[dexter]

I am sleeping better with the celexa at night. some nights i have a hard time falling asleep but i am not up all night anymore.

i was still sleeping a lot during the day so the doc upped my dose of the wellbutrin in the morning and that has helped. it is still hard for me to stay out of bed though. some days i just feel so bad that i would rather be asleep than awake, i try to fight it but it is such a strong draw.

i have been really depressed these past few days, more than a week. i've been on a regular schedule with my therapist once a week and our sessions, i feel, are productive, but i just don't feel any better. even more things now set off my anxiety and depression.

i am still doing my best. trying to eat more. working hard to sleep but not too long. trying to read. last tuesday i forced myself to go to one of my support groups. i ended up feeling worse afterwards than i did when i got there.

i can't say i've hit rock bottom because i feel as if i've been scraping the bottom for months now. i feel like i am also approaching rock bottom physically and financially as well. i am completely unmotivated, i work incredibly hard to accomplish little things, and i try to give myself credit for that, but in the meantime the big things are just spiralling out of control.

i've been trying to talk to people but i still feel so empty.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[Fuzzybear]

Sending soothing thoughts your way {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{dexter}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Fuzzy xx

[dexter]

i have a huge headache today too

the weeks seem to be slipping by so fast and the months and it won't be long until i have nothing left.

i am so miserable. months and months go by

i know i wasn't sleeping well recently but that was brought on by the change in medication. i couldn't sleep well when i got home from the hospital, and i worked that out, was ok for a little while, then had the new sleep problems. so now i am sleeping better but it took all this hard work just to get back to the level i was at before. overall there is no progress. i am going around in circles. there are many days that i feel as bad or worse than the day i went to the hospital.

and for a long time i had confidence that with all the other crap, at least i would be able to put my skills to use to support myself if and when i beat this, but over the past week a few things happened that put things more into perspective for me and how hard it will be for me to actually make use of things and how hard it will be to be well, but unemployed, and still dealing with everything alone. the lonliness is really getting to me with regard to v-day because not only do i not have a valentine, but i;ve NEVER had a valentine. no one has ever in my life returned the love i had for them. always "just friends" and now even my friends are gone. no one has ever been "in love" with me, not even someone i wasn't interested in.

i just want some sign that i will survive this. and by survive i mean both the illness and all the many problems that this illness has brought, job, financial, loss of friends, loss of trust. and by sign i don't mean a sign from outside but a sign from somewhere inside of me, some peek at some hope, some of the confidence that i used to have.

i have to get some rest

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[nightdream]

Have a good night! (((((((((((Dexter))))))))))))))

nightdream

[PlanningtoLive]

Dave, I am so sorry. I wish we could give you that spark, or ray of hope, but you need to find it within. You have such talent and are very intelligent.

I know things are very bad and will get worse before it changes. Please try to hang in there. I can relate to the way time just flies by.............I had 2 days off and I can barely remember what I did, except sleep alot. Now it's back to work.

For what it is worth, I'm praying for you, praying for that sign to come out and show you what an incredible person you are.

Mary Alice

[Rapunzel]

You are an incredible person. And I have a feeling that you know that at least deep down inside somewhere. Maybe it's not the same as real life friends, but we are all your friends here, and we care about you. Consider this an early valentine.

[dexter]

thank you all. i slept late today but only today. i haven't been getting up early but generally not too late.

i am going to fight to make it to my support group tonight.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>