Hello,

I just joined today hoping to get some help/advice with a few things happening in my life.

I have suffered from depression for many years now, and for the last 8-9 months I have been doing very well (no suicidal thoughts and was feeling okay). I was on medication but it wasn't helping anything, so I slowly took myself off it (have been off it for about 8 months). It's only now that I have started feeling down again.

I just feel worthless. I'm not motivated to do anything and feel like I cannot contribute to society. There is a void or lack of fulfillment that I cannot shake, and it has caused me some distress for many years.

I recently moved out of home, and I am living with my boyfriend (which was exciting to begin with), but I just feel unhappy. My boyfriend borrowed all of my savings to pay for his honors. I care about my partner a lot (which is why I gave him permission to borrow the money), but I feel that because I gave my money to him, I cannot help myself advance further into a career or study (not until I save up enough again). Since we have moved in together I have had to take responsibility for a lot of the house duties too which also makes me feel like it is all I'm good for. I have no purpose other than cleaning the house.

I would consider studying again, but I would like to study Korean translation which isn't offered in my state and moving isn't really an option. There are no online courses from what I can find either. The same applies for embalming courses and glass blowing, both of which I'm curious about. I have inquired about some of these, but to no avail.

I constantly question whether I would like to do these things too, because I rarely put in the effort, and have no feelings towards doing these things. I have lost all passion that I used to have and don't feel any excitement about anything. I just feel like I am trying to make myself passionate which isn't working. People tell me that I'm young and that something will come to me - but it has been three years, and I'm still faced with the same problems and uncertainties. Its frustrating.

I have a job and I enjoy working with my colleagues, but I feel like my position is the cause of some of my depression. I don't feel as if I am doing anything meaningful, and have been very irritable and restless (which is difficult when working with the public). I have been incredibly unhappy there for the last few months, but do not have many other options at the moment.

I want to be doing something to better myself, but just can't find the motivation or energy. I need some sort of change, I want to go away. I'm stuck in a rut, and this empty feeling that I have is taking me away from being present for others in my life.

I feel like I've already wasted 3 years of my life and have just been watching others get on with theirs. I don't know what to do. Sorry for the long post. Any guidance and support would be appreciated.

Regards,
bluegoat

[Altered Moment]

Welcome to PC. Read lots of posts and keep posting. you are not alone here. We can relate. Maybe try meds and therapy.

[hvert]

It sounds like you have some stuff going on that it would be normal to be bummed out about.

Have you talked with your boyfriend about a fairer division of cleaning duties? Perhaps a discussion about how you feel like you have limited your own circumstances by loaning him money towards his future is also worthwhile? Do you two have some sort of plan worked out where after he finishes his school, it's your turn?

Sometimes when I feel like I have no motivation, I try to summon up the energy to set myself up for changing the situation. I am not sure how to explain what I mean. Like, it only takes an hour or two to find an adult ed class and sign up for it... but it's really easy to spend days, weeks, months agonizing over which degree program to choose.

For me, it's been better to just sign up for any class I am halfway interested in. Instead of a full blown glass blowing program, maybe you could find a 3 month fusing course for hobbyists. The sense of accomplishment you get from finishing a course like this can be huge. It can turn a vicious cycle into a virtuous cycle that leads you to a clearer vision of your future and motivation to pursue those goals.

Sometimes it's best to just do *something*, even if you aren't sure what you really want to do. A little change can be really empowering and help with other motivational difficulties.

I have done that thing where I don't think my meds are not effective and weaned myself off them....big mistake. Perhaps you should go back on them and try a new one.

It's wonderful that you have a spark of wanting to try some new things....hold onto that knowledge that you do. And keep looking. Perhaps some kind of internship or apprenticeship will come up.

I also was in a job that didn't feed my soul. It made me an empty shell. You will find your niche. But even then, remember that you can try lots of things...

[NWgirl2013]

Sophie'smom is correct, you most likely need to get back on the meds that kept you in a more level & positive place.
I am guessing that all your hard work to save for your own future and betterment is bothering you too. It was kind of you to give it all to you BF but he must know that you are now feeling stuck. Can you talk to him about replenishing your account so you can do something for yourself? It was a loan not a gift right?

There is a website here in the states, yes, Oprah.com with good advice, good distractions and things like Dr Phil who has a "what do you really want?" game you can do to help yourself sort out what is the most important to you.

Sorry you are having this struggle right now. But to me, you sound very capable and able to focus on what is important.

I always try to imagine myself on a path; the past behind me, me partway toward the goal, still on the path, still working out the details to get where I am going, but always going forward, even if only a little sometimes.

Wishing you only the best as you work out your own details to find what you really want for your life.

Welcome to PC Bluegoat: PC is a great place to find both help & support. Remember, the more you post, & reply to others' posts, the more you'll get out of being here. Best wishes!

[dandylin]

Sounds like you need a trip back to your physician to get put back on meds. I know it's tempting to go off them when we feel like it's not making a difference.
I hope you are able to sort through these very real issues you are coping with. Welcome to the boards

Firstly I'd just like to thank everyone for responding to my post. I really appreciate it.

My boyfriend would never have asked for the money - he felt guilty having too, but his selection into honours came quite suddenly, and he had no other way of getting so much money. He was only allowed to borrow $2000 from the bank which luckily covered a bit more of the cost. And yes, @NWgirl2013, it was a loan. But due to the next few instalments of money he will have to pay, I'm not expecting large amounts to be returned just yet.

@hvert. We have briefly spoken about splitting chores, but I hate to ask because I understand that study is more important. I feel like I should be responsible for them because I'm not doing anything significant. I think it's ridiculous that it's bothering me, because it never used to. It must be the depressive mood.. I also have difficulties talking to people about things, so I think I will need to write my concerns down on some paper and show them to him.

I guess the other reason I wanted to come off my medication was because I put on a bit of weight (probably due to how lethargic the medication made me feel). This was also making me unhappy. I've finally changed my eating habits and have lost 4kg as of last week.
For me my depression is very situational. I prefer to be given coping strategies to manage my depression, because I feel that medication only dulls my senses. I find this difficult to explain. I can see how medication helps some people, but it just doesn't seem right for me.

@NWgirl2013, I will check out the sites you mentioned, too. Thank you.

@shophiesmom, just wondering, do you now have a job that feels a bit more worthwhile?

I will look into courses again, and see what is going at this time of the year. I hope that this is the encouragement that I needed to do something about my situation.

Thanks again, everyone.
Aimee

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[Altered Moment]

For me my depression is very situational. I prefer to be given coping strategies to manage my depression, because I feel that medication only dulls my senses. I find this difficult to explain. I can see how medication helps some people, but it just doesn't seem right for me.

Certainly understandable. Meds are a whole other issue in themselves.
There are alot of coping strategies you can learn. Check out the the section on these forums called "Other Treatments."
Diet and exercise
Supplements
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
Meditation
Mindfulness
Journaling
Support from familiy
Online support
Friends, I believe it is very important to have at least one person you can tell absolutely every thing to.
Lots of different types of therapies you can learn on your own.
See a therapist
Group therapy and support groups

That ought to get you started.

Thanks, zinco!

I already do some journaling, and I'm attempting to diet, but I'm thinking of starting some mindfulness again.

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