[Alamut]

30 years old. Just lost my job a week ago, boss walked in and said we're closing down the company. I don't have any other options but to crawl back to my parents home. I'm living with my girlfriend but we didn't manage to save up any money, here in europe the rent is kinda high and the wages aren't so we lived nicely but didn't really have any significant chance to save. She is also finished with her summer job and here we are, unemployed and broke-ish.

Going back home bugs me for couple of reasons. I see it as a loss. I have a feeling my entire family will laugh behind me back. Also, the idea of burgling into their lives makes me nervous. My father keeps telling me we should come over until we find job and another apartment. That's all fine. But the problem is dealing with THEIR lives.

Here's the background - my parents live in the same house, but they live separated. The first floor of the house was renewed 10 years ago becase my father wanted me to live there, to have my little place to work, to have my own privacy etc. I was 20 back then. Around that time my parents relationship fell apart. Maybe it was bad before it, but I was too little to notice. So just around that time when that studio apartment was finished, they started to feud, big time, and me and my sister got involved, and it would always end up with her defending mother and I would try to stay in the middle but ended up on fathers side, or at least "opposed to mother side".

The arguments were tiresome, daily. I wanted to move out and I did, but returned home after couple of months due to breakup. My father moved downstairs to the little studio he built for me. And he's living there for 10 years.

So that's my parents home I have to come back now. Not only me, but my girlfriend too. I feel bad for dragging her around like that. We're not married, I don't want to get married in a situation like this. I find the whole ceremony laughable also.

I'm afraid about the dynamics in the house. My room is on the top floor of the house, which means me and my GF will be living on "mother's" side, and if I want to see my father I'll have to go downstairs. Just typing this make me laugh and cringe at the same time, it's so embarrassing. Did I mention they work at the same place since they have their own shop? Also, my sister is living there, but she never moved out, so she has this "bossy" attitude which I resent. And she doesn't have a boyfriend. Hooray.

I feel lifeless and I eat a lot lately. The fact the boss walked in and said we're closing down, out of the blue, without any (literally) signs of bad business in past 2 years (I know, I've seen the financial reports) is kinda surprising. And we have to move out quickly, since our landlord already found new tenants.

How do I go thru this? I'm coming home with my GF, we need to orchestrate our life in my little room and we need to find a way to be out of everyones way without being "rude"...me personally I don't want to hang out with them (my sister and mother).

I hate the jokes my mother makes, she has this stupid humor I can't stand, semi-ironic, putting everyone down depreciating kind of humor, I can't explain it but the point is I can't stand it, I find it annoying...and when she's not cracking "jokes" she's trying to lecture everyone, always trying to sneak some moral lessons as if she's hosting the View or Oprah....and the worst part is, in half of her moral remarks there's an underlying message about my father. She talks in plural "people this" and "people need to that" and "life is this" etc but I can clearly see thru it, all of those remarks are basically saying "don't do things like that guy living downstairs".

When my father comes up (for instance, when guests come, like for example, me and my GF) there's an obvious bad vibe between them, and it takes 5 sentences maximum until they start undermining remarks towards each other.

So this is my future. I have no (significant) money. But I do have prospect of having a job. In near future. It ain't guaranteed. It's a project I've been workin on with my friend and it seems that the whole thing is actually coming to fruition. But, like always, nothing was agreed or set between us. And I'm the work guy in the whole process, he's the "boss". So now I'm waiting for the news about it...

I also have a HUGE problem with another friend of mine, who proposed that we start a project and I said "hell yes" because that was 1 month ago when I still had my job and when I still had the idea of living in this apartment indefinitely. The thing's changed but I don't know how to break it to him.

He has a lot of his own money, he was smart enough to stay in his parents home until he hit 30, he saved up a lot of money, and - of course - he's dating a girl who is very well-off...so he lives with her, doesn't need to pay anything, makes money, saves money...where as I am in a completely different boat.

Anyway, he keeps calling me each day asking how its going and I'm trying to come up with excuse because I don't want to ruin our friendship...what a cluster****.

I also find myself having strong self-deprecation swings from time to time...maybe it's a leftover from parents (the usual, spanking, punishment curfews, and "you aint ****" talks...but I kinda understand it since they were battling each other thru us...) or maybe it's a leftover from my old job. Back in the day 7-8 years ago I got my first "real" job at my friends company and not only did I get ridiculously underpaid, I was treated in a way that haunts me to this day. Every single project I had (creative field) was rushed and everything I tried to make look better was cut down with the constant "who cares about it, oh as if someone will notice that, nobody will care, it can work without it, whoever think those details matter is an idiot" type of remarks.

For whatever reason, those words echo in my mind till this day. Whenever I find something I wish to perfect and take care of details, I hear those voices..."who cares....only schmucks care about those things"...etc

All these things depress me...and I really don't know where to start to shake them off.

