel like I am 10. I don't understand why my brain just doesn't allow me to want to live life. I tried living with ex-boyfriend, but I lost it on him because I was miserable and depressed, the same with my ex-roommate. They are both happy people they couldn't stand to be around me because of how miserable, angry and depressed I was. The same with work, I just left and went on a leave for five months to hide in my room under my blanket. I hate everything. I have always hated everything.

It's so bloody difficult for me to live. I don't understand why I am so apathetic. So morbidly negative and dead. This is so ****ed up.

[eggplantlife]

Hugs to you. You are strong that you keep trying. So keep trying. One day it will lift. It's hard, but there is still something in you that is beyond the depression because you had a boyfriend and friends. You are going through hard times, but it's still in there. Keep trying. Try to see one little thing that is good and beautiful. It may not look like it or feel like it and maybe it'll be foggy, but somehow putting that little thought inside might help. I used to do that and even though I didn't feel that great, I told myself that is something good and one day I'm going to feel it. I hope that helps and you will be better soon.

[i8u3z]

I had a boyfriend and friend but we were always too busy drinking. I met them when I was a teenager, so it was a different time. Booze tends to bring on confidence and when you're a teenager, nothing matters. But I lived through them. I always have to latch onto someone that does all the talking while I just chime in once and awhile. I really don't have a personality or identity. Watching movies and drinking or listening to music and drinking. There was nothing else. I had nothing else. Continue to have nothing else.

I feel debilitated now. I am so dependent on other people. I have never been on my own like I am now. I feel helpless and sick to my stomach. I don't know how to carry on on my own. It's terrifying and utterly lonely. It hurts so much. I don't understand why I would push them away when they were the only things that were keeping me alive? I am insane!!!!!!!!

[Nolafeline]

I have been a negative and depressed person all of my life too. My father was an alcoholic that verbally abused me all of my life and verbally & physically abused my mother until the day he died. My entire life he never said he loved me. At the same time around 12, things changed with my mom and she started to verbally and physically abuse me too this lasted until the day she died.
From grade school all the way through high school I picked on. I would have defended myself, but it got worse when I defended myself so I just took the abuse from them like I did at home.
I never felt love growing up. Did not know how to show love. I only had one or two friends growing up. Only one of them knew of my mom and dad. Whenever we would get into a fight she would stop talking to me and I would become hysterical because I literally had no one in my life.
I met Marc, my husband, six years ago. He has never hit me, verbally abused me, or stopped talking to me. He is always nice to me, tells me he loves everyday and took care of me during the time when I was being switched from an SSRI to an MAOI.
As much as this man loves me, I literally do not know how to love him back. I show him affection. But I learned that from t.v.
I am still in that dark, ugly, hateful place of depression. Somedays I literally feel pain in my heart and soul.
You are not alone. I am walking right next to you along the same path.
I hope your pain eases very soon.

[TheOriginalMe]

You are in a bad place, I'm there too, along with so many others. I have found PC makes it a less lonely and scary place, and so many times I've read a post and thought "me too". When I arrived at PC I was doubting that I was truly depressed (as in an illness) and was starting to believe that it was all down to an inadequate personality. Now I feel more certain that I am depressed because of reading about how depression affects others. Hopefully, being here is the start of your path to recovery.

[WastedLife]

First i8u3z, your mistaken when you say your a coward or too scared to take your life. The hard facts, and I hope I don't offend anyone on here when I say this, is suicide is the cowards way out. And I don't mean that in a tough manly way but in the simple fact that sticking to the hard life takes more effort then calling it a day. If your living with these feelings then you should look at each day as it truly is A Triumph over them.
You say your a terrible person who has lied and cheated and hides the shame of these mistakes. Pointing out when someone is incorrect, especially someone feeling as low as you doesn't give me pleasure but I'm afraid you are because terrible people don't feel they are terrible people. Beating yourself up over your past mistakes isn't healthy, but it demonstrates your feelings of guilt. Another feeling you wouldn't have if you where truly as terrible person, but holding on to these mistakes isn't helping you. You have recognized you have made them, and clearly punished yourself mentally for them, so now it's time to move on, mistakes are part of life hell they are the only way we learn anything really.
There is nothing wrong with you if you feel uncomfortable around people (something everyone feels to some extent but lies about) and when your around the right people they will understand that and be cool with it.
When your depressed you become unmotivated and disinterested in everything, do not mistake this for your personality! as it leads to a cycle of self hatred and more depression. This may have been your personality for as long as you remember but that doesn't mean it will be you in the future allowing yourself to think this is the only way it will become true.
I'm not a medical professional, hell I'm nobody and I'm not going to have the magic answer because there isn't one but there are ways to channel these emotions to productive ends, music, art or writing. Depression feels numbing but in reality your in pain trying to express these feelings through another medium can be cathartic and help relieve them somewhat. This can also help give you a boost self-esteem wise as your doing something productive.
I'm sure you've heard all this before and I have gone on for a long time here but I'll leave you with a quote from a song I feel drives home a point people forget,
How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood,
And then just be.. in.. a good mood?
That's all I have to say because it's a straight up fact,
You control your emotions it's as simple as that"
next time you feel down and the negative thoughts start flowing, take a breath and tell that part of you to shut up, (it's what I do sometimes)
your that master of you don't forget it!

[i8u3z]

Originally Posted by Nolafeline

I have been a negative and depressed person all of my life too. My father was an alcoholic that verbally abused me all of my life and verbally & physically abused my mother until the day he died. My entire life he never said he loved me. At the same time around 12, things changed with my mom and she started to verbally and physically abuse me too this lasted until the day she died.
From grade school all the way through high school I picked on. I would have defended myself, but it got worse when I defended myself so I just took the abuse from them like I did at home.
I never felt love growing up. Did not know how to show love. I only had one or two friends growing up. Only one of them knew of my mom and dad. Whenever we would get into a fight she would stop talking to me and I would become hysterical because I literally had no one in my life.
I met Marc, my husband, six years ago. He has never hit me, verbally abused me, or stopped talking to me. He is always nice to me, tells me he loves everyday and took care of me during the time when I was being switched from an SSRI to an MAOI.
As much as this man loves me, I literally do not know how to love him back. I show him affection. But I learned that from t.v.
I am still in that dark, ugly, hateful place of depression. Somedays I literally feel pain in my heart and soul.
You are not alone. I am walking right next to you along the same path.
I hope your pain eases very soon.

****, this made me cry and I haven't felt anything but fear and disgust with myself for months. I totally understand your story and have a similar one myself growing up.

I'm glad you are walking right next to me. It's nice to know we are both not so alone in this dark place.

Lots of hugs for you and thank you for sharing your story.

[icinggurl]

I also struggle and have been for over 30 yrs. Wish I had some magical fix, but just know you are NOT alone and there is a reason why you exist, despite however painful it is. Hang in there

[ombrétwilight]

Hey there, I feel exactly the same as you. I suggest seeing a therapist if you don't already because it can be very relieving to share these thoughts. Mine helped me a lot and I wish you all the best in finding joy in life again. I'm sure there is a lot to live for, for both you and me, yet it's really hard to see this now in the midst of depression. One day though, I hope we both will be able to break through the dark clouds and feel the sunlight again. Please take care and stay safe!

[Fuzzybear]