[mina_mango]

I am really at my wits' end. I have no nerves left. This will be long, there's no other way around it...

I don't know even know who is crazy anymore - me or the people around me. Or both of us? Years ago when I saw a counselor, she told me that the problem was my parents. My most recent counselor (2011-2013) told me that me living at home is a "comfy trap" for me...that if I stay here, I will continue to be do/be whatever my parents want me to do/be. I know it's me, too.

I don't want to be this person anymore. I was diagnosed with anxiety back when I was 11, and I'm 23 now. I also have a tendency to be sensitive and timid. My mother is overbearing and we've never gotten along (at least not when I'm healthy and standing up for what I believe in, when I'm in a weak, anxious state, we're besties).

I've always felt like there was a much stronger person inside me. But I don't know if that's just my imagination. I finally got my license last month, but not 100% confident in my driving abilities, and every time I try to practice driving -- there's an excuse as to why I can't or my mother (who I usually drive with) acts like it's a huge inconvenience (sighs when I mention it) -- she's not positive at all about it, which doesn't help my confidence, obviously. (I can't depend on her for support, I guess.) Besides that, we're on totally different schedules and have vastly different, sometimes conflicting, interests and beliefs.

I traveled to visit family and just came back a week ago (just me and my dad) on the trip and I felt a lot stronger for the trip because I wasn't sure how I was gonna handle the anxiety. I was fine, of course, and came back with a renewed sense of self and new goals.

I'm a recent college grad who is not having a lot of luck finding a job. So there's that on top of everything else.

When I'm here at home I feel like I have no options. Luckily, my trip showed me I have plenty, which is why now that I'm back home, I'm even more annoyed. This whole summer, being around my mom and doing things that I don't feel like doing (cleaning up after the whole household)--I'm just at the end of my rope.

Other problems: I have no friends physically in my area to talk to (acquaintances but no friends--I never put myself out there when I transferred back home); I don't know why I sometimes miss someone I messed up with when I was 18 -- even though we don't talk at all; had a terrible high school experience (you guessed it -- "anxiety"); feel like a failure if I mess up at something new (at least today I did, and it wasn't a big deal and I knew that).

So...I'm in a complete mess, I hate feeling so sensitive (but I honestly think my nerves are just so shot right now that the little things get to me).

The almost worst part? Tomorrow I'll be fine. I'll find some reason to be fine until the next time I blow up again because the situation I'm in is not a good one and I need to get out and I'm trying but there's so many roadblocks and patience needed and I don't know how to get through them. And on top of that, I'm around this person who has no respect for ANYONE'S individuality and I just...ugh...I don't know how to get through this.

I just feel like a weak little lonely girl in an impossible situation I just...don't know how to get through this alone

[Rohag]

Hello, Mina_mango.

Originally Posted by mina_mango

...when I'm in a weak, anxious state, we're besties...

That says a lot.

Originally Posted by mina_mango

I just...don't know how to get through this alone

Maybe getting through it alone is not the way for you to do it. Do you think you could work on getting an ally or mentor "on the outside" to assist you in reaching independence?

No matter the method, I wish you success.

[Luckyone21]

I feel for you. I'm 20 yrs old and still live at home. I think it's ok to still be at home, don't let people make you feel bad about that. Everyone lives their life differently so don't let someone make you feel like you have to conform. Being on this site shows that you are taking the steps to look for more help, and not get through your situation alone. Finding a therapist could also help. Best wishes Message me if you want!
-Beth

[bharani1008]

It sounds like you completely transform when you are away from your toxic environment. So I think that the number one goal right now would be finding a job and moving out on your own. I appreciate that you are timid and I know it is a huge obstacle to overcome. If you aren't in a position to get a job in your field even consider getting some training that will get you out on your own.
I really hope you are able to get out of your house

[mina_mango]

i'm trying to find a job right now...making calls and using any opportunity to find one. Before I was kind of passively looking for a job...sending out resumes to jobs slowly but now I'm doing what I can to find one. There's an opportunity to work with someone my dad knows...and if I get desperate enough I will take upon that offer...but I've already worked with the guy and I don't want to again. So I'm trying other avenues now...

[Fuzzybear]

[Vossie42]

Mega-hugs to you!

It seems that your mom is doing everything she can to keep you dependent on her. The more you assert yourself, the more she tries to knock you back down into anxiety so that you remain dependent on her. Some parents have an exceptionally hard time letting their kids grow up and may act in ways to keep that from happening. Maybe they're afraid of being alone. Maybe they need to dominate someone in order to make themselves feel good. Maybe they feel out of on control of their life and try to control their adult children in order to compensate. Your mother is one of them. As others have mentioned, your best option is to move out. I know that takes money and you need to get a job first. Perhaps your dad can help you with the deposit so that you can move out faster. Until then, find reasons to get out of the house, even if it's just going to the library to read a book or go window-shopping. Based on what you said, I agree with your counselor that your problem is your mother.

Good luck!

[mina_mango]

Unfortunately, I can't really leave the house because I have no way of getting anywhere - I'm not allowed to take the car (there's always an excuse why I can't take the wheel instead of them) and I'm sick of my parents giving me rides everywhere. I don't have any friends to get rides from. I know I sound like really negative :/ The way I "get out the house" is go to the backyard, sit on our patio and listen to music for now.

Before I got fed up of this, I literally went EVERYWHERE with my mom on HER schedule (for the most part), us always together like we're best buddies.

My father is the one who thinks I should have a car first, pay my cellphone bill then move out as the last step. I agree with that but the road to getting there is unbearable. Now I have to "schedule" or plan time for us to drive, whereas with my younger brother, when he got his license all he had to do was ask if he could drive and there wasn't a problem. WTF?! I feel like I'm trapped in a castle or something. So on Saturday, we're going to practice driving, if they don't come up with another excuse. Asking for another ride just makes me feel so powerless.

The worst part is that I start questioning my own feelings and sanity. I slowly start downplaying my needs and wants, believing that there's something wrong with ME for getting upset over something that I SHOULD BE upset about. Because, as usual, no one within my family is standing up for me. It usually takes someone from the outside looking in, like a family member that we rarely see, to say something about my need for independence (this goes back to when I was in high school even) or to go easy on me, for them to calm the heck down. I never knew I could just relax and be me...I thought it was normal to be unhappy and on pins and needles.

This all goes so much deeper than the current situation and I am, like, tense and I've been tense for a long time. I almost moved out 2 years ago, and as I looked for apartments and finally found one -- a stronger, outgoing me emerged. I didn't end up going because the apt was all that safe and money would've been really tight and I was going to school full-time. I wish I would've been stronger. My mom weasles her way into every area of life, she even freaked out when I first started talking to this guy I dated earlier this year.

I just don't know how to stay strong. I'm tired of sweeping my needs under the rug like they don't matter. Tired of being controlled. I don't know how to remember that I have options, there's a huge world out there, this is temporary, I don't have to be controlled, to just stay true to my wishes and not give in.

[henrydavidtherobot]

I deal with severe anxiety and were the same age. Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk or vent.

[mina_mango]

So...it's been very up and down since I last posted...there's been good days and bad days and I just keep trying....obviously it takes a long time to create new habits...but man this is HARD.

One day i'll feel strong and then...i'll start feeling weak again. it's very confusing. i just wish i was more stable. i really need the stability.