[adultnecropuma]

Screw it. Everyday every morning every waking moment is the same blank minded stare. Only things that ever pass through my mind when i'm trying to do something positive are negative thoughts. I literally feel and act worse after achieving something that most people would feel good about. I have become intolerable to the people around me. Anti depressants are not working. And though I've only tried two, not even reaching the 3-4 week period on this one, I literally just want to check out.

I can't see **** getting better. Everyday its the same thing with me. "Theres something wrong with me theres something wrong with me" wah wah. Im pathetic and bring down the people around me with my **** attitude. I don't know WHAT is wrong with me. Some days I'm like yeah yeah this is totally dissociation. Im experiencing this distance from reality and feel like I don't know who I am when I look in the mirror (identity crisis). Another day i'm like pff what's wrong with me? Nothing. Just stop thinking somethings wrong with you. Its all in your head.

Its up and down up and down. Bipolar. Depressed. Anxiety. Worry. Doubt. Fear. Loss of love for any and everyone and thing. Confusion. Mania. What else. Negativity. Loss of hope. Absent mindedness.

These are the things I experience on a day to day basis. No love. No laughter (genuine laughter, I fake about everything). No peace. No content feeling you get being around someone you love and everything just feels a okay for the short moment.

I trip just watching television with my mom. I can't even sit down and eat any meals with my family because of how withdrawn and awkward I am. I don't even eat in front of people.

Life is just hell. If it weren't something serious or pathologic god should have done something by now. Instead, I stay completely alone, and talk to myself, pretending i'm praying to god and things will just magically feel better when I wake up in the morning.

The only good thing in my life right now is my little dog who's been a companion through all of this with me. It's the only connection I feel to ANYTHING. And that just makes me feel even weirder and crazier and like a schizophrenic that I can only connect to a dog.

Seriously thinking about checking out

[Iamwho]

Dogs are good, people can be over rated. Everything comes and goes. Please try to love what you have.

[adultnecropuma]

Originally Posted by Iamwho

Dogs are good, people can be over rated. Everything comes and goes. Please try to love what you have.

i'm incapable of love. its a curse

[Iamwho]

That's Okay

[adultnecropuma]

Originally Posted by Iamwho

That's Okay

it's not okay if I once was in love. with life. and all the people in my life. that kind of loss can drive a person insane and into questioning

[StarStrike]

People are overrated. I talk to my dog all of the time and consider her to be my best friend. I'm not going to lie because I don't see how lying solves anything. I cannot tell you what the answer to your problems are. But when I tell people I've had enough and start listing out all of the reasons why, they tell me it gets better in time. So, I'm offering that same advice to you. I don't know if it is correct, but I cannot think of anything else to say. It gets better in time.

[socialcancer]

There is a fine line that separates sanity from hysteria. Sometimes you feel like you are going to burst. Right now the only thing roping you in seems to be writing and your dog. If you get to the point this depression becomes too much, don't hesitate get yourself to a hospital for help. Being in there can give you a life high because they spend five days focused on you. You will get a diagnosis as well as a new regiment of medications. They feed you three square meals day, and have a variety of groups to attend.

Aside from that. Depression is exhausting. If you can find one thing to lift your mood you can do daily. This will give you something to look forward to. It will be extremely uplifting to add a new emotionally sound ritual to your day. Once you have that down try to find another.


This is my 2 cents, I hope it can give you some guidance.
-good luck

Originally Posted by adultnecropuma

Screw it. Everyday every morning every waking moment is the same blank minded stare. Only things that ever pass through my mind when i'm trying to do something positive are negative thoughts. I literally feel and act worse after achieving something that most people would feel good about. I have become intolerable to the people around me. Anti depressants are not working. And though I've only tried two, not even reaching the 3-4 week period on this one, I literally just want to check out.

I can't see **** getting better. Everyday its the same thing with me. "Theres something wrong with me theres something wrong with me" wah wah. Im pathetic and bring down the people around me with my **** attitude. I don't know WHAT is wrong with me. Some days I'm like yeah yeah this is totally dissociation. Im experiencing this distance from reality and feel like I don't know who I am when I look in the mirror (identity crisis). Another day i'm like pff what's wrong with me? Nothing. Just stop thinking somethings wrong with you. Its all in your head.

