[shamon86]

And I am a completely horrible person. All I want to do is talk about me and how I feel like life isn't worth living. I feel like I need her to realize that I'm not as okay as she thinks I am. I have nothing and nobody to live for and I'm so tired. But even if I would tell her how I'm really feeling it's not going to change anything anyway. She can't fix it. I feel like I'm an inconvenience to her. She's the only person that I've ever been able to talk to about my depression because she had been thru it herself. But she's happy now she's got a husband and a son. I can't just come around with my unhappiness and let out all my feelings.
Again even if I do talk about it, it's not gonna fix the way I feel. It seems nothing is going fix it.
My T says that if I only think that my life is going useless and I'll never be happy then that's all that it will be. Honestly, I could become active and loose 20 lbs. and try to make myself look pretty and sign up for every dating site and hope that maybe someone finds me the slightest bit attractive but that doesn't mean that my life is going to get better. In fact other peoples past experiences and my own tell me that I can do everything right and still end up with the short straw. Life isn't just what you make it, I believe there are things like fate that come into play that I have no control over. So why work hard if nothing's going to change? Why keep living if nothings going to change?

Hi Shamon86. I know what you mean. I told a friend once how I felt about something, since this guy also went through something similar before. He began avoiding me and I immediately realized that it was because he didn't want to hear me talk about depressing things. I can't talk about myself in a face to face setting (forums on the web are different) because I feel narcissistic, as if I'm trying to steal somebody else's time and center attention on myself. Because of this, I never open up to people I know and I have no friends. I would not recommend online dating. I tried it and never got replies. Some girls even deleted their profile when I sent them a message. I think I look like a monster on my photo or something. I'm also overweight, I just love eating - it's the only thing that makes me happy.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by shamon86

All I want to do is talk about me and how I feel like life isn't worth living.

One Opinion: You still have the desire to talk about your depression. You still have the power to verbalize despairing questions. Those in themselves are their own kind of positive signs.

You want to spare your happy friend your depressed feelings. That reflects well on you as a decent person no matter how you feel about yourself.

Something is keeping you going despite everything. Can you identify it?

[Clara22]

Hi,
Thanks a lot for your mature reflection. Please, allow me not commenting on your attitude towards your friend but the part you talked about yourself, dating, etc. hope you do not mind.

It is true that just "external" changes do not help much if they are not paired with more profound modifications. Mostly considering we are talking here from the point of view of a woman who needs to make an effort ( perhaps a lot of effort) to be 'likeable"'or "dateable", as fashion dictates. A pretty oppressive situation, unfair and unjust, in my opinion. A sign of the futility of our society, sometimes i think we have not evolved much and that we are much closer to Neardenthals than we think.

As a woman i too have felt that sadness and that fear ( sadness and fear that ultimately entail we may not be able to fullfill the society mandate about being a wife and a mother because we are bad, or too ugly, or fat or whatever, and that we will never be OK, and that, horror of horrors, we will never be married or have kids, ever.) Perhaps it is not your case but, to me, that sadness comes partially from our society, from the oppression we suffer as women. To me, it should be an invitation to emancipation more than to prozac. And i am saying this acknowledging that wanting to have a husband and children is perfectly fine and a human thing to do. However, there are more things to want in this world, hope you can experience some of them.

BUT anyway, having said all that above, also, in my experience, sometimes, activities for "external changes" such as exercising more and eating better, are good intrinsically and could bring additional benefits FOR YOU.

My depression gets better when i eat better, get better sleep time, and exercise more, mostly when i do it for myself consciouslly. I do not know how it works for you, but for me, the possibility of improving dating never worked as a carrot, on the contrary, eventually worked as a deppressor. Efforts that worked were those towards improving myself, my selfesteem, for the sake to be better or engagements with things i believed in or made me happier ( such as volunteering).
But, again, this is just me.
Ok, thank you again for your insightful post and good luck with everything

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by shamon86

Honestly, I could become active and loose 20 lbs. and try to make myself look pretty and sign up for every dating site and hope that maybe someone finds me the slightest bit attractive but that doesn't mean that my life is going to get better.

This is spot on!! You're are correct, right there! You could lose the weight, have an ideal on-line profile, and still...those sites, aren't everything that it would seem that they would be.

And, even in real life, doesn't mean that they come flocking out of the woodwork, just because you find acceptance of your physical self.

Fate/Destiny, now there's something to look at. So, um, while you are waiting around, to see what fate has in store for you, how else, can you adjust your life, to find peace and contentment in it, while you ride out this thing we call life?

[feddy]

I'm new (again) to this site and I know we haven't chatted before but I wanted to give you some perspective as a soon to be mother and someone who is and has been depressed. It must be very difficult for you to see your bff so happy and involved with a new little life. Especially if it's her first child, I can understand why she may be a little less focused on you right now. That said, if she's really your bff, she'll be there for you unconditionally if you need her and won't hold it against you or make you feel bad for stealing her thunder. She'll also understand how badly you may want these same things for yourself (marriage and kids) and see it not as jealousy, but something to help support you with and through.

I am almost 7 months pregnant and very depressed but I also spent the last few months supporting another friend who was also pregnant and more depressed than me. She had her baby last week and is doing better. Despite how I was feeling (depressed, anxious, excited for my own baby) my priority was helping her through her depression and anxiety and trying to keep her grounded and be someone she could talk to. It's NOT easy to listen to someone who is depressed. Depressed people are hard to be around. Sometimes we suck. It's because we're depressed and it's not our fault. True friends understand that.

In terms of your own life, I think your therapist is right and mine gave me similar advice when I was really down. If you think your life is useless and you'll always be down, it will influence how you feel about everything. It's really, really, really hard to change these perceptions. I know, I've been there. My pdoc called it being a freak - i.e. hiding out, removing myself from society, becoming a recluse and believing that this was a good way to live. I didn't change that right away, it took many years and a lot of time. Our therapists say these kinds of things to influence us to see a different perspective.

I also agree that sometimes it does feel like we keep getting the short straw. In my case, I spent three years fighting for my recovery so that I could become a mom, only to find myself falling back into blackness during (because of?) my pregnancy. Things that seem so easy for everyone else can be very hard for us when we have a chemical imbalance. It sucks but part of recovery is learning how to approach this differently.

I hope this helps a bit...I'm sure your bff still loves you very much.