So much going on, really need some support

I really need some help right now. I feel so lost. I can't get close to people. That it seems to me is the root of my depression and anxiety. Socializing is very difficult for me so it makes it hard with jobs. But I'm not bad at it, people say I'm a likeable person and I can carry conversations. But sometimes I am quite for really long periods of time. And I sit there thinking why do I never speak I'm bad at talking etc but then sometimes when I feel in the right mood I can just carry out conversations just fine and I realize that most of the times I just don't want to or something. I just get trapped in my head. Ah sometimes I just feel like I am just observing the world not actually in it. I can really isolate. I have a friend who is a very good one. He wants to be more than friends and I do like him. And we really get along and have a lot in common. In fact I was hoping for this but now that it's an opportunity I am avoiding it. I realize all the time that I actually don't want close relationships emotionally or physically anymore. I don't know why. I got out of my last relationship a good 2 year one because I just didn't want to see him anymore. I didn't want to be that close to anyone even though we were getting along. I remember when I was first in the relationship and for a while during it thinking wow this is just so much better than being single but now even when good opportunities come I just don't want it or maybe I do but I'm avoiding it I don't know. Most of the time I feel like I do want to find someone but then when it's actually there I'm like no I just don't want to be that close to anyone. It's been like this for a couple of years now and there was a period of time for about 6-7 years in the past that I hardly spoke to people and didn't really have any friends. As I look back on it, I had people who I could have hung out with but for whatever reason I just didn't. I don't know if it's fear of rejection or if I just really don't wanna be close to people. I feel depressed a lot and nothing seems to help it. I'm out of college (23) and have done some fun and good healing wholeistic jobs and tried therapy a little, exercise, meditation. I spend a lot of time in nature and that helps but as it is winter now I still go for hikes and stuff but in nature way less than I'm used it. it all helps some but no matter what a lot of it stays stagnant. i get suicidal thoughts a lot, but less than I used to and I am not currently in a place where that's a decision I'd be making but the thoughts still come in often. I've had them since I was 14 so it's just hard to feel like I don't really want to be alive a lot of the time. There's a lot more I'm dealing with. I've got this compulsive behavior that's destructive and smoke weed a lot. It usually seems to help me. I feel happier and less anxious and I talk to people more when I smoke. Please any advice or comment or something would be cool. I'm tired of feeling alone in this. i don't feel like my therapist is helping well I just don't trust her even though she seems good and all I just can't be comfortable around most people.

Weed... yep, maybe you've been judged on that.

Not really. Not by any of the counselors I've spoken to. Most of them seem to not think it's much of an issue. Do you know how many people in our country are daily smokers? lol. I'm not sure if you mean you are judging me. Not really sure what you meant by that quote but I was looking for support and direct communication. But I will share a little bit more because it is complicated. I grew up taking many many medications for adhd. I've taken at least 8 or 9 medications over a span of 8-10 years. Some anti depressants and medications such as adderall, focalin, strattera, vyvanse. These basically drug kids out. Especially if you are put on the doses I was put. I felt numb and like a zombie. I acted different. I'd feel nervous all the time and no one monitored it one bit. Most of the problems I've had with depression and anxiety stemmed from those drugs and the side effects. I didn't smoke weed at the time though. Not until I was older. Long term use of drugs like those have very strong links to depression. Of course you can't prove it 100 percent but the evidence is staggering. And if you think about it, when a drug is used everyday while the brain is developing and that drug is adding dopamine to the system, of course it's going to screw up the chemicals in the brain once you are an adult and stop taking it. You can't even join the army if you admit to taking stimulants before the age of 12 because they think that it may make people "chemically imbalanced". All the problems I'm dealing with started long before I smoked weed. The nervous, compulsive habit I have. It's kinda like a tick. It was caused by the medication focalin. It is listed as a side effect and started the same time I started taking it. When I took medications it was hard to talk to people and really affected my personality and social skills which is the stuff I was originally posting about. It seems it is the trigger for depression for me often. Weed's been pretty helpful with my anxiety. It's used medically for anxiety in many places in the world. You can believe it or not but everyone I know, even my family would admit that my anxiety has improved greatly once I started smoking. I've taken breaks from smoking for long periods of time to see if it changes anything but it doesn't. I use a vaporizing often so I'm not actually harming my body or lungs in the process. It doesn't affect any of this too much. But when I get to real dark places or start to feel an anxiety attack it really helps me. It's not a permanent solution but it's the best one I've got right now. That's why I'm seeking out advice.

I can only advise you on one thing: Stay clean for as long as you can. Don't give in to cravings.

Hey, Twister. I love this topic and I'm glad to share some thoughts with you on it. Maybe they'll help. But first...

I am a Marine...a combat veteran. I have horrible PTSD, as do a lot of my friends. A lot of those friends are daily pot smokers. It works great for them, helps them manage their symptoms. It only makes me more anxious, paranoid, and depressed. Like any other drug (including the anti-depressants and anti-psychotics that so many of the people on this site use) it works better for some than others. My guess is that there's probably a reason why your clinicians have never made an issue of it...and that's because it seems to work for you. Just make sure whoever is treating you knows about how much you're smoking so they can factor that into your treatment.

About connection: We have dual natures. It's part of the human condition. We have an innate need to feel a sense of complete connection to another human being...but the reality is that that connection can never really occur. There's an epistemological disconnect...a fancy way of saying you can never really get inside the head of somebody else and they can never really get inside yours. You're always separated, but always craving that impossible connection. Pretty ****ed up, right? It's a confusing thing to realize, but understanding it can make a huge difference in how you cope with those feelings. You might be trapped withing the prison cell of your own mind...but you can still approximate connection...like tapping out messages in morse code through the walls. You can still find kindred spirits in those other cells to help make it easier to bear the existential isolation that is a basic part of being human.

You are alone. We all are...but in a weird way, we can share that isolation and make it easier to bear. You just have to tap on the walls of your cell. Just like you did here. I heard you.

I, like you, have had suicidal ideations since I was young. Very young. I live with them. They're just part of my life. You said you don't trust your therapist. That's a problem. Maybe find a therapist you do trust or talk to the one you have about that issue...establishing trust. You need to be able to talk to them about the ideations so they know how to distinguish them from intent.

I get the exhaustion that comes with feeling alone. Keep tapping out messages. Even if you have to start with something like this...just writing. We're social animals and we get sick when we're isolated...no ********...Google it...research what isolation does to human beings. You gotta get those messages out. Hit me up if you need another one of these.

Peace.

to you. I am not in a good place myself at the moment but I have read your story and offer support. Might come back to this thread when I am in a better state of mind.