Its up and down up and down. Bipolar. Depressed. Anxiety. Worry. Doubt. Fear. Loss of love for any and everyone and thing. Confusion. Mania. What else. Negativity. Loss of hope. Absent mindedness.

These are the things I experience on a day to day basis. No love. No laughter (genuine laughter, I fake about everything). No peace. No content feeling you get being around someone you love and everything just feels a okay for the short moment.

I trip just watching television with my mom. I can't even sit down and eat any meals with my family because of how withdrawn and awkward I am. I don't even eat in front of people.

Life is just hell. If it weren't something serious or pathologic god should have done something by now. Instead, I stay completely alone, and talk to myself, pretending i'm praying to god and things will just magically feel better when I wake up in the morning.

The only good thing in my life right now is my little dog who's been a companion through all of this with me. It's the only connection I feel to ANYTHING. And that just makes me feel even weirder and crazier and like a schizophrenic that I can only connect to a dog.

Seriously thinking about checking out

I'm so sorry to read of your despair, adultnecropuma. Climbing up out of such a deep crevice can be a monumental task. And the reality is that only you can decide whether or not it is worth the struggle.

You mention antidepressants. I've been on quite a few. The only one that was of any benefit at all was Cymbalta which is what I'm on now. It's not a miracle cure, but it helps. It can take a while to find the right one. We all have heard that SSRI's can cause serious problems in children. But I have had some experiences which have convinced me that the same can be true for adults. Under any circumstances, it takes time for them to work.

I hope that the antidepressants you've tried have been prescribed by a psychiatrist, not a family doctor. Also, you don't mention anything about seeing a therapist. If you're not, it's important that you do. My experience tells me that SSRI's alone can't be a cure. You need to talk this through with someone you can trust. Here again, you may have to try a few therapists before you find someone you can relate to. And, if you're really in danger, perhaps you might consider being in the hospital for a while; at least until you're safe. I've been there. It's okay.

Does this all sound like something akin to climbing Mt. Everest with the flu? It is. But you can do it. Somewhere within your memory is a light... a memory of what it was like before all of this came down on you. Search out this light and climb toward it. Don't worry about how far away it may seem or how hard the climb may be. Just take one step & then another. Continue to find support here on PC as you go. There's lots of it here.

I hope you can find the strength within you to take that first step. Tell someone in your life whom you trust what's happening and ask them for help. Let them be your Sherpa. No one climbs Mt. Everest without one...

[nbritton]

Originally Posted by Iamwho

Dogs are good, people can be over rated. Everything comes and goes. Please try to love what you have.

Old Drum: Burden v. Hornsby

"Gentlemen of the jury: The best friend a man has in this world may turn against him and become his enemy. His son or daughter that he has reared with loving care may prove ungrateful. Those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and our good name, may become traitors to their faith. The money that a man has, he may lose. It flies away from him, perhaps when he needs it the most. A man's reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of ill-considered action. The people who are prone to fall on their knees to do us honor when success is with us may be the first to throw the stone of malice when failure settles its cloud upon our heads. The one absolutely unselfish friend that a man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him and the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous is his dog.

Gentlemen of the jury: A man's dog stands by him in prosperity and in poverty, in health and in sickness. He will sleep on the cold ground, where the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only he may be near his master's side. He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer, he will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounters with the roughness of the world. He guards the sleep of his pauper master as if he were a prince. When all other friends desert, he remains. When riches take wings and reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as the sun in its journey through the heavens.

If fortune drives the master forth an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful dog asks no higher privilege than that of accompanying him to guard against danger, to fight against his enemies, and when the last scene of all comes, and death takes the master in its embrace and his body is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other friends pursue their way, there by his graveside will the noble dog be found, his head between his paws, his eyes sad but open in alert watchfulness, faithful and true even to death."

I love my hound.

[waggiedog]

Hay, if it helps in any way - - I feel exactly the same. I only live for my doggie, without a doubt. Hate everything about so called life, I'm old, I'm fat and I'm unwanted.................................so my doggie is all I live for now. HUGZZ. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[adultnecropuma]

Originally Posted by socialcancer

There is a fine line that separates sanity from hysteria. Sometimes you feel like you are going to burst. Right now the only thing roping you in seems to be writing and your dog. If you get to the point this depression becomes too much, don't hesitate get yourself to a hospital for help. Being in there can give you a life high because they spend five days focused on you. You will get a diagnosis as well as a new regiment of medications. They feed you three square meals day, and have a variety of groups to attend.

