Hi all, I'm Adrian (24) and I've just joined the group.

For the past two years or so, my life has slowly been going downhill. I'm a student busy with a master's degree, but I'm so demotivated already that it is hard for me to do anything at all. All the passions I had in life are gone, I have zero friends, and all the people I have reached out to want to know nothing of me. A month or so ago, I went to a therapist and finally told someone about what was going on in my life. I found the lady very understanding and friendly, but the solution she suggested is something I've realised myself.

My depression has been coming my whole life, but has only really surfaced (in my mind) over the last two years. The problem that started everything is that I have been manipulated and dominated by other older people my whole life, especially the male folk. They were so critical over everything I did and always made me feel useless and not man enough. Then, at school, when I was about 8, I was not only bullied by the other children, but by one of the teachers as well, every day of my life for a whole year. Her specialty was threatening me daily and failing me on almost all of my tests for no good reason, even if I had full marks. Up to this point I was healthy, lean, fit and a happy child, despite alcohol and domestic abuse at home between my parents. I became really unhappy and found refuge in junk foods such as chocolates, bread, cakes, chips and confectionaries and gained a lot of weight, which I have now been saddled with for about 15-16 years. I had no friends at school my whole life and not to mention, I've never had a girlfriend. Somehow though, I was always good academically and made it into university. I was still lonely and overweight, but I began to grow up and it finally felt as though I was going to change my life. I even made a few friends. Then, one day, I ran into a girl from school who I had hoped not to see again, as she used to play flirting games with me at school to make a fool of me in front of everyone. She started her stuff again, but this time pretended she wanted me to kiss her or something and as she lured me in, she shoved me away and left me right there. Afterwards, she would see me in public and aggressively turn her head in disgust in front of her friends, probably telling them how much of a loser and perv I am. This finally castrated me for good. A few years later, I met a fantastic girl and she really grew on me. I fell so in love with her and I began to feel that she might be the love of my life. But, because I was in the place I was in my life, she hardly noticed me and only spoke to me as a friend, and about two years ago we parted ways and I have never seen her again. I had her email and number though, and about a year ago I scraped enough courage together to tell her how I felt - big mistake. She was so grossed out and disgusted, that she has never made contact ever since. This really broke my heart as I truly loved her. But, I can imagine what it must be like to receive attention from someone gross like me.

After all this I finally realised that the only way to get out of this is to run away from the place I live now, out under the manipulation and domination that still continues to this day. But, I have a dilemma, because the people who have controlled me have stripped me of any sort of independence whatsoever, so if I leave it is going to be on foot and with absolutely zero money. I can't decide what to do - if I stay I'll never be happy but I'll have something to eat and a bed, if I leave I'll have nothing, but I'll have a chance at being happy maybe in my life and finally maybe losing weight.

I'm very sorry for taking up the time of everyone here with a length whine about my life, but I really did not have anybody else to talk to. I hope everybody here finds the happiness they seek, because you deserve it.

I really just want to thank everyone for listening.
Adrian

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Adrian. At about your age I made a radical break with just about all I had known up till then. For me it was an exceptionally difficulty but good decision. Consequently I admit my bias in favour of your taking a similar step.

Realise this, even if you succeed - and I sincerely wish you that success - in building a life apart from the people and environments that have nurtured depression, the depressive potential of your past will remain. You will have to remain vigilant. Learn about depression and develop tools to deal with it. Chances are you will need those tools in the future.

Again, welcome!

[dillpickle1983]

Hi Adrian.

I made a break when I was 21. Now 30. I left my hometown of 21 years and up and moved to Seattle. Since then I have bounced around but I have left the manipulation that caused great pain and anguish. Welcome to PC.

-Dillpickle

[Clara22]

Hi Adrian,
Thanks a lot for sharing your story! You are very young and mature. Little by little you will get better, I bet. Event though my experience is not that similar to yours, also I had to break away my family somehow in order to grow up and have a chance to have an adult life. I just wanted to tell you that in addition to your family background and their influence that you have introjected, there is an influence that comes from society as a whole, as well. I mean nowadays there are things that trigger our anxiety more than ever in history (given the type of society we live in). On the other hand, for sure you know that the food industry has become the enemy of good health not only because of publicity but also for the composition of food, the subsidies given to crops that are not that healthy while vegetables, etc, remain very expensive. Moreover, the hectic life we have, sedentarism,other problems in the modern life style are not helpful at all. It is hard to lose weight, despite we are depressed or not, despite our personalities, etc. So, if things get hard with regard to losing weight,please, do not be too hard on yourself. Be mindful of all the conditionality. Not to justify yourself, but to give fair importance to every factor intervening, not to dismay. I know you did not ask for advice I am not giving it, but just sharing my struggle with you. I wish you the best

Hi all, I would just like to say thanks to everyone who answered. It's great that someone out there knows what it means to live under very controlling people, and the debilitating effect they have on a person's life. I think it is becoming more clear as I go along - I'm going to have to break these 'ties that bind'. But, I still can't help but feel kind of pathetic, because everywhere around me I know that there are people with worse problems than mine, and that alone makes me feel extremely guilty and even more undeserving. What really shocks me is just how much of an effect it has on a person. I can't understand why it has taken away all the things that I used to enjoy in life. I feel so numb to all emotions. I am beginning to hate everything I do. I have zero energy to do anything. I know it sounds silly, but I just can't help but think that it's my fault somehow, that I've really angered someone who is now taking it out on me.

