[PrisonBound]

I've suffered from major depressive disorder for over a year...and depression/ocd/panic my whole life. Been in therapy about 4 months. It's going ok. But I still have awful days. We all do, I get it. But now, even on my great days, I know those black dark days are still coming, and when they do, they're debilitating.

I'm not suicidal, but I totally understand how a person can sit down and come to the rational decision "ok, this is how my life is, and I choose not to suffer this way anymore". Almost like a terminally ill patient choosing to end their life rather than suffer. After 45 years of this, sometimes I think "why bother doing another 45 of this". Ending it is the ONE thing I can control.

Idk, anyone else ever feel this way?

Sorry to dump....horrible weekend.

[SadPam]

Oh, yeah, I can relate...I think I shocked my therapist when I told her I don't see me as ever not being depressed and, given this, I welcome death.

I get that life is difficult, but to have to approach it daily already in a depressed state makes it that much more so.

You're not alone, PrisonBound, I would imagine most of us on this board have entertained similar thoughts at one point or another. Take it one day at a time.

[PrisonBound]

Thanks for the response I do my best to take it one day..one HOUR at a time. I've recently brought this up w my therapist. Trying to be positive. Some days though....

[Fuzzybear]

[wiltedxdaisy]

I can definitely relate to what you are thinking and feeling. I get so scared when I am doing 'well' that I am going to go back down, and have surgical thoughts quite often, not like I'm doing to do it right away, but that it'll probably happen someday. I'm glad that you were able to open up to your T about this. Try to remember that we all have our ups and downs, and that you just gotta try to fight the depression as best you can. Find something that you are passionate about and pursue it. It doesn't have to be anything big, but like, for me, I started a community page on FB to help people dealing with Mental Illness and to hopefully bring hope back into their lives. It has given me a purpose and motivation to get out of bed even when I feel like curling up in a ball and staying there forever.

~Angel

[Webgoji]

I too have fought Major Depressive Disorder for about 30 years now, been on and off medications and now it's full blown. Suicidal thoughts are really scary, I have them too. I think the thing to keep in mind for that is that they aren't you, but the depression thinking that. Even though the thoughts are there, quickly distance yourself from them. They'll still be there, but if you can't mentally distance yourself from those thoughts they can take over.

And yeah, you know it's coming. Like back pain that you'll never get over. I wish I could take my own advice, but the more you live in the moment, the easier the fight will be when the depression rears its ugly head.

As they say, "hang in there". You can beat it.