Aside from that. Depression is exhausting. If you can find one thing to lift your mood you can do daily. This will give you something to look forward to. It will be extremely uplifting to add a new emotionally sound ritual to your day. Once you have that down try to find another.


This is my 2 cents, I hope it can give you some guidance.
-good luck

I just spent quite a while explaining myself to submit the reply and lose it all due to the automatic logging out from inactivity.

So here I go again.

I spent time in a hospital. I sat in a room filled with doctors and my family, who were in disbelief. I sat there and listened to the head doctor tell my family everything I had told him. Which was everything I was telling my family. It's almost as if I had the scheme all along of landing myself exactly where I was at.

Even in a state hospital; I felt indifferent, apart from, and more misunderstood than anyone in there.

Which didn't make any sense because I looked like nothing was wrong with me. I was the youngest person in there. I can say, I was the healthiest person in there and the most physically fit. But I was saying to these doctors, "there's something wrong with me. there's something wrong with me.".

I was the only person who stayed in there room all day. I had to be reminded, told twice, that it was lunch time or dinner time. I hesitated each time I decided to go anywhere other than my room. Anywhere I would encounter another human being. I hesitated going to the meetings in there. I managed to go and sit through one. Actually two. The first, I didn't say a word. I'm sure everyone was thinking, "what is this kid doin in here?".

As I said I waited for the days to go by. I waited for someone, anyone, to come to me, and ask me what was wrong. There was this chick that yelled out when it was time to take our medication. She'd yell out, "meds! med time! mmedd tiimee!". She'd yell it out almost in a condescending tone. You could hear in her voice that she felt above and superior to everyone.

I'd walk out into that cold hallway like a zombie. I'd take the very back of the line thinking I wouldn't have to exist. I felt like a committed sedated experiment.

I managed to get out as quick as I got in. Not a thing had changed. The same things started to happen as soon as I got home. I'd lock myself in my room. I'd scurry any chance no one was around and grab any and all food I could thinking, "I need to grab everything I can so I don't have to come out tonight.". I'd stuff my face while mindlessly watching internet videos for hours. As I said in the original post, absent-mindedness. I'd do that an entire day if no one bothered me. I wasted over a year of my life that I have no memory of and no recollection of because of the way I was living. It's all just a blur.

My father would get up in the mornings for work and i'd cringe at the sound of him walking by my room. I'd sometimes put headphones in or listen to anything so I didn't have to hear it. I thought If I wasn't listening to him i'd have a better chance of him not bothering me before he left. Thus giving me another day to eat myself into a coma and veg out in my room. Where i'd remain until my father came home and would explode in anger. Then i'd say to myself, "time to suck todays ****". And go and scrub something or do whatever it was he'd have me do. I felt like an imbecile. I felt like a slave. I talked to NO ONE. It wouldn't take long before i'd drop what I was doing and bail out back into my room where it would all start over again.

I know this long and it feels weird trying to write it again as well as I did the first time, but I need to explain this.

Today I limit myself to what I eat. Eating at "normal" hours. I'll have a cup of orange in the morning. A can of tuna for lunch. Trying to reenact a normal lifestyle.

I'm so pissed off right now because I had to rewrite this. I felt my first time writing it got the message across so much better. Now I just feel like I don't know what i'm doing.

Anyways, I could fall right back into that exact same destructive lifestyle if I were to just eat more than I had planned or simulate any of that behavior. I'm so pissed off right now. **** life man seriously. I can't wait to die

[socialcancer]

Originally Posted by adultnecropuma

I just spent quite a while explaining myself to submit the reply and lose it all due to the automatic logging out from inactivity.

So here I go again.

I spent time in a hospital. I sat in a room filled with doctors and my family, who were in disbelief. I sat there and listened to the head doctor tell my family everything I had told him. Which was everything I was telling my family. It's almost as if I had the scheme all along of landing myself exactly where I was at.

Even in a state hospital; I felt indifferent, apart from, and more misunderstood than anyone in there.

