I'm done with this.

I need to blackout for a bit. I took some legal high pills the other day that made me black out for a day or so. I need that now. I just need to work out how much to take.

This isn't a suicidal thing, just a way of detaching. Distancing. Trying to get through until the point I want to get to.

No one will help you in this world. People only help people when it benefits themselves. I am on my own.

Hey LillyJones--

I hope the fact that you're writing here is a sign that you're not done with all of this.

What kind of help would you want if you had the people or groups to help you?

I don't even know you, but I worry about you taking pills that make you black out for a day.

thoughtfully--
bookmadness

Hi Lilly, there's nothing wrong with wanting to detach/distance at times. After all you can only take so much can't you? But even legal highs that make you black out for a day or two really don't sound that good.
Maybe push on some more "healthy" ways to detach/distance when you really need to (alongside working through whatever's going on for you??). Even if they don't last that long then maybe the more you get used to them the more they will work for you. Now different things may work differently for you so just some suggestions to throw in e.g. something really active, swimming, yoga, mindfulness techniques??
But you know...you're not on your own, and we're here to help if you want to talk about things.......
Alison

Hi,

I just came around, sorry for the late reply. The highs are just the only thing that comes close to how I want to feel at the moment... less... real.

I just to get through to June. I already feel horrific for asking for help in the first place. I've tried University counselling, that didn't help at all. My GP said he 'doesn't know what to suggest'. I've seen a psychiatrist twice, my next appointment is Monday. But I can't talk to him. I lock down, and freeze up. I just answer on auto. When I tried to explain why I wouldn't take prescription drugs, he just laughed at me. So now I feel really uncomfortable and ashamed in the meetings. The meetings never last longer then 10 minutes, max. I can't change psych's because I've tried before. People just say 'well, he's the best in the country' and brush it off.
I've tried, and its so hard to even admit that I tried to get help. But I did. It didn't work, it just made me feel worse.
So now I'm done.

NO (!) that is a really strong thing to do, reaching out/trying to get for help when you need it!! Total respect!!
GP's, well not all of them have as much knowledge in these areas which is why referrals to.........psychiatrist, psychologists, counselors, therapists......... and at least he admitted he couldn't suggest anything instead of coming up with something "off the wall".
Sounds like your psychiatrist isn't "the best in the country" though. Although I'd say you've no reason at all to be uncomfortable/ashamed in meetings for turning down medication. If he doesn't "get" why then that's his problem not yours and now (and make it clear to him if you need to) it's his job to give you help regardless. Your decision doesn't have to make sense to him for him to try to help you as long as it makes sense to you.
That said......you know......medication may be something that might help you be in the position to more easily manage what's going on for you.........and with the right medication you can still be able to be "yourself" which is maybe something you're having difficulties holding onto right now???? But anyway, something to think about and discuss when you're ready?
SO if the psychiatrist is going to be saying he's stuck without you taking medication then it's his job (and remind hi if you need to) to get you help from someone who can. And I don't know..........you may have some opinions on this, but maybe mental health nurse, outreach team, psychologist or a counselor?
But if it's hard to talk to your psychiatrist maybe write things down before your appointment/s so as you can just "give it to him" (read out) directly. I do get that it may be difficult to talk about things especially after seeing someone just a couple of times and especially if you feel that they're unsympathetic but it's you who matters at the end of the day so just make sure you're pushing for the help he needs to be giving you.
Still till then, maybe it's one day at a time and dredging up every little thing that can help you get by, feel better about where you're at/where you're working towards.
I didn't check if you have any friends who could help giving you a little distraction if you need it either, sorry. But still anything to occupy you or focus/interest you?? And there are always helplines (if not a friend?) if you feel able to let out what's going on for you.
And again total respect on trying for help!!! Everything you can do!!!
Best wishes
Here if you want to talk
Alison

Thanks for your reply. I do have housemates who distract me, but they're all away this weekend, and I can't talk to them easily. I'd call a helpline, but my head screams at me when I try to find help. And I have to self harm a lot after each time I try to get help.

When I go to the appointments I literally freeze/shut down. If I wrote down things I wouldn't give them to him. The past few times my head shouts at me, so I can't think straight.

I don't deserve help. I don't know why I'm going to the appointments etc. If it means I secretly want help, I despise that. I hate HATE myself for needing/wanting help.

I hate myself. I'm just wrong.

Hey Lilly, EVERYONE needs/wants help at times (even if they don't make that clear). So absolutely don't feel bad about that. And you DO deserve it!! There's got to be a part of you which knows that too, as you have tried!
I don't know but...do you think your head's screaming at you when you've tried to get help because you haven't found anyone who really helps yet, feeling you're let down/worse afterwards, or maybe because you don't feel you really deserve help??
Maybe a good place to start?? But if you're thinking that people aren't going to understand anyway, some may not BUT for others if you can talk about things just a little bit more, then a little more..........you may be able to help them understand......all at your own pace though.
Would you have anyone you could ask to go with you to appointments as well? Someone you could firstly talk to about the things you want to say (and that doesn't have to be everything at first) then if you freeze or the psychiatrist deflects anything they could "have your back" and speak up for you.
But otherwise just tell the psychiatrist when you're not thinking straight/having trouble saying what you want, so as he doesn't just go along with "appearances" and can maybe put you at ease or find ways to support you in pulling things together and say what's underneath those thoughts.
Now just give yourself the credit you deserve (because there's SO much more to you) and have your head shout that right back at you!!
And, this is probably way out but...........distractions......cleaning (?????) then when your housemates get back they're really going to "owe you one"????? That would be if you're desperate for/run out of distractions of course!!
Alison

Funnily enough, I'm cleaning the house from top to bottom at the moment.
There's no one I can take with me to the appointment.
I'm just scared of the place really. My mum was in a mental hospital for a little while when I was younger because she tried to kill herself a few times, and when I went it scared me quite a bit. My psych appointments are in the outpatients section of such a hospital, so its very hard...

I can certainly understand how the experiences with your mum must have really left their mark on you, it must have been really hard for you.
Just wondering if you've ever had the opportunity or whether it would be a possibility to talk to your mum about those times, your feelings and the feelings that followed?? Those sorts of things can all too easily be "swept under the carpet"/not talked about but obviously they don't just go away like that.
If it hasn't been/isn't a possibility though I'd definitely say talk to your psychiatrist about it though. For some, the more talking the "easier" it gets.
Have a think about what they/you can do to make the appointments easier as well? e.g. if they tend to not start till later than scheduled you could phone up from outside first to check on how they're running and make it for then, as you're not going to be wanting to sit around in there waiting (!), take something/anything with you to focus on while you wait, if you can schedule your appointments try for early morning (?) when the thought of going isn't going to be hanging on you during the day??.............And I would say try to distance yourself from what happened with your mum when you're going but I know that must be really hard, so maybe just something to work on if you can.
Got to sign off now but around tomorrow, so will reply then if you post.
Best wishes
Alison