[chrystal09]

Hi, everyone! I am the wife of a man who has major depressive disorder...undiagnosed. I am in hell. I know many of you have depression. I am also on medication for depression, but this is not something I have experience with. He cries all the time and has irrational fears that I will leave him. I have never given him any reason to think I will, but it doesn't matter. He has nightmares and sobs every day. I am becoming angry because he won't see the problem and won't help himself. He is also suicidal and his father killed himself at 32. My husband is 30. I am very angry right now. I feel so helpless and confused. Any advice?

[lgreen1951]

He needs to get help, if he is sucidal you could have him hospitalized, and I know that sounds terrible, but better to handle it that way then to lose him forever. But, getting him to realize how bad he is is harder than it sounds. Good luck let us know

[chrystal09]

Thank you. We have no health insurance and like you said...he won't admit he has a problem that is severe enough to get help for.He says it's my fault that he feels this way. I have done nothing....it is all in his head..it is irrational. But thanks for listening

[Perna]

Can you ask your doctor for help? I would tell your husband of your anger, tell him you're angry about his behavior and his not getting help and that you want him to see a/your doctor. Let him know you are concerned too and love him but that his failure to do anything about his condition is also making you angry because it makes you feel helpless and you won't tolerate that. Point out that you're not well too and it's not fair for him not to "help" you and himself by seeing a doctor. Reassure him you have no plans to leave him at the moment but feel stuck and won't put up with his behavior forever. Emphasize the difference between "him" and his behavior and that you love him but not his behavior and he'll have to change that if you're to stay.

hi Chrystal09, welcome to PC. glad to have you on-board.

Have you considered going to therapy together, as a couple. he will be safe in the knowledge you are there and will also begin opening up and dealing with his depression.

something does need to be done, to help him and help you. it might be hard to make him realise he has serious problems that do need help, so just tell him to give group therapy a help, where its just you and him and the therapist. you could even tell him that you need to go too so he might think hes going along for your sake, but when you are there try to get him to open up, im sure it would work

i wish you all the best and i hope things improve soon.

take care

simon

[chrystal09]

Hi. Thanks everyone. Some people just don't understand this. They think I'm exaggerating because it sounds like a made for t.v. special. I have asked him to go with me to therapy. This is probably the only way he would go. However, we live paycheck to paycheck...i'm a fulltime student, he makes very little, and we have 3 kids. And we have no health insurance. The state of TN does not give insurance to adults so just the kids have it. Otherwise, I would already be there...believe me. I have also tried to focus on the "behavior" and not him, but he only hears what he wants. In fact, everything I say he distorts for some reason. He doesn't hear me. He only hears his own thoughts. I have personal experience with depression and I know that it can come out as a very selfish behavior. I also know that it can't be helped without professional help. That is why I fear suicide....he only hears himself and does not think of the rest of us.

[Perna]

Maybe find him a support group the two of you can go to?

http://www.dbsalliance.org/supportmap_results.asp?id=TN

[DaveyJones]

Chrystal,

The state of Tennessee does have a program for which you may qualify (I am on it). Find a sliding-scale fee clinic in your area, they should be able to hook you up with the TennCare mental health only plan. If not, they will charge you very little for their services. I've used sliding-scale providers (that charge you according to your income) in two different states now. Please give it a try. If you need help, PM me...I'm happy to help.

DJ

Here is a list of the providers throughout the the state: http://www.tennessee.gov/mental/safetynet.html

But again, find a provider and let them file your application...if you talk to them directly, they'll tell you you're not eligible...at least, that was my experience.

[chrystal09]

Thank you so much...I will try this.

It is expecially important to get help ASAP, because of his suicidal thoughts. If he had a parent that committed suicide (like I did--my mother) that also increases the chances that he will attempt it. My son was (when he was a teenager) suicidal & I took him t the nearest ER.

I also had delusions about my husband, that it was all his fault, he was "out to get me", that he didn't care about me & wanted me to die, etc. With medication & therapy those thoughts decreased tremendously. I sometimes still have thoughts that he is thinking bad things about me, but I'm able to see what is rational & what is not.

I hope he you can get him some help.--Suzy

[zombiette]

((((((((((chrystal)))))))))))) my mother is also mentally ill but refuses to get help...it's very difficult i know so i just wanted to send out my support

[chrystal09]

Thank you. Yes, he has dillussional thoughts about me wanting to leave him. This has not been the case until now. And it's not him I want to leave..it's his behavior. It has to stop. I can't stand it anymore and it is effecting our kids. My son (3) drew a pic. of daddy crying and my daughter knows when to leave him alone now. I used to consider him the best dad in the world. Why did this come on so suddenly?

It CAN happen suddenly like that. I just had an overdose come "out of the blue" with a comment my husband said. Please try to get him to the ER or some place that can help him. He doesn't realize his thoughts are all wrong if he is delussional. I've been there & seen it in my mother--you don't want to wait it out---it won't get better without help. My thoughts are with you. I'm concerned.--Suzy

[krea]

There is help. The state of Arkansas and Tennessee both have a mental health clinic and hospital that is based on your income. THey use a sliding scale, if your income is very low then the services are free. I've had to use it before. I know you want to help, but you've got to help yourself also. By all means call and make yourself and appointment, for your children's sake anyway. Call the crisis line and tell them your husband is suicidal. You know he doesn't want to feel this way, depression is horrible. I'm suffering from severe depression now. Please call asap, you've suffered enough. I wish you both luck and will pray for you. Hang in there.. I'm always here is you want to talk. katie

[chrystal09]

Hi, Everyone! I came on here looking for support, but not really expecting much. I am really happy to have all of you. I know he needs help. His main trigger is his jealousy and insecurity...both completely irrational. I am not talking about a little jealousy...I am talking major, over the top insane jealousy. For example....I offered him a drink of peach snapps one friday night after we had had a busy night and I thought we could spend some time together. His body went rigid immediately and I knew something was wrong. He was thinking, "who have you been kissing that tastes like peach snapps that you want me to taste like that." WHAT? Completely irrational and I was hurt and insulted. His mother is visiting us for a week now. I'm hoping that she can help, but at the same time I know part of this is her fault. Thanks for listening. me

[chrystal09]

HI. What did your husband say to trigger this? And what kind of family history do you have? Are you a jealous person? I understand if you don't want to give out too much info. but I am trying to understand and your situation sounds similar to mine. Thanks, Me

you can't force someone into treatment, but you can take care of yourself so that his problems don't become your problem by gonig to therapy for yourself that way at least you have someone to take to and help you though this and also if worse case scenio happens and he becomes suicidal and so on you have at least one professional that can help you take the nessesary steps to get him involuntary help, he will be very angry that you and your therapist took those steps but in some cases better angry then dead.

Hang in there and welcome to psychcentral.

[JustAPixie]

((((((((( chrystal )))))))))