Which didn't make any sense because I looked like nothing was wrong with me. I was the youngest person in there. I can say, I was the healthiest person in there and the most physically fit. But I was saying to these doctors, "there's something wrong with me. there's something wrong with me.".

I was the only person who stayed in there room all day. I had to be reminded, told twice, that it was lunch time or dinner time. I hesitated each time I decided to go anywhere other than my room. Anywhere I would encounter another human being. I hesitated going to the meetings in there. I managed to go and sit through one. Actually two. The first, I didn't say a word. I'm sure everyone was thinking, "what is this kid doin in here?".

As I said I waited for the days to go by. I waited for someone, anyone, to come to me, and ask me what was wrong. There was this chick that yelled out when it was time to take our medication. She'd yell out, "meds! med time! mmedd tiimee!". She'd yell it out almost in a condescending tone. You could hear in her voice that she felt above and superior to everyone.

I'd walk out into that cold hallway like a zombie. I'd take the very back of the line thinking I wouldn't have to exist. I felt like a committed sedated experiment.

I managed to get out as quick as I got in. Not a thing had changed. The same things started to happen as soon as I got home. I'd lock myself in my room. I'd scurry any chance no one was around and grab any and all food I could thinking, "I need to grab everything I can so I don't have to come out tonight.". I'd stuff my face while mindlessly watching internet videos for hours. As I said in the original post, absent-mindedness. I'd do that an entire day if no one bothered me. I wasted over a year of my life that I have no memory of and no recollection of because of the way I was living. It's all just a blur.

My father would get up in the mornings for work and i'd cringe at the sound of him walking by my room. I'd sometimes put headphones in or listen to anything so I didn't have to hear it. I thought If I wasn't listening to him i'd have a better chance of him not bothering me before he left. Thus giving me another day to eat myself into a coma and veg out in my room. Where i'd remain until my father came home and would explode in anger. Then i'd say to myself, "time to suck todays ****". And go and scrub something or do whatever it was he'd have me do. I felt like an imbecile. I felt like a slave. I talked to NO ONE. It wouldn't take long before i'd drop what I was doing and bail out back into my room where it would all start over again.

I know this long and it feels weird trying to write it again as well as I did the first time, but I need to explain this.

Today I limit myself to what I eat. Eating at "normal" hours. I'll have a cup of orange in the morning. A can of tuna for lunch. Trying to reenact a normal lifestyle.

I'm so pissed off right now because I had to rewrite this. I felt my first time writing it got the message across so much better. Now I just feel like I don't know what i'm doing.

Anyways, I could fall right back into that exact same destructive lifestyle if I were to just eat more than I had planned or simulate any of that behavior. I'm so pissed off right now. **** life man seriously. I can't wait to die

Well maybe an idea is to get into a hospital that has positive reviews. Drive to that hospital and admit yourself. This is assuming that your insurance would cover it. I think it would be good to explore your options. Rumor is the hospitals in Indiana are quite good.

I figured i was wasting my time when i suggested this, but it is always a last resort. I thought on the off chance you were afraid it is viable they feed you and you get new meds. Sorry for assuming, and it gives me pain you had such a negative experience in those environments.

[adultnecropuma]

Originally Posted by socialcancer

Well maybe an idea is to get into a hospital that has positive reviews. Drive to that hospital and admit yourself. This is assuming that your insurance would cover it. I think it would be good to explore your options. Rumor is the hospitals in Indiana are quite good.

I figured i was wasting my time when i suggested this, but it is always a last resort. I thought on the off chance you were afraid it is viable they feed you and you get new meds. Sorry for assuming, and it gives me pain you had such a negative experience in those environments.

Don't be sorry, i'm the one who's sorry. I don't know, i'm just such a pessimist. Even when things are going for me

[adultnecropuma]

I think I've just grown dumb from all the isolation.

[suncheer]

Be strong buddy, you can do it. Realize that we're all here rooting for you. And realize that there are other people out there, including your family, that are rooting for you as well.

[adultnecropuma]

Originally Posted by suncheer

Be strong buddy, you can do it. Realize that we're all here rooting for you. And realize that there are other people out there, including your family, that are rooting for you as well.

Thank you. At this pt there's no other option. What am I gonna do. Live with my mother forever? I need to make things happen and worry about how I feel later. I guess a good conscious is something you cultivate. It's hard to feel good right now because of the circumstance I created. Thank you