WHY?!

((((((((((((((( Canders7 ))))))))))))))))

Listen to LMo... she's a smart woman!!! You stop beating yourself up like this...! You're a special person with a big heart! You've managed school really good so far... so of course you'll do fine! You're not the one giving up... although you feel like doing it. Go, Christina! Go, Christina!

(((((((Nina)))))))))

Thanks.

I either am self-destructive or just plain stupid.

My mood is worse. I got to see my T which was alll good - but at the same time it wasn't really beneficial. (Sigh)

Apparently it is the impression of some of my friends that I am being moody and depressive just to get attention. I resent it but there's really nothing to be done. I can't just "fix" how I feel ... can I?

The rest of them just want me to "smile" and think that will just make me feel better. It makes me feel worse. They don't want to know about how I really feel.

So I'm currently not in a good mood or mindframe and it really sucks.

I hate life.

Hmmm smiling does help, but it isn't easy to realize the good results. I'm sorry your friends seem to just want you to make it nicer for them to be around you, rather than fully realizing how miserable you feel.

I think you had a good session,but your depression is countering everything. Try not to think about the session, but keep the memory that it was a good session. (That way your mind can't offer counters to what you remember.)

Please visit the cognitive distortions list at the top of the Psychotherapy Forum... changing how we think and respond to times like these can only help us.

((((huggles)))

I just remembered the session. Not good.

I'm a pest. Poor T thought he did me a disservice. Not his fault I'm an idiot and stubborn.

Maybe looking at my cognitive distortions is a task to take on when I'm in a better mood - but I'll try.

Thanks Sky.

Canders,

Is your first exam Sociology?

If it is any comfort, I am ready to be done with school too right now. I was initially thinking I had another week off, and then it hit me like a freight train, class starts up again this coming Thursday! Ugh!!!

Hugs,

EJ

EJ

Hi EJ - Yes, it is in sociology. I heard some not so nice things about the exam on Friday which freaked me out further than I was previously anxious.

That kinda really sucks.

thanks for the reply

Nothing to do with anything but something hit me tonight and something happened and my mood went down further...

Spiralling down down down ...

Hit rock bottom.

And then dig some more.

How pathetic.

Canders,

I just think holidays are so hard, and can bring out some buried feelings, we didn't even consciously know we were carrying around.

((((((((((((((((Canders))))))))))))))))))))

EJ

Hi (((((((((EJ)))))))))))

You're right that has happened to me.

Unfortunately this time it has to do with a boy (sigh) and my brain running away and making me miserable. Say more when I'm feeling less mopey.

FIRST = I know I'm whining and complaining about something here that many would probably say is just a normal day-to-day experience. It isn't, not for me.

Okay so this could go here or it could go in Relationships but since it's mostly about me being miserable I guess it will go here instead.

Met a nice guy on the bus. (Last night, hence my crummy mood then)

He willingly initiated conversation with me.

He was cute. He was smart.

And he clearly cared about people and wanted a job where he helped people.

I learned so much.

Except his name.

D'oh. (not that that is entirely relevant to anything, but usually it is the first thing I ask from a person who's not strange or odd and appears to be sane and nice)

And my brain started rationalizing why he talked to me after I had to get off the bus.

It said: He was drunk, he was hopped up on drugs, he was insane - he didn't want to talk to me. I'm not a nice person, he talked to me out of pity.

Which then escalated to I'm a bad person, why would he talk to me. I'm never going to find a nice guy. I'm never going to go out on a date. I'm never going to be in a relationship. I'm never going to be happy. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve anything.

See how my thoughts can get out hand? I started out happy, really happy and then it ends up with me being a sobbing mess - in the span of about 20 minutes.

I hate my life. I hate my brain for doing this to me. Why does it have to go and ruin everything?!?! (Okay, I'm blaming my brain when it is in fact my fault for letting me make myself miserable.



PS. And my friends were there too, and thought he knew me and that he was flirting or something. (sigh) Meet all sorts of people in strange circumstances don't you?

I also tend to over-analyze everything (often in a negative way). Don't be too hard on yourself for doing it. I tend to yell in my head: "stop!!!" and just stop listening to my thoughts, if that makes any sense. Often works in a weird kind of way. I just started dating someone and am also super insecure - every time a day goes by in which he hasn't called - it suddenly goes to: "he doesn't really like me," but I try to block out these thoughts. Sometimes we're negative because of critical messages we received in childhood from our parents (my case, definately). Have you talked about this in therapy?

Have sort-of started talking about it. It's really difficult though.

Thanks ((((((((ouch))))))))) I'm going to try your approach to things the next time something happens (although recognizing that I did do it was something horribly atypical of me).

Canders, my degree is in sociology, piece of cake :-) It's all common sense which you have in spades. What are you having trouble with, can I help?

Thanks ((((((((Perna)))))))))

Right now it's just all over my head but since I've yet to do any real studying I don't have any questions. Raincheck to PM you if I have any?

