[smh825]

Hi everyone.

The past few days have been hell for me. Many things changed very suddenly and I have no idea how to cope. I've had depression and anxiety for years now and it has gotten worse over time. This past month has been an all time low for myself, with the past couple of days being the absolute worse I've felt in my life.

Long story short, my boyfriend of nearly 5 yrs decided to end our relationship. I'm crushed. I hurt so badly that I sometimes feel like I'm going to pass out. I have never felt this lost and confused about my life. I love him deeply and I feel like our relationship isn't over. I've spoken to him and he agrees that he still has all the feelings he did for me at the beginning. I don't doubt him. I know he loves me and cares for me. I would say that our relationship has been toxic for a while. I took many things out on my him and never sought treatment for my problems. I tried to turn him into something he wasn't. Now he's had a moment of clarity where he's realized he isn't happy with his life. The breakup isn't so much him not wanting to be with as it is him needing to find himself again. He has told me that by no means is he just dropping me. He will still visit me (and our pets) and we'll go out every now and then to catch up. I just started going to counseling and he wants me to keep him up to date with how I'm doing. Getting together and starting to date again isn't out of the question, it just seems like right now he needs space. He can't reassure me on whether we'll for sure get back together or how long it will take for him to get himself sorted out.

I'm a clingy person. I'm so scared right now that I just want to be with him. I've relied on him for almost 5yrs of my life to help me through problems. Now I can't do that. It's been a few days now and I can't go more than maybe an hour without crying. I can hardly stand to be in our bedroom because everything reminds me of him. I mean, I was just cleaning the kitchen and saw a pretzel kit we were supposed to make and it instantly brought back all of my pain even though this morning had been better than most.

I'm trying to console myself with the fact that he's still here for me a close friend. He cares for me and he loves me. He just needs some space to find himself. We spoke last night about all this because I needed clarification and I felt so much better last night. I fell asleep not happy but more comfortable with these new changes. I slept better last night than I have since all this happened. It just kills me that I woke up again feeling hopeless, scared and hurt. I wish there was something that could just take this away.

I know I'm not the only one dealing with something like this. I would love to hear any help on this subject, tips for coping, or even just kind words. I've had many traumatic events in my life and this is the first time I've felt completely helpless and terrified.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Smh825. Thank you for joining and posting.

This is not just the "normal" turbulence in the wake of a break-up. In addition to the relationship dimension, the crisis sits on top of years of depression and anxiety.

Counseling (and pets!) can be great, but you may need more support at present. Have you considered talking to a doctor or support line?

[oifsnafu]

Man...can I relate. Breakups under the influence of depression are...well, let me just say that I took a gunshot wound to the left knee when I was a Marine...the most physically painful, frightening, and traumatic experience of my life...and I would trade going through that pain every year for the rest of my life if it meant that I never had to deal with post-break up depression again (or honestly, depression at all...ever).

Definitely see about going on meds if you aren't already. You wouldn't refuse morphine for a gunshot wound because of a social stigma, so don't let social pressure keep you from getting meds that can help with that emotional pain. It's real and it's BRUTAL. I have US Government issued bad *** credentials, and I'm hereby endorsing getting help. Anyone who suggests that it makes you crazy/weak is an ignorant putz. They just don't understand the intensity of that pain.

Cast out lifelines. Get support from friends and family. This pain is going to take a while to resolve. Make sure you've got people to lean on while you ride this out.

Be careful about relying too much on your ex for support. I'm not sure why I'm even writing that, because I know that when I was in the immediate aftermath of my worst breakup, I wouldn't have been able to TAKE that advice. I was too close to the situation to recognize that continued contact with my ex was like picking at a wound...I never got any space to heal. It also took me a long time to recognize that, while it's so easy and so tempting to rely on somebody else for validation, it is also a guarantee of heartbreak.

My heart genuinely goes out to you. Rough road ahead. Rough, but do-able. You can ride this out. You just got to dig in deep and wait for the shelling to subside. You got this, sister. Just hold out.

I don't have much more words of wisdom, but I do get how you must be feeling. I've been in a relationship, and marriage for many years, and started to force myself to become more independent when it was impossible to contact the person I became so dependent on (my h), I relied on him for everything. NOT healthy. But being depressed can make us clingy and needy, and going through a breakup is heart wrenching when suffering with this.

The only thing I can think of, is to build up your own community of friends if you haven't, and try not to "pick at old wounds" as said above. I made the mistake of doing just that the last 4 months, and relying on someone who isn't sure what they want is not the answer. Its soooo hard, I'm sorry, I do feel the pain of it, when I remember I wake up alone too. It isn't always a bad thing, though, there are good things about having your own space, time to reflect on what you really want as well. I hope you have a few good girl friends and keep them close, and hopefully a therapist?

[Mercedes87]

Aww, I'm so sorry you are going through this. *hug* welcome to our little part of the world, most of us completely understand how you feel right now.

[LadyShadow]

I totally understand. I recently have gone through a break up and it was really hard for me at first. You are not alone in your feelings. I still talk to my ex every night on the phone and it comforts me. We didn't see each other that often but we spoke a lot on the phone. When I thought I lost talking to him every night, I was crushed. But he gave that back to me. Even though we aren't together anymore, I still have the comfort of him being there every night.

But I know deep in my heart that its over. He doesn't want to be with me. I have accepted that. Maybe one day you will come to the realization too.