[NemOthEgReaT]

I cant help but pretend I am fine. People have more important things to worry about than me. So somehow I always end up throwing on a huge smile and going OTT to act happy. And people seem to fall for it (despite the fact that I don't speak, I get angry so easily, I'm in an adolescent unit, and I keep on attempting suicide).
They just don't care.
I don't care.
I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate everyone. for years, I have been trying but I've finally given up. I screw everything up, I feel trapped and hopeless and I wish I was dead, I really do.
People see what they WANT to see. They see my right arm, the one without any scars, instead of my left arm, which is ugly and flawed. They see my smile, forced and fake, instead of the tears pricking in my eyes. Sometimes it feels like they don't even see me at all.
I just don't know what to do anymore- No matter what I do or stay, no one cares.
Look, i'm sorry to go on about everything I know its selfish and stupid and I'll annoy you like I annoy everyone else but there's no one else I can talk to.
I just want to scream.
cant even scream, cant talk. What the hell is wron gwith me I cant even speak why am I still here?
oh screw it, just forget about me.

[gayleggg]

I hear you. You sound severly depressed. Do they have you on any meds? Are you able to let anyone in and talk to them. If not we are always here to listen. We do care. I know it is hard to believe but we do, because in one way or another most of us have been there.

Right now I'm severly depressed too. I don't want to be here at work doing mudane things. I want to be in bed curled up and left alone. I'm not living I'm existing.

All this to say, we at PC do understand loneliness and pain and want to be here for you.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain.. we are all here for each other you are not annoying here, that's what this place is for, venting our frustrations, keep posting about it, it may help you to get it out of your system

[Sam2]

I'm afraid I have to agree that people tend not to pay attention to the pain behind the lie. The first time I attempted suicide, it took hours to stabalize me and I spent the night in the intensive care unit. The next morning, two shrinks came in and talked to me. I told them everything was fine, it was a mistake and I wasn't depressed. No questions asked. Too much trouble I guess. They said fine and sent me on my way.

Depression, anger and SI make people uncomfortable. They would rather not get into a discussion about it and its easier to ignore what is obviously under the smile. For the average person, its understandable. For therapists, its unforgivable. At least in my book.

Having been depressed, suicidal and SI for decades, I've come to the conclusion that its not death persay that is wanted. Just a release of the pain and isolation. There are times when living seems like too much trouble. You never know what is around the corner though. Finding the right therapist and possibly the right medication might go a long way in helping you figure out why you feel the way you do. No one wants to feel that bad, and its hard to keep going when every step seems to take all the energy you have. Things will change. They may never be wonderful, but the feelings change and the anger isn't so sharp as time goes on. You learn to deal with people's reactions or lack there of.

Don't give up on yourself. The fact that you are in treatment says that someone cares. It may not feel like that now, but it would be easier for the problem to have been completely ignored. Someone noticed your pain or you wouldn't be where you are.

Sam2

[Sadley]

I don't have much to say other than I read your post. I don't know how you even smile, I can't do that. I don't even try to fake anything, everyone knows there is something wrong with me.

[Michaela Wilson]

You aren't stupid or selfish, and this is the place to vent! I know what it's like to fake it, and I can only do it for so long. Since the resources are available to you, take advantage of them. Talk in group therapy. Talk to a counselor. They can't help you if they don't know the truth.

Keep on posting. We are here for you!

[NemOthEgReaT]

Thank you. I am not on any meds right now and until I asked I wasn't even having therapy. I have my first meeting with one of the psychologists next week and I will try to make use of it. I know exactly what you mean Sam, about wanting to die more just to stop the pain than to stop life.

It's difficult to see the point of talking to staff at the hospital, I have been faking smiles for so long that they don't want to hear the truth anymore. I try though, as hard as I can, to let them in. I think it might be better though to carry on telling them I'm not depressed, just tired, and my eyes are red because of allergies, not tears. If I keep saying that then in February I will be discharged. Into a foster placement. New start, new life, and the chance to get somewhere. Once I'm out I can find q decent therapist, and hopefully recovery will be more in reach. I'm just scared that once I'm out my illness will make me do something stupid before I can start to get help.

Anyway. I hope all of you find the strength to carry on yourselves. If you can find just one thing that means something to you, or one thing that helps, use it. Doctors and therapists and stuff might think they have all the support you could need, but in reality its us who end up doing most of the work. Good luck and thanks for the help xxxxx

[SeekerOfLife]

I don't think you should pretend you are ok. How are you going to get the help you need if you are not honest about how much you are hurting. And that is what I see in your words--hurt. There is hope, but please open up and ask for help. I had to learn to ask for help, because I came to realize that I did not know how to help myself.
We care. Say what you need to say. Tell your medical people "I want help!"