[20broken17]

I am terrified that I will be sucked in this depression the rest of my life. I am only 15 and have felt like this since 7th grade. This already feels like forever I don't know if I would be able to handle this if it continues. I hate feeling the pain, sadness, and darkness. I hate when i start feeling better and just crash back down. I feel like this will never end and I don't know if I would be strong enough to keep going.

I already know you are strong by making it this far . And I won't say it'll be sunshine and rainbows if you can hold on long enough because that would be unfair and not true. But I will say that you'll experience happy times in the future. You'll make new friends. You'll move out of your parents house and begin to make your own living. You'll learn more about yourself and see all sorts of things in the world. You'll find a new favorite restaurant. Meet all sorts of great people that understand you. You'll get your drivers license and learn how to steer in the snow. Get to order alcohol at an actual restaurant. Get hit on in a bar/party. Maybe get married. Live with roommates. Find people you love. Find people that make you so angry you want to punch a wall. Find more people who love you for just being you.

The worst part is deciding to keep living but I can say that there are quite a few enjoyable things in the future. It hasn't been a fun journey but in the end I think I want to be proud of the route that I took. And part of that is being able to say I didn't destroy my family and hurt my friends by choosing to end it myself.

[20broken17]

Thanks that really helps! I just hate feeling like this. I hate all the ups and downs but my downs are so long and deep down. I am just so exhausted.

[paynful]

Originally Posted by 20broken17

I am terrified that I will be sucked in this depression the rest of my life. I am only 15 and have felt like this since 7th grade. This already feels like forever I don't know if I would be able to handle this if it continues. I hate feeling the pain, sadness, and darkness. I hate when i start feeling better and just crash back down. I feel like this will never end and I don't know if I would be strong enough to keep going.

I'm so very sorry you are dealing with this. 15 was one of the roughest times for me. I know you probably hear this all the time, but your hormones really are going crazy. It made my depression all that more extreme and INTENSE. At 15, you are right in between... a child in so many ways, but taking on sooooo much responsibility that you should be considered an adult. There really should be a new category for your age group.. adolescent or teenager really doesn't do it justice.

It's such a power struggle just being that age that when you add depression, it makes an unstable world look horrifyingly off kilter. Nothing will ever right it again. I felt like I was hanging on by my fingers tips and everything was working against me to weigh me down further.

When you look to the future, and you can't see past your own pain, it looks terribly bleak. So I understand why you would be frightened... that you don't think you'll be strong enough to make it through... but keeprolling is right.

There is SO MUCH to look forward to... so much. All the pain you have gone through, and even the pain that has yet to come, will be worth it. It is difficult to keep faith in the "maybe" of it all, but it's true.

You hormones will balance out. Yes, you will be given more responsibility, but you will also, be given more control and power over your own world. Your choices will be your's. The feelings of helplessness will lessen as your opportunities increase. The more you go through, the more you know that you can and WILL survive. It makes you stronger.

The one thing that I wish some one had said to me when I was your age (struggling with depression and darkness)... find something that is just for YOU.

I don't know if you have a passion, yet... sports, reading, writing, pottery, drawing, the circus, stained glass, golfing... ANYTHING that brings you joy or even interests you, PURSUE IT. Keep it close to you. Find an outlet. Explore it.

My depression kept me closed off, so that even when I was feeling better I felt lost.

And #2 (sorry, I thought of something else)... If you can force yourself into after school activities, do it! I don't care how stupid you think it is (or the people involved), it will keep you busy and interacting with people (even if you just sit there, not participating). Your depression will go through cycles. So if you can keep yourself involved, it will be better for you. Or even volunteering... or a part-time job will help you earn money, it will look good on a future resume/college application, and give you a sense of independence and control in an out of control world.

Sorry for writing an epic. I hope some of it helped you a bit. I just wish some one had mentioned these things to me at age 15. Helped me keep focus when I could see it myself. I often got lost in the trees trying to find the forest.

Please, keep strong and keep posting!!

[20broken17]

Thank you so much! It means a lot to me that you took the time write such encouraging words. I hope I can take all the words and keep them with me and have them help me.

[A hopeless optimist]

The ups and downs are SO hard. Do your best to hold on to the good moments like a teddy bear when you're going through the bad ones. Maybe that sounds corny... but that's the image I think of. When I have thoughts of giving up, I think of my vibrant and sweet little sister who looks up to me and I press on as best as I can. Sometimes if you can't do it for yourself, it helps to think of the people you love and give it one more shot for them. And keep posting. We'll get there.

Gimme a big hug......

It's all so true...you are at such an incredibly difficult age....

I echo what was said....but don't sink too low before you ask for help....

Volunteering can make your soul sing (my daughter volunteers at a bunny rescue)....consider it.

And make a list (or have in your head) whatever makes you smile and laugh. Youtube videos, favorite comedians, anything fun that engages your brain. And when you are at your worst, indulge yourself with those things. Your thoughts won't be able to dwell that way.

Keep posting. Have a good rant or a good cry here. Anytime you feel the need.