[cailin caillte]

I honestly do not think there is a treatment in this word that could cure me. Sure I could take medicines that would mask my true emotions or pay money to talk to someone about it but they'll still be there. I'm broken, unfixable a mess. I know what I should do and I know what people will tell me to do but for some reason I just know that this feeling runs deeper than just mood swings and hormones, it's been encoded and entwined into my very being. No one understands, especially my not my friends which makes this loneliness and isolation all the more crippling. I hate myself so much. I try to do good things and help others but in the end i'll always do more bad than good and most of the other times I have no idea what I'm doing. Days just blend into meaningless moments where I contemplate life and all the bad decisions I've made during my short one. I'm weak, I've been defeated, I'm a failure and ashamed of myself.

[Touch of gray]

Cailin, please be gentle with yourself and hang on even if you can't find any safe way out. You can ride out the worst times--it'll let you up for air once in a while.

I think they do people a disservice by calling these mood disorders. It's more of a full on existential crisis -- a total loss of the part of the self that keeps things under control. Kinda like the inner grown-up deserted you to leave you with the inept inner child & bossy inner super critic to fight over what's left. I hope you get yourself back soon. The folks here understand and always try to help. It's a great place to be safe. Please stay safe.

[gayleggg]

Hi, Cailin. Welcome to Pc. I agree with you I don't think they will ever be able to fix me, however, I choose medication because without them I'm not safe. I'm barely safe with them. I only look for periods of relief and I'll try anything to get it.

I hope you find the support here at PC that you need. I admire you for being able to endure without meds. Sure hope you can find some peace soon.

[LindZee]

i feel you -- except I don't think I make bad decisions. I feel like I make good and decent decisions, but somehow it's still wrong and definitely never will be good enough -- and that must be why my life sucks and I'll never have lasting happiness/contentment like others.

[Skywoulf]

I feel for you, because I am in the same place. and also medless, therapyless, & doctorless. I get up every day because I have no other choice, I plod through that tireing pain filled day because I have no other choice. I have been doing that for soooo loooong that it is kind of like an "Autopilot" for my body, while the insides (the real me) has been gone for over 30 years. I admire your strength because I am a week coward myself. too scared to even ask for help. (I posted in anexity explaining that one)

I keep going because no matter how I feel, it is the only thing I CAN do I firmly believe I am beyond all hope of help, and that turns out to my biggest stumbling block. I know I need it, but I literally have no rescourses. no money, no friends, no family to speak of........

if it wasn't for the fact that I FORCE myself to go on, I wouldn't be here. so even tho it might not make you feel any better, I will say it anyway:

if I can do it, you can do it!

after part of a broken dish is still better than no dish at all.

than kyou for your time, hope you feel (if not better) more relaxed soon.