[trippythreesix]

Hi. You all can call me trippy i suppose.

This is my first post, so fingers crossed I have demonstrated good forum behavior before posting.

So as my first thread i guess I'll dive right into to the original reason i signed up on this site.. I've been having some trouble, like most everyone here. I am 16 and a guy(hope I'm not too young for this forum), and I know most people when reading a post from someone in my age group tend to automatically judge and dismiss has "normal", however I'm quite educated on the topic at hand.

Anyway, I'm 16 and up until recently (2 months ago) my only hiccup was a brief experimentation with self-harm as a stress reliever or anger management tool. But as of 2 months ago or so I've begun to become increasingly pessimistic. Given that the "old" me was mischievous and overly-social and talkative and involved, the "new" me seems... dead, to say the least.

I've lost almost all motivation for photography and art and skateboarding. I've picked up smoking cigarettes, starting at two a day.. now were sitting at half a pack a day since I'm in school most of the time. Caffeine ties me between my last cigarette before school and the first one after school. Also I have been getting really disorganized lately and unable to keep track of my thoughts.

And as cliche as it may come across I hear voices. They arnt generic negative voices either like many are mine are very specific in their goals and objectives. Each one with a different goal. Sometimes I'll hear dogs bark in class. I know it cant be real because there cant be a dog in a class room.. I would see it. I'm also very sure I wasn't just day dreaming.. they are very vivid auditories and very startling.

For some reason I can't seem to maintain positive relationships with anyway. My relationships in general with my mom and step dad as well as teachers friends co-workers seem volatile at best. And It has to be my fault.

I have these beliefs about my soul at night and shadows and sometimes I see myself in public. If I move my right hand, so does the me that I'm seeing. Then I'll quickly realize that no one can hear me or see me, the ME that I am seeing is the real me and I must not be real.

I'm lazy, I don't every feel like socializing, I hate the way I look, act, talk, think, believe. I've picked up self harm again. Im scared I'm becoming helpless and worthless.

As far as friends go, I'm very insecure. I feel upset and self conscience 24/7 and more so when I feel a friend or girlfriend is retreating a bit. I have this obnoxious fear of being alone so if i feel like my friends are retreating I'll cut the ties with me so that I can feel like it was my choice.

Depression absolutely rules my life. Self harm and drug use dont help much in the long run. I remember what it feels like to be happy and love life and hanging out with friends on Friday night and skating and having a great time making memories but I straight up cannot bring myself to enjoy anything in life. I've thought about suicide quite a bit. The closest I've came is just a kick of a chair away.

My ex-girlfriend saw me for the first time in a year and we talked for a bit. I was nice and respectable but a week later someone told her about how I've "changed"(I havn't opened up to anyone this person just made their own observations) saying that I have a lit cigarette almost 24/7, Im sad or angry all the time that I'm ruining my life and have become a **** and picked up frequent drug use and sex (I have started harder drugs like cocaine and LSD aside from weed. and The frequent sex is true as well).

So, yeah, now my exgirlfriend hates me. Whats abnormal about that though right? She broke up with me last year because aparently she dated me for 9 months purely out of pity and never loved me. **** that.

As far as help I've attempted to seek: Little to None.

Last your during my first experimentation with self-harm, I only tried it once but I was pretty pissed about alot of things and cut a few cuts too deep for comfort and was caught when my principle began to wash his hands in the sink next to me and looked over -____- lol. So i recieved brief counseling because they wouldnt let me back inside the building until I had been evaluated and seen a counselor at least once and scheduled two more. So three 40 minutes counseling sesions. and That's it. It's been a "lets-ignore-my-sons-issues-now-and-pretend-like-nothing-happened" kinda thing and I dont think I could ever ask my mom for help ever ever ever again.

After all, I have a pretty good life. The only devastating thins that have recently occurred is that my dad almost attempted suicide in front of me and my mom has terminal cancer. but my step dad is very loving and sacrifices a lot for my 14yr old sister and I. Hes very fun and reasonable.

