For a long time now, I have had occasions when I would think: "I just can't stand this (depression, anxiety, OCD-type self-harming behaviors, self-hatred) a moment longer." But after a few minutes I'd decide that, realistically, I don't have any choice. No one's going to do anything for me. And, in fact, there's probably nothing anyone can do. So then I'd just sink back into dull acceptance of myself as I am.

This weekend is the first time that I've reached a point where I've begun to think: "I really can't stand this anymore." Maybe no one will do anything & maybe there is nothing anyone can do. But I have to try SOMETHING, because I just can't stand this anymore. I'm SO worn down from stuffing everything down & plodding along that I just don't have the energy to keep going. Oh, I guess I can make it for another day, maybe another week, maybe even another month, if I'm lucky. But I just feel drained.

[unaluna]

I think on a roller-coaster, its not BEING at the top or bottom thats so hard - it doesnt even last that long - its what the journey up or down does to your insides. Youd think id have better abs from it.

I think eventually we realize we DO have a choice. We don't always have a choice of what's been done to us by others, where we live, how much money we have, bills we have, suffering and pain that's caused by illness or ourselves harming ourselves... I think that's where our own choice comes in. To choose not to let any past circumstances that have led us to this point, allow any time or place in our minds. We have only this moment. Sometimes it is a tough moment, but really, if you really think about your surroundings, what you see hear, taste, smell... now.... its all we have. We either accept it, make the most of this moment, or we lose because we are lost in worry about the future or reliving the past. I know there is pain, that won't go away at times, but I think acceptance of whatever you are feeling is better than trying to chase it away.
I had some great advice once. I was as anxious as I thought anyone could feel.
"just allow the feelings to be there. be aware of what you are feeling. don't try to fight it, see where it takes you"... eventually those feelings fade and new ones come.
I don't know where all this is coming from tonight or if it makes any difference. I have been at the point myself of wanting to give up so many times in life, and literally gave up, but I'm still here. Thankfulness for ONE thing, seems to be a start for me. Even if it is just the colour of the sky, the beauty of something else to see. This forum and people here to talk to that do their best to understand you, that have been in tough places and still reach out.
Keep doing that. Sorry for the length of this.

[Stronger]

I understand.
Personally, I have MDD, so know that when I tell you you're not alone...I mean it.
But, please know, my friend, that you cannot live in the 'tomorrow' or the 'one month from now' because today's troubles are enough for today. Tomorrow will worry about itself. For right now, in this moment....you can do this. Because you're not alone.
This was the quote for today on my daily quote app:
"Breath. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure." ~Oprah Winfrey

Originally Posted by hankster

I think on a roller-coaster, its not BEING at the top or bottom thats so hard - it doesnt even last that long - its what the journey up or down does to your insides. Youd think id have better abs from it.

Good lord I would have a six pack made of STEEL if that's how it worked!! (Instead I just get a pudgy belly to jiggle with lol). Thanks for the laugh

[Frankbtl]

Hi Skeezyks, (still not stalking you!! )
It sounds like you've been hitting some really hard times but managing to kick into the default "survivor mode"?? Now, not taking anything at all away from that "survivor mode", that is massive!!! That is a real achievement!!!
But I know I'd want more for you than "survivor mode" so maybe.......although it may sound impossible........maybe aim at looking even past that? Now I know, real depression isn't a choice, you can't just choose to have it, or just choose not to have it. And I know someone just walking up to you/saying.........isn't just going to make it all A OK. It can be a long journey. But got to start somewhere.........
You're right, some things you just can't work through alone, and you're right some things someone else can't just "fix" but if you can maybe find the help you need to start on that journey..........
Maybe you've had experience of hotlines, therapists, doctors (??) who haven't been that helpful?? But that doesn't need to mean that you are the problem, you haven't been "helpable" it more means that you just haven't found the right help yet. So in that case, why should you "accept" the way things are, push on and be "subjected" to all of this?? You DESERVE more!!
If a doctor, helpline.........isn't helping tell them, insist, it's their job to help afterall!! But above everything speak up!! You know how you're feeling, you know you shouldn't have to be feeling like this.....just know as well that it does matter that you get the help you need/the help you should have.
Obviously, no magic wands "and all that" out there but you DO DESERVE something to help you on that journey a bit better.
And you know, you have us as well right???!!!! Anything we can do to try to help....listen, understand, support you.......whatever!!!



Alison