PM's great. I'm getting my second BA in history at the moment (what my first should have been in 30 years ago but I changed majors in my senior year!). I get very confused and discombobulate trying to study sometimes, too much to read, too many sources, kind of messy/disorganized.

Here's how I study:

Nice view and atmosphere.

I'm disorganized mostly - my desk is disasterous to the point where I don't think I CAN study on it because it's so messy.

sociology When I took this they gave a lot of answers. The problem I have with that is I went through all of this while growing up. It is funny that I had exoerince with this time and dates. They had differeent answers. so I wonder if through this I was too high at this time. LOL

(((((ster))))))

hehe!

Everyone has different answers to the same questions - I have found that. (Majorly confusing)

Please please please stop screaming and arguing and all the negativity... I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with it.

*wishes she could scream at people*

And no, this isn't directed at any of you - this is some people from my university making me really really upset and cranky.

im sorry you are going through this, i wish i knew about this before, i would have tried to help. so firstly, sorry for that.

what has started making you beat yourself up so much, this isnt you! the christina i know is strong and i am so sure she isnt far away right now. you are in a pit at the moment, we occasional fall into them. we do learn to drag ourselves out one way or another, the main thing we need to remember is to consistently do positive things, even if its for half an hour a day or so. do something that makes you happy, makes you have a smile on your face. even if its watching a cartoon, it doesnt have to be anything big, just as long as you have a healthy, happy distraction every so often.

it seems to me that the stresses of universaty are taking their toll on you and that is dragging you down so much. so just hang on in there until term ends. you are doing great so far canders, so keep up the hard work. and as for the exams. if it wa sme i would stop worrying about them and accept them for what they turn out to be. theres no use in worrying about them, worrying isnt effective. just do as much studying as you feel comfortable with doing, it doesnt have to be alot, but as long as it is something. and if you fail them, well theres always next year, or the year after. there is no law that says you have to pass this year. you are still so young, you have a lifetime ahead of you to do these exams properly. your mental health is a whole lot more important that any exam in the world. concentrate on being happy first, then everything else in life will fall into place, including your studies.

i remember when i was at the place you are now, mentally i mean, and i remember i used to think everything was my fault, even things were my fault that couldnt possibly be my fault, like being born! everything was my fault, and i wouldnt accept anything else.it does tie you down so much.

you are here on earth for a reason canders, and i am so sure i know what it is...you are a fantastic person with such a kind, warm caring heart. you hold alot of love and care for others, it isnt hard to see that. you are truly appreciated here at PC and so many of us care about you, just look at the lenght of this post lol! its entirely natural and understandable to be in the place you are in right now, but it will pass. once the stress of exams are over you will feel a large weight being lifted from your shoulders, trust me i know. you can then concentrate on yourself and on getting better.

depression is a chemical imballance in the brain, therefore it is not your fault at all, not even 1%. we cannot control these chemicals, nor can be stop them in an instant, god only knows ive tried. i tried everything i could think when i was there, i even nearly commited suicide. luckily i didnt and i decided to fight it. but i had to surrender to it first to do so which is what i did by nearly commitng suicide. im not for one second advising you try at all, i only got as far as holding the tablets, i didnt actually take them. all i am saying is for you to accept that these feelings you have arent your fault and just embrace them. you are such a strong person, thats why you havent SI'd yet, nor have you attempted suicide. you wont allow any harm to come to yourself. you have so much strength that you dont see yet, but i see it. and so do others here. ask anyone!

i will tell you EXACTLY why that bloke ont he bus spoke to you. because he sat there and thought "wow, i like her, i want to get to know her", which he did. he sat there looking at you thinking how special you are, he realised the true, kind perosn you are, he didnt pity you, nothing like that. you are a great person,a nd he was obviously the type of person to see that. you will find the right guy one day, who will give you so much love, all the love you deserve (LOADS!!) and who you will love dearly too. and you will ahve a nice loving family with you too. you will have a good career where you are happy, i just know it.

sorry for going on abit, but i really felt your pain when i was reading your posts. i can see you are in a lot of agony. i just wish there was more i could do for you. the only thing i can offer is my never ending support. i am the other end of a pm anytime you need me ok, just shout my name and i will be there.

the pain will pass, i promise. look at me, it did for me because i accepted the pain as it was and just thought "i am better than this, however much i hate myself, i am better, and i will defeat this", and look at me, i did. it wasnt easy but i got there. its the same for others here at PC too, we have all been faced with such a hard hard journey on such a rocky, rough road, many of us have/had no support, but we manage because we are all good people who have the strength to overcome this.

maybe you could go to your Dr. and ask for anti depressants, or if you are already on some, go and speak to him and tell him they dont help. and keep up the therapy. one session alone wont make a change, its many over a long space of time that do the trick. just stick at it.

take care of yourself and remember what i said, i am here for you. so many of us are. you are certainly not alone and remember - "a problem shared is a problme halved". now imagine that over many people.

speak soon

simon

Thanks very much Simon - you're too nice to me.