My dad is a hardcore baptist (were in Texas so..) and I'm not Christian. I believe in a God and souls and and demons and angels and what happens to your soul at night and how shadows can reveal certain things. "Crazy" things (; but sometimes i feel as though i dont REALLY believe those things and that maybe they're just therioes I've created to fill my religious void as I have a hard time swallowing Christianity and idk if theres another religion out there that suits me really. Im more Agnostic i guess. or Existentialist.

ANYWAY lol my dad is hardore baptist and seems to think that I am a demonic soul now and that i need cleansing or some ****. My grandparents agree with him to the point of not allowing me in the house for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. My mom although terminal mostly controls my life. I find her making fun of who I am alot, only because she is very biased and open about her thoughts and I am "not the son she wanted. Why cant {I} be jus tlike my younger brother?" (who killed himself at 26).

Sorrymy post maybe painful to read and disorganized. I guess I posted this for suggestions on how to get help, if I need help, or even maybe some sort of understanding of whether or not I have symptoms matching a certain disease. I just want to know whats wrong with me and whats going on. I can't seem to focus on a single passion like skating or photography or fishing or horse-riding or reading or writing without losing interest and moving on to something else. I feel so empty and alone. This isnt a pity post. I just want input.

Thank you guys for sticking with the Thread for this long. Hope you all ahve a better day.

Trippy

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Trippy!

Originally Posted by Trippy

...I have a pretty good life. The only devastating thins that have recently occurred is that my dad almost attempted suicide in front of me and my mom has terminal cancer. but my step dad is very loving and sacrifices a lot for my 14yr old sister and I. Hes very fun and reasonable.

You may not be consciously feeling the stress from your father's suicide attempt and your mother's terminal illness, but I would hardly dismiss them as potent sources for what you are experiencing. Goodness, you've a family history of suicide/suicide attempts on both sides.

Originally Posted by Trippy

...lost almost all motivation for photography and art and skateboarding
...I have been getting really disorganized lately and unable to keep track of my thoughts.
...I hear voices...very specific in their goals and objectives...very vivid auditories and very startling.
...picked up self harm again.
...thought about suicide quite a bit. The closest I've came is just a kick of a chair away.
...have started harder drugs like cocaine and LSD aside from weed.

Even if it means some friction with your parents, I believe it's in your best interest to go for help as soon as possible. Do you have someone at your school you trust - any teacher, counselor, nurse, administrator?

Please keep posting, Trippy.

[puzzclar]

Go into the counselor's office at your school. Its a place to start. I do believe that you would benefit from professional help, but it seems like that maybe a challenge. Push for help.
Yes life is hard but its worth the time. You have many years ahead and many good things. There is help available. Of you need to contact someone to talk to. If you need to go to www.crosischat.org to talk to someone that about some of your thoughts. You can message me if you would like.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk

[trippythreesix]

What scares me is that my Dad is Bipolar and his brother is Schizophrenic. On top of that my mom has two siblings that are Borderline Personality. If I'm understanding my research correctly i fear I may be developing Borderline or Schizophrenia.

Here in Texas at least a counselor is obligated to tell the parents if a mental illness is suspected or if the word "suicide" ,just the mere word, comes up inconversation and it would **** up my family. My little sister has already watched me degrade. I dont think I can afford to hurt her anymore with my nonsense. I've always fantasized about killing myself once I graduate. Make it look like i went missing or something.

Trippy

[Idiot17]

Welcome to pc.

[puzzclar]

There are other forums that could help you with ideas for what coping skills could be used for different symptoms. Use this website as a resource for ideas, since in-person doesn't sound like its going to happen.

I too have fantasized about my death. So far that hasn't happened. It is possible to live with any type of disorder. I am glad that you have take in some time to look up what it is, and you may want to try some different coping skills that are listed. Not all work for a person, but if you keep trying things can improve.

welcome and puppy HUGS to ya.