am i really that bad?

Am i being selfish? I don't know what to do anymore. I hate living at home. Everytime i'm here i get depressed. My boyfriend and i will most likely be living together by the end of this week, seeing that i'm going to get kicked out of here anyway. I just wish that someone cares. Why is it that people care about children more than they care about adults? I don't get that. If someone neglets a child it's like this sin but if no one finds out and that child grows up it's suddenly too bad get over it. I can't stand my life. I feel like i'm just pretending to live from day to day. I just want to stair off into space. where is the happness? Why are we in this world if we aren't going to be happy? I don't get it. I must be somewhere out there. but then there is this voice deep down inside telling me that i'm just kidding myself. That this is it. There is no happiness. I don't think i was supposed to be in this world. It doesn't make sense if i was. Why do i have to carry all of this suffering. I always usesd to try to tell myself it would be for some good in the end, but I see now that's not true.

Hi audrey. I am glad to hear that you are finally able to move out of your horrible household situation. I hope thinks work out living with your boyfriend.

When we were last speaking we were talking about persuing therapy. I was wondering if you have looked into that. You were not sure of the benefits but I can assure you that once you find the right therapist for you they can help you understand a lot about the way you feel the way you do and how to improve it. They can teach you coping skills to help you survive the difficult times of depression and anxiety. And ultimately ways to improve your life so that you are more in control of some of these feelings.

A psychiatrist can also prescribe medications that can help if they determine you need them. If you have a chemical imbalance, that will keep you feeling depressed no matter what you do. Medicines have come a long way in a very short period of time. You have to give them time to work, several weeks usually, and sometimes it takes a while to find the right medication for you, as everyone responds differently. The medication will not "cure" your depression, but they will lift the barrier that keeps you from getting relief from the depression no matter what you do (assuming there is an imbalance at the root of your problem. Only a doctor can determine that).

You were worried about what your family would think if you were in therapy, but they have been treating you badly, so why should you put what they think above your own well being? If there is a possibility of feeling better by persuing treatment, are you going to cut yourself off from that possibility, and continue to suffer, because of what they might think? I am hoping that movine out of their household will make it more comfortable for you to find treatment. Check with your local hospital or mental health clinic and they can give you information on what is available and what you can afford, if that is also an issue.

>>Why is it that people care about children more than they care about adults?

I'm not sure that people care more about children but they are much more prone to advocate for them, because unlike adults, children don't have the option of making their own choices or finding ways to improve their situation. For example you have options that you are pursuing, starting with moving out of your house and in with your boyfriend. You have the option of seeking treatment for yourself. If things don't work out you have the option of trying to find a way to find a place of your own, find someone to share room rent with, etc. Children have none of these options and don't even know that options exist. They need someone to look out for them, especially if their family won't, because they are unable to look out for themselves. Even coming here for support and advice is not an option for young children.

I hope that moving out will be a big step for you toward feeling better. I also really hope you are able to seek treatment because it sounds like it would really benefit you.

Keep posting here for support, too. You can also try to find a local support group in your area, these are usually free. You don't get treatment by a professional at a support group but it helps to talk and share and be around other people who can understand.

Good luck and keep us posted.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

I'm not sure "bad" is a good word to use anywhere! I agree with dexter... now that you're an adult, you must make your own decisions. It's unfortunate that you still want someone to take care of you, other than yourself. I wish for you increased confidence that YOU can take care of YOU and making your own decisions for your own life is a GOOD thing!

Decide on some good things for yourself. What is it you want in life? Not just "be happy" but what purpose are you going to find for living? Now you get to decide. Seek out who you are, and why you are here. Try not to run on the idea that it all should happen. The journey is part of the living.

<font color=green>...I can misspeak like the best of us</font color=green>

Hi Audrey,

I was about to jump in and sympathize with you about people only caring about children, 'cause I have felt that way too. What about those children after they become adults? Then I read Dexter's post. He really has a good point about adults having more options available to them than children do. While your inner child still wants nurturing (I think we get a lot of that here on this forum), now you do have options for changing your situation and making your own life what you want it to be.

For you, it looks like first priority is getting out of your parents' house. That situation is not doing you any good. I had to get away from my parents too, and I didn't have much when I did it. I lived at home and went to college and worked part time for one year, and saved enough money to pay my rent in a cheap student apartment with six roommates the next year. (paid the rent for the school year in one lump sum) I went to a different state from where my parents were, because I needed to get away from them. They fought me, but I had to do it. Then I relied on financial aid and a scholarship. I had part-time jobs but they didn't pay much. I just barely scraped by, but I was out and I did make it. You can too!

And therapy can help a lot to help you come to terms with your past and learn how to deal with the present, as well as plan for your future.

I'm sorry you can't stand your life, but when your life is intolerable that means it is time to take charge and make some changes. You can do it!

<font color=orange>"Everyone has a need for significance; and if we can't make that possible, or even probable, in our society, then it will be obtained in destructive ways." -Rollo May</font color=orange>

Thanks for your posts. It is nice to know that someone cares. Dexter you do have a good point. I was really in a bad mood when i wrote that. I get jelous sometimes because no one was ever there for me when i was younger. As far as taking charge of my life.. i feel like i've been doing that for a while, but I guess i didn't realize that i needed to do more. I'm so happy you guys replied thanks.

yep in the end every one of us has to take care of ourselves and our own happiness. it is nice to have help but we don't always get it and sometimes it is there but we just don't see it. i also have been very angry that no one is around to help me after all the years i spent where i was stable and devoted much of my time and energy into helping them. but my philosophy has always been "life is what you make of it" so while i am angry i still feel that i'm the only one who can get me out of here. even if my friends were still around, they might make it easier for me to get by but i would still be the only one who can get me out of here.

rapunzel has a good point about nurturing our inner chiild. that is something also that i think everyone needs, but i think we need it more than most because we are in so much emotional pain, and so fragile. that is the nice thing about a place like this. i did not mean to imply that we always need to be "adult" about things because i believe part of our recovery is recognizing when we need to be nurtured and seeking that out. it is still important to realize that we have options toward that goal, it may be very very difficult at times when it seems the rest of the world does not want to cooperate, but we have an added capability to nurture ourselves when we need it. part of what is so horrible about depression is that it cuts off our ability to recognize that need, or recognize that we deserve it, and/or unable to reach it on our own.

good luck audrey and hope things start improving for you.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>