How to be around others

Today is a challenging day for me. I am trying to understand why people around me find it necessary to put me down when things don't go their way. I don't know how to handle it in my state of mind. Do I call her a "bully"? Do I defend myself, stoop down to her level? So, I do nothing, I say nothing and be a better person, but in return it dwells in my head. The worst part of it all, she had her 13 year old grand-daughter text it to me, great example of parenting. To top it off she is my coach! I just want to ignore it but it lingers in my head like flies on crap! ...and so my day starts off irritated, frustrated, angry and helpless at everything.

Hopefully venting here will help.

Wow. I am angry for you. How your coach handled things (especially bringing in some one else) seems very childish. I don't know why people think that it is helpful to kick you when you are down, when all you need is support.

When people have done this to me... it helps in a way, but it also, back fires for that person. I tend to feed on that anger, but I also, cut them out of my life. Her being your coach, would make this difficult.

I think you did the right thing in not responding when you are overwhelmed by the anger.

Once I get some distance from these feelings, I am able to look at it objective from their point of view. But it takes time, and unfortunately, I never let those people get close to me again.

I hope venting helps. And you can handle things better than I do.

Try to remember that it says more about them than it does about you.

Wow that is awful. One thing that helps me when dealing with abusive people, is to think to myself "how horrible must it be to live in his/her head if that is what they are saying to me".

Let me be clear, it does not excuse their behavior or mean I should not respond. It simply provides me with an emotional buffer zone. That way I can chose my response and no matter what the outcome I feel I have the upper hand.

I understand she is not a good person to be around and I do avoid her like the plague, but her husband is my mentor and I AM starting to rethink that. I do feel sorry for her because she brings her whole family down, she thinks it's ok and funny. But kills me is that she lives a protected life and never has to suffer because of the people that encourage her and cater to her needs. I hate giving her the power to anger me.

That was so inappropriate getting her grand daughter to txt you that message. I does not say much about her. I would have to say something to her, because I would not be able to let go of that anger until I did. Maybe you should get another mentor. Take care of yourself, of course you are upset, you have every right to be.

You didn't answer her....that means that you are superior to her....

eta: I guess I would be too tired to argue or defend myself...but that's just me.

Sounds like you've encountered a common species called anu5 orifice. Personally, I've never bought into the 'better person' ideal. I mean, what defines someone as a better person is subjective to interpretation and that, in and of itself, varies from person to person. You're in a situation where if you do stoop low that there will be collateral damage to the people you care for, so, in this case, the only thing I can suggest is if she says something stupid and offensive like that, don't respond. Seriously. No verbalization, body language, eye movement, etc. It's gonna be hard as hell but trust me, it will itch at her to no end AND you didn't make a fool of yourself in doing so, so that's good. It will almost certainly cause her to up her game and become more aggressive but there will come a time when she does that in front of other people, revealing herself as out-of-line in front of them. Chances are, someone will scold her for it. It's no guarantee but I've seen it work flawlessly on several occasions. People who do stuff like that are narcissists and sounds like she has a few histrionic traits as well. The narcissist has the mindset that they, themselves, take priority over others, even if they are actively helping others. When they are negative and critical and you respond, you are feeding them exactly what they want. I'm not saying completely ignore her. Instead, try only responding to the positive or encouraging things she says. That may lighten things up a little between the two of you. Or, if you're brave enough, just sit down and have a one on one talk with her and express to her how she makes you feel, but you'll have to word it in such a way that it doesn't sound like an attack. Trying not to use the word 'you' during the conversation is tricky but makes the confrontation seem less threatening to her, thus, at least limiting aggressive retaliation. That is tricky. If you decide against it, that's fine, too. Either way, she knows that she matters in your life but only when she's not being a b1tch.

Remember, the anger you feel now is exactly what she wants -and justified on your part but it still means that she's controlling you. I know, easier said than done. It's going to take a lot of practice and a lot of forced patience. And I understand how hard it is to try to suppress blood-thirsty rage when you have the urge out of frustration to just finally put someone in their place but, trust me, it doesn't work. It just makes things worse. It's really good that you consulted someone before acting. That is so good, you just don't even know. It means that you think before you act, which is a really good trait but don't let it paralyze you.

One more thing: If, by chance, you are dealing with someone who is... well, let's just say 'uncultured', chances are, you're going to have to do most of the work I don't know her, personally, so I can't be sure but based on the behavior she put her granddaughter up to, I'm guessing this is the case. No reasonable adult would have a child fight their battles. That's just mean to the child.