Also, it's just amazing how guilty controlling people can make you feel. It's uncanny how I can literally give hundreds of hours of attention to the things these people ask me to do, and when I only want 5 minutes for myself, I am the worst and most ungrateful person in the world. And, the feeling of guilt is so real, even though my logic tells me that it's nonsense. It's like I can see exactly what the answers are, but there is a glass wall between me and it. Everybody else is on the other side of the glass wall. It's also light on that side but dark on this side. It just feels like everybody else 'gets' life and I don't, like I'm too stupid or something.

I just feel so sad, like I'm totally missing out on life. Everyone else my age that I see everyday are so happy, and don't have a care in the world. One day soon, I might be 30 and this part of my life will be gone, and I'll have never had the fun I could have had, and I'll never get it back. Sure, I can still go and do something with my life and maybe make a success of it, but this time that is supposed to be great will be gone forever. All my life I've had to deal with the older people's problems, it's like I had no youth.

I have one other fear still. It seems that even when I get out underneath the controlling of these older people, say when I'm at university for the day, I seem to attract these people toward me. I have closer relationships with the professors than with the other students in my class. I especially seem to attract those that tell me what they want me to do. I think I've been conditioned or something, or this thing has imprinted itself on my life. I don't know if I'll ever be free.

I don't know if you guys are religious or not, but I am. I just can't help but think that after all this, the day I'm no longer here I'll just be told that I don't deserve any consolation whatsoever for my miserable life and that I will be punished for not understanding what I had to do. Besides, why should I be rewarded, I didn't do anything good.

Once again, thanks to everyone who listened and who gave hugs, I really do appreciate it. I'm just really glad that you guys who got it right to break free actually did it. I don't think I need to tell anybody here just how debilitating it is, and how unhappy it makes a person. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

[Clara22]

Hi,
Thanks a lot for this reflection. I was raised Catholic and because of my own initiative became more and more involved. Currently I am not practicing and I am not a believer. Guilt! It is so planted in our brain! It is something that Culture cultivates in us and then Religion reinforces. We know it is useless, but we cannot help. It is in our bones and unconsciously gains our will. But, practicing we get rid of it, at least, to the majority of it.

Hi.
It's nice to meet you.
I would like to comment on your initial post. Perhaps these people that you meet are not really thinking what you think they are thinking......
And if they DO have a problem, it's their problem, not yours.

Other than that, congrats on the higher education thing. That is a tremendous achievement in itself. Be proud of that. My daughter is doing it and she has days when she cannot see the end. (The work can really wear you down fast, and money.....what money?) But it will only get better.

Are you able to stay put until you are done with school?

And FWIW, my 20's were the worst time in my life and I expected it to be a time of great beginnings and tons of fun.....not so much.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

What really shocks me is just how much of an effect it has on a person...

Yes, depression really is that powerful.

Originally Posted by StbGuy

I especially seem to attract those that tell me what they want me to do. I think I've been conditioned or something, or this thing has imprinted itself on my life. I don't know if I'll ever be free.

You have keen insight. You see the conditioning and imprinting. They may never totally disappear, but you can work at minimizing their effects.

A lot has been written about "people pleasing". Not all of it may apply to you, but you may find some useful material.

Success to you, StbGuy.

Thanks again for all your insights. To sophiesmom, yes, I can stay put for now, I have no other choice because the creditors kind of own me until I'm done with my studies. But, after that I'm free to do what I want, so to speak.

I guess you guys are right, I am a people pleaser, but I think it's because I hate disappointing other people, for fear of criticism. I am also mind-numbingly afraid of failure. This is tough, because one needs to make mistakes in order to learn - I just avoid situations where I might fail.

It's hard to explain though what I feel when observing other young people living life and going about their business. They all just seem so motivated all the time and nothing is too much of a challenge. It's definitely something I seem to lack. It's really weird actually, come to think of it. They all kind of treat me like an older person, a lot of respect and so forth, but no love or friendship. I was a tutor at my university earlier this year, teaching younger students during practical classes, and I seemed to fit that role quite well, because the students responded quite well to me sort of "teaching" them. Many of my own peers also used to ask me for help with work, ask me to explain things to them. But, it's just like I could feel they didn't think of me as one of them, so I guess I can understand why that girl for example was so taken aback when I suggested something other than just being there to help her when she needed something explained. I really don't like this role that has seemingly become who I am to others. I think maybe the situations presented to me when I was a young boy made me grow up very quickly, because I realised what I had to do to gain the respect of elders, and in a way I was maybe never really a child.

It's funny how all these small things that have happened over about a decade and a half have snowballed to what I sit with today - a huge problem. I really liked that analogy that Al Gore used once on his Inconvenient Truth film, where he said that if you drop a frog into hot water, he realises it's burning him and he jumps out immediately, but if you put a frog in cold water and raise the temperature slowly but surely, he doesn't realise a thing and will simply adapt but eventually boil, if he is not rescued. That's how this feels to me. It is as if all these little things did not bother me so much when they happened and I thought I had dealt with them back then, but they have stayed and have slowly all worked together to shape me into the person I am now.

Thanks again for listening guys, and for wishing me all the best for my future, I'm definitely going to need it. I really hope we can all conquer these things that plague us.

[Clara22]

Just one more thing: people are not like you imagine, they are not inside as they look like. There are plenty of examples, some of them very famous people. At least you know what is going on with yourself, other people live in their own trap

[Fuzzybear]