[Alamut]

One more thing, since my parents have a sort of big house, 3 stories. The basement is empty and my father always asked me why don't we renovate it for me so I can have some place to come home to...in the light of my recent events, I'm thinking about it, and my GF asked me the same question...

but I feel this is a loss, coming home instead of living on my own...and I feel ashamed...like everyone will be judging me for that

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Alamut.

Originally Posted by Alamut

...those words echo in my mind till this day.

There's the situation - gloomy, and then there's your long-ago formed way of processing the situation. For you (me) words go deep and echo and re-echo. Our threshold for developing depression is lower than average.

If the project you mentioned blossoms, many of the things that depress you may disappear. How badly are your depressive symptoms impairing your ability to focus on that project?

[Alamut]

I would say the project didn't suffer at all, I did everything assigned to me and the feedback was great...of course, my part of the job was the creative part so I was the least satisfied of all the people involved, but I have criticism for all of my creative work, it's never good enough for me, always unfinished and always "could be better"

[arachnophobia.kid]

You situation sounds pretty tough... I'm really sorry.

Could I ask you to maybe tell me some of the things you are thankful for right now?

Don't take that the wrong way, I just think big changes like this often feel terrible but they also bring us so many new opportunities, can you see any good coming from this? Are there any good things presently happening? Is there anything you are looking forward to?

- A

[angryworld]

I hope this provides some assurance. Twice I've had to move in with family. Once in the 80's when Defense cutbacks knocked two consecutive jobs out from under me, and once in the 90's when the company I worked for was raided. The first time was somewhat OK. My GF at the time dumped me, further corrupting my self-esteem, but I got over it. The second time did not go so well as I had to move in with my current GF and her family. There was a lot of friction, but my Sweetheart and I now have our own place and are relativity OK.
This sort of thing happens more than you might think. I hope this eases any embarrassment you might have.
Since you have projects right now this might be the time to market yourself as an independent contractor. It sounds like you already have 2 clients and working for yourself is really the only way to escape the "who cares about that" mentality.

[Alamut]

Well, come to think of it, probably one of the main roots of this whole problem i have wiht myself and my esteem is my age. Here I am, turned 30, and the same old story, the story you all know, story everyone heard 10000000000 times.

Maybe this losing job situation came in the right time to wake me up. Anyway, I'm 30, I'm not exactly rich (going back home to parents hints towards that idea) I'm not married (I keep telling to my GF I don't want to get married while we're in situations similar to this)..

I'm afraid I won't realize myself. I'm afraid of starting any of my ideas, not business related, but passion related. I'm the type of guy who has all these ideas and interests...but I just can't, I can't get myself to execute.

Main reason?

Voice in my head tellin me : why are you wasting your time on that, you're too old and it won't make you any money.

I can't help it, I hear it every time. I had thousands of plans on realizing my little dreams, trying something outside the mundane "work/paying bills/occasional dinner" lifestyle.

I feel like I wasted my time...it's a wretched feeling.

[Alamut]

So the past few days i've been trying to come up with at least couple of good "ideas" for my direction in life (other than mandatory bill-paying activities)...still can't figure out what I would like to do and I keep hearing those "you wont make any money from it, get serious" voices.

To add more stress to my already colorful situation, the car died on my, I got three days to move and the car is dead. How grand.

Also, the fact I'll be in my parents home (with my GF) is dawning on me more and more...I keep imagining lunch...not having any privacy...having to eat at the same table...

I'll need to set some boundaries somehow...

[angryworld]

Originally Posted by Alamut

I feel like I wasted my time...it's a wretched feeling.

Yes, yes it is a wretched feeling. The time is wasted only if you didn't learn anything from it. A few mistakes now means fewer mistakes in the future.

Try not worrying about fitting into your parents life, let them know about the place they have in your life.

Keep it together, you'll pull through.

[Alamut]

last day in our apartment..and instead of doing something fun, like sex, I somehow started the conversation about hardships of moving, and we got from there to talking about our lives in general...and i got depressed...i asked her why is she keepin up with me, being that im broke and to make it all more pathetic, 2 days prior to us moving (because I lost my job) my car died......she kept talking all these really nice things about goals in life, moving step by step and basically she was talking all the things a nice girlfriend would say...

i didnt say too much, i couldn't really say anything...but all the dark thoughts clouded my mind again...as she was talking...she even asked me to say if i had the same goals or similar goals....but the thing is i dont have goals....i'm afraid of commiting, hence I don't want to get married....i don't want my parents to give me half of their house, that would corner me in - i would need to adapt to the fact that I'm their neighbor for ever...

but the worst thing is....as much as I don't want those things, I don't do anything to get on my own two feet...I don't consider living with my gf any accomplishment...fact still remains, Im broke...Im 30 without a house or a car and I keep dreaming about being independent but i dont have the responsibility to really go after it...because I think it would take away from my leisure time, i don't know, im a mess...