[LymaBeane]

I am almost 57 and I have gotten to the point to where there is nothing anyone can say anymore to make me feel better about growing old alone. I don't look in the mirror except when getting ready for work. My daughter has distanced herself from me over a year and a half ago. The family dynamic that once was is gone now that my daughter is separated. I have 3 grandkids. The oldest is 15 and no longer calls me. My grandson has autism. The youngest is 5 and she still likes to visit but one day she will outgrow it. I pushed my friends away because I am tired of pointless chatter. They are alone like me and they accept it but I cannot. There are no answers and why am I beating a dead horse? I see my shrink on Monday and what can he say that can help? I will ask him that. The meds I am on don't do anything. They help with OCD but not depression. The song Nights in White Satin by the Moody Blues has been constantly filling my head and making me cry because I was 13 when the song came out and all I think of is wanting to go back to the 70s. I was happy once in my whole life and that was when I was in love in 1975. Nothing ever came again. I feel like I failed. I don't want to be alone but there isn't any hope for me to ever find a companion. I feel a deep loneliness that I have never experienced in my life. It came when my daughter pulled away from me. I am not blaming her. She has her own problems. But she got tired of seeing me depressed while she was growing up and she knows if she tells me her troubles that I will get freaked out and worried about her and that freaks her out. So I don't know the half of what she goes through.
I post pictures on FB of dead flowers. I feel like a flower nobody picked and it is dying. Nobody on FB gets it. I can't blatantly scream "HELP ME" because people I know say the same things and there is no answer. I have heard everything and nothing helps me.
I can't listen to my favorite music because it evokes memories of better times and makes me feel like I want to just scream and not stop. I wish there was a med that can dull that feeling in my head. I don't have any interest in anything anymore anyway. Why am I even posting? Like I mentioned it's a dead horse.

[Little Miss Death]

you story really broke my heart. im so sorry please post and let others respond. send me a private message if you want. i'll talk about anything. please don't lose hope. sending loves

to be honest, your story made me cry. i don't usually cry much. please talk to me if you need to. i'd be a good friend.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by LymaBeane

I wish there was a med that can dull that feeling in my head.

I think I may be taking those meds. At least the meds I take have that effect on me.

LymaBeane, you are economical in your posting, and when you post it's significant.

[Heather07]

Wow. I'm 57 and will be turning 58 in a few days. My 19 year old daughter died 3 years ago(from an infection acquired in the hospital she was taken to after being in a car accident).-she was the only person on earth whom I felt really cared. I just found out that my 27 year old son, who I have been trying to help(building a place to live on some adjoining land)is doing drugs (and other immoral things) he has been communicating with my younger son age 17(planning to do some drugs,etc) who I just paid for a ticket to visit for Christmas. My son accidentally left their conversations from 3 weeks on my computer-right there when I turned it on.I also learned some things going on in my younger sons life. I feel so much loss and betrayal. I was a single parent for so long(left abusive marriages)I really tried to give my children a good life. Talking about growing old alone.....i don't know if i can stand the pain of losing my children. I am so alone-no family and moved here 2 years ago-the trauma and pain of my past seems to consume me-yes growing old alone.

[too SHy]

I feel the same way. I'm terrified of growing old alone. Older people tend to be ignored in this culture. I try to think positive, I think we're still relatively young. These days people age better than in the past. I know people who are much older and I think they look great. I am trying to get fitter with diet and walking alot. We just owe it to our families to strive to remain positive .

My goodness LymaBeane, you sound almost exactly like me. You and I are about out the same age. I will be 57 next month. I have recently been reminiscing that it was 40 years ago at this time when I met a girl that I was really in love with and she felt the same way about me. Back then the relationship had ended within a few months and I never found someone like her after that.

I too am afraid of growing old alone. I think that a lot of us around our age are feeling that way. I only have one good friend going for me and that's it. He's busy a lot, so I don't get to see him that much. As far as having any kind of companionship for me, it's looking very bleak. Oh and by the way, I have never been married and no kids. Also my family that I have left after my parents have passed away, are split up.

Just this morning my sister called me. She was telling me to just keep on praying and someone will come along! Well, I have heard this for over 30 years and it gets old to hear that. She was being very positive and meant well, but I feel like she didn't realize how much she was hurting me. Also she had Christmas music on and is all enthused about Christmas. I will be spending Christmas alone and have for many years. It's like why don't you feel good that you are being blessed while someone you are talking to is suffering already!

I had been thinking that if I have some kind of diagnosis with a disease, I would just rather let it go. Why would I want to get treatments and stuff just so I can be kept alive and be old and alone. And not well. At where I live, I see lots of old men walking around all by themselves and they don't look too happy. I don't want that to look forward to!

[SadPam]

I, too, know that feeling of overwhelming loneliness, LymaBeane. My situation's a little different in that I live with a man, but he is emotionally unavailable, the relationship is platonic, he hardly says a thing and essentially works, sleeps and watches TV. He's a good man but has no idea how to relate to others. Never married, no kids, career in the crapper, and I isolate terribly due to my depression as well as having given up on friends who betray me.

I often think about that Who song where he sings "I hope I die before I get old"; I'm lonely, virtually broke so retirement won't be an option, feel like I don't have much to offer someone at this stage in the game (58), and worry that the older I get the more health problems will be an issue. It's hell getting old, especially when alone. Parents gone, estranged from brother and sister. Thank God for my dog and laptop!

Prayers for your broken family to be restored and, even if not a special someone, another who will lessen your loneliness.

[LymaBeane]

I apologize and don't want to make anyone sad. I think us baby boomers are having it harder growing old because we were the young hip generation of the 60s and 70s with rock and roll and times seemed so innocent compared to today. There were drugs then of course but now there are worse drugs; one in particular actually rots your insides out and you end up having crocodile skin and you die in 2 years when you use it. They are taking all kinds of chemicals to make drugs; I would not want to be a young person in this time. Only in the 70s, not today. I did one positive thing today and I dyed my hair which I haven't done in almost 2 years. The white and gray made the rest of my hair look dull and flat and no shine or color. I won't know if it looks good until Monday at work then I will see what they say. If they say nothing that means they had nothing good to say.
Today I felt very down and what made me saddest is that at one time I lived in a family with 3 sisters and we interacted on a daily basis. Yes we fought and argued at times. Then I had my daughter who I raised. Then when she got married and had the kids, I was needed to babysit so on a weekly basis I saw them all. And on a daily basis I got a few 10 minute phone calls from my daughter. All that stopped in July 2012 when her and I became estranged and at the same time her marriage was falling apart; we have since made peace but it's not the same. Now I get a text from her on Saturday to tell me she is bringing my youngest granddaughter and then on Sunday I get another text telling me she is picking her up and that's it. So my youngest grandchild right now is family I have left but I know one day she will outgrow it so I see it as temporary.

I appreciate all the replies I got on this forum and I know I am not the only one going through this. I think I was ok when I was needed by my family. I need my mother now more than ever and she passed away 15 years ago. One day my daughter might need me and I hope it won't be too late for her.