Possible marriage proposal

I haven't been around in a while...I don't know if anyone remembers this but I had PTSD. I was a crime victim and had been in a very bad relationship.

My current boyfriend has been talking about marriage a lot lately...We met 7 years ago, broke up for the year and a half I was in grad school, and started to get close again over the summer...So it has been fairly committed - he is one of my closest friends.

He has been talking in detail about our future...and recently he has started talking about our wedding. We aren't engaged. He took me into a store a few days ago because he said he was looking for a watch, and then asked to see the engagement rings...

I was shocked but very happy...We came home and he started talking about the kind of gown he would like, which of our friends we would want in the ceremony, etc.

The next day he called me and said that he does not want to get married for at least 3 or 4 years. He thought he might propose in a year or longer. He said that he does not want to rush into anything...

I don't understand why he took me into that store or why he was discussing everything is he has no intention of doing anything about it...I am very upset.

I thought someone who has more experience or is older than me could enlighten me on this one...

He could have been scared and trying to guage your reaction? I know I have a lot of ideas about myself and like to try them on; he might have been "practicing" in that way?

I'd be a little worried about "he started talking about the kind of gown he would like," and that sort of thing as that sounds a bit controlling. You're the one wearing the gown and the marriage is generally thought to be mostly for the woman and your wishes, if he asks you to marry him, would count "equally."

Sounds like he has a bit of growing up to do and maybe you have to think and sort out for yourself just how interested you are in marrying him in particular versus marrying/having someone because it's companionable and a nice thing. Why did you break up when you went to grad school? Have you more education than he does, is/was he "jealous." He may have the idea that he's "important" to you because of your illness and that makes him feel better about himself and then, when away from you, gets scared.

WOW! Did you ever hit the nail on the head!

I do think he is scared on some level...and I think he does feel he is important because he was with me while I had PTSD.

Yes, I have more education that he does...and he does talk about it all of the time...I went to college and he did not...but it does not bother me. I think it bothers him.

I was a little surprised about the gown issue - it is supposed to be my choice...I don't think he meant anything by it. He was telling me what he liked from a few I had picked...

He seems totally confused honestly...

Thanks for your response Perna!

I don't know how guarded/expressive you are but were I you I'd "test" him a bit by paying attention to his responses after some of your own actions/words? When he says something, call him on it or get more enthusiastic than you normally would, etc. and see if the next interchange changes him? Or get iffy, not sure if you're interested in getting married (especially to him?) and see if he bumps up his mood to make you interested?

well Yack I had a similar experience. My husband to be arrived at the airport with only one thing in his mind. He was going to call it off. He didn't want to go through with it. He wanted out. When he saw me though everything that he was planning to say to me, all went down the drain. 21 years later we are happily married. So I think your boyfriend is just extremely scared. You'll see that he will change. Especially as it's him who brought up the subject first. I really hope it works out for you Yack

Hello

That's a very hopeful story...I hope it works out, and I do really think he is scared...but you have to understand the fear on my end because I went through something horrendous before...I am very skeptical now when it comes to that level of commitment.

Perna...You sound like you have training in mental health..(I do!)...I am trying to be more expressive and direct...I will try what you said when I speak with him again..

Thanks!

Nah, I'm just old :-) I have found it's true that you get wiser (or at least more experienced :-) as you get older. And, I didn't get married until I was 39, had quite a bit of experience not marrying the wrong guy

Ahh ok....Lol.

Yack... congratulations?!

First and foremost is that you have a terrific boyfriend who makes you happy.

I think Perna's replies to you have really nailed it. I can almost picture him backpedaling frantically if he sensed that you weren't sharing his same level of enthusiasm.

I am a little stumped on the dress issue, though. I'd be put off by that, too, but perhaps he just is someone who enjoys being 'involved'. Be glad for that -- many guys wouldn't give a hoot about details of their wedding. The only thing to watch out for is if he seems to want to choreograph every aspect of it on HIS timeline and based on HIS plan... just make sure that he has equal consideration for yours.

Congratulations, Yack. You sound MUCH better than before. I'm happy about that

I can't help it but to feel like your weren't there. Am I getting the wrong idea?!
I wonder if you felt confortable and actually playing a part in everything, and if so, What did you think/feel when you guys were in the store? Or did you think getting married was something you wanted to do? When?
I've been married for 8 years and even though, I'm happily married, I have a great husband/friend/lover/companion; you have to be really want to be with someone.
I hope you can find the real answers to your questions.
hang in there

"I can't help it but to feel like your weren't there. Am I getting the wrong idea?!
I wonder if you felt confortable and actually playing a part in everything, and if so, What did you think/feel when you guys were in the store? Or did you think getting married was something you wanted to do? When?
I've been married for 8 years and even though, I'm happily married, I have a great husband/friend/lover/companion; you have to be really want to be with someone.
I hope you can find the real answers to your questions.
hang in there"...

Do you mean was I emotionally there? Yes, I was...I was thinking how surprised I was that it was actually happening, and I was very happy...I freaked out because he called the next day and said he wanted to wait (but for 3 years?!). I didn't know what to think.

I'm still in school, getting my masters, so I want to wait until I am done with the academic part and starting my internship to get engaged (which is about 7 months)...

He has been with me through a lot, honestly...He somehow put up with the PTSD, my being unable to drive for months, coming with me to have medical tests done because I got physically ill from the stress, etc. I was with him (dating him) all through college, finals, high stress ( I was premed)

...When we broke up after college he became my best friend. What threw both of us was when it started getting romantic again...We did not see it coming, so I think it was a shock.

I guess it's just weird because he really appears to be freaking out.

I just spoke with my boyfriend..

He has spoken with his mom and his brother's fiance about us getting engaged...They seem to be supportive...He is serious about it, he just got so overwhelmed he freaked out...

It's still overwhelming to both of us I think...

It's terrible to get your hopes up and then let you down...