Thank you for your feedback. I do feel a lot better for not responding back immediately but apparently it's just stuck in my head to have done/said something. I don't want to be like that person, but I see others join in the abuse just to fit in and to suck up to the coach. She holds such a high standing in my sport/activity that she could care less if she is embarrassed by someone that stands up to her, which has happened. She will fight back with crazy and stupid come backs that make no sense but for some reason people still bow down to her, I don't understand it. I don't want to give up my sport/activity because of her bullying me, I enjoy it too much and why give her the satisfaction. This isn't my first incident with her, I do realize that she says things to me because I don't make a big deal about it. I have confronted her about it and I got the response "suck it up"!

Wow I'm so sorry It's terrible how one person can have such a negative effect on you. I'm impressed by your strength though! If my coach was mean to me I would probably quit haha.

I am going to mention though, unlike a lot of people who have posted before, sometimes it IS a good thing to stand up for yourself against her. Of course the timing and phrasing of your words is important too. One time there was a classmate that would just harass me and after being quiet and just ignoring them for so long, I snapped back with a witty comment one time in front of everyone and it was so good that he never bothered me again. Of course, since it's your coach you'll have to pick your battles wisely but don't let her put you down!

Best of luck!

From everything you have said, this woman is a BULLY and feeds on it. You have described a pattern of behavior. I assume this is based in a academic envirnoment. It could differ if it is a private vs. public school system... However, this is NOT good. This woman seems like a destructive force.

Do you have a school guidance counsler that could act as an advocate? ...or is that her husband that is your mentor? Either way, she is UNPROFESSIONAL and what she is doing is ILLEGAL. While I have not encountered this in a sports activity, I have come across teachers who are self-rightous in their bullying and sense of authority.

YOU don't actually have to confront her if you don't want to. There is a proper channel/process to handle these type of situations. File a complaint. You cannot be the first person to have issues with this woman, but you may have to be the first person to go on official record. If her husband is part of the problem... he needs to be held accountable as well.

Institutional discrimination (it falls under your constitutional rights, Civil Rights Act, Title 7). It is real. By you being the student, and these people being in a position of authority, you are being targeted and left with little to no power. Take it back. Give yourself a voice... even if it is being said outloud by someone else (i.e. guidance counselor, principal, etc.). Discretely, ask around... would anyone else consider adding their complaints to yours (or even sign a petition). You are not alone. She feeds on making you feel isolated. She had her granddaughter send you that message, because LEGALLY she can be held responsible and the child can't.

God, I am so outraged for you. I'm sorry if I'm not helping, but I just thought you should know all of your options.

I'm ashamed to let y'all know that this is a non-profit adult sport that I pay and choose to do. My fault...I realize I need to just walk away.

Oh please, please, please don't feel ashamed. If anything I am embarassed that I made assumptions based on my own personal experiences... mostly the fact that I would rather get my eyelids pierced closed than volunteer for sports activity... ya know, because of the whole... being an uncoordinated, spaztic weakling lol, and the only way that I participated was in a forced high school capacity.

Maybe ... we could agree that the only one who should be feeling ashamed or embarassed is the beastly excuse of a woman (figuratively speaking, of course) that is your coach, and leave it at that.

That being said, legal action (civil or criminal) does get a little iffy with non-profits. The best revenge would be either being her star player of the team, or starting a team of your own. Even if your new team ended up going "Bad News Bears" (it's a hilarious movie, even the remake) style, I would consider the moral victory worth it. But then again... I don't usually expect to win in a sports competition anways...

I am sorry about the confusion. I hope you won't hold it against me.

Even it is a non-profit, even if you walk away, the site may be legally responsible for what she has done to you.

I read this thread over and over again for the simple reason of understanding of what is right and wrong. Being in sports all my life, I was taught to obey your elders/coach, I don't question their actions. It's just part of the sport or strategy of the game. I've been doing this for about 30 years and with the most experience, I am the best one on the team, so for me to quit isn't going to be easy because it's a team sport. I am held to higher standards and have to set a good example for all. I am a private person and don't like to be in the spotlight, I just do it because I love the sport...at least I used to.

I am getting a lot out of this forum and I cannot THANK all of you for reading and helping me in my quest for happiness.