[akekaomen]

Again too depressed. Stuck working and hate people around me. I hate being at work now and hate being a manager. That means I have to be nice to people and act differently than I feel. It also means it looks bad if I take days off because I'm too depressed for work.

I should try to get a job at a lower salary, but I'm resentful of my family because I am the only one working and we can barely make ends meet as it is. I can't afford to drop my salary at all. We live in a small 2 bedroom with 2 kids and my youngest daughter doesn't even get her own room. She sleeps with my wife while I sleep on the couch. She's 6 now, and it seems wrong to me, but hell that's our life. My kids are growing up with less than what I had when I was their age.

I hate life and feel like the feelings won't end. I don't think I can work anymore anywhere, but can't afford to do anything. I sometimes wish my wife would take the kids away and leave me so I could stop being in their way. Maybe then I could act on the thoughts I have, but I can't now and am repulsed by them. I can't go to the hospital because again I'm the one making the money and it would put me in a bad position as a manager to be out.

there's nothing to say to me or do. I don't know why I'm bothering to post other than the fact that I'm feeling horrible and want to express it somewhere. I'm going to break down at work and show how depressed I am even though I'm trying not to. I can't even look forward to just getting through the day because the day is full of so much that I can't handle.

Yes I see a therapist, and yes I have a psychiatrist and I'm even getting testosterone treatment due to my hormonal imbalances. It's my fault I can't do this because I can't control my mind and am not strong willed enough to use the skills I know. I can't keep in the moment and I can't just talk to people to connect with them to get out of my feelings. I'm screwed up and wish someone would tell me to write my life off. I wish I could just be confirmed as useless so I could prove it to others and then know I am right about my feelings of myself.

[regretful]

I know the feelings you write about all too well - hating life, it's all my fault, useless, weak. This is, for me, the depression talking. I am stuck in a business that I can't get out of. About 6 months ago, I had a job that I enjoyed, but quit to return to a family business. Depression is absolute misery. I'm limping through it with the aid of medication and therapy. I post on here because I get some relief from my depression through this. Best to you.

[Rohag]

Someday I'm going to say to a doctor, "Dear doctor, don't you realize you are talking to someone whose very will, whose ability to want is out of order?"

[Maria38Divine]

Akekaomen,
We don't know each other, BUT I'm pretty sure you're not useless. I understand how it feels to be stuck in a job you want to run from and to wake up in the mornings and roll over because you don't want to get up and go. It is tough. For me, I found a hobby I looked forward to doing in the evenings after work. It helped to relieve my anxieties for a while until I made the decision to change careers. I don't know if that will work for you, but that's the only suggestion I can offer for now.
Big hug!!

[akekaomen]

It's funny, I had a hobby that helped for a long time, but these days I'm not interested in anything. It's like I've hit a real low in my depression and it happens in cycles. I wonder if the weather is involved, which really is bad because I can't just constantly be held captive to weather changes. Anyway, I used to love making music and listening to music, but my interest has waned over the past year. I had tried, but now that there's this great competition with a great opportunity, I've lost all interest in even trying, so I just submitted old stuff in hopes that it's enough to get a mention.

Well I'll see my therapist today and be frustrated by him, but before that I have to do what I don't feel like doing, be social and function at work. Soon I'll have a new employee to train and work with, which scares me because I'm so depressed all the time they'll probably hate working for me. I'm trying not to think that far ahead though. Planning is important, but painful when depressed because it causes too much thinking about the future and suffering future pain.

[Clara22]

Planning may be OK but anticipating is a problem to me

[Danny777]

I can sure relate to the manager thing, it's a tough job for many of us. Having to bear the load that employees and the corp put on our shoulders is hard. Relating to employees' needs and wants but having to take the corp stance can wear you down. A lot. Some people seem to be able to handle it better than others. When it got too much for me, I decided to throw the cards up in the air and see where they landed, I ended up with a different job which was more tolerable. Maybe you could keep being a manager with the same salary, but in a different place, it might be better. You do have the experience and your skills, forced though they may be, are no doubt of value to other organizations.

I'll also mention that I lost my 19 year old daughter a few years ago, it almost killed me. Well, it did kill me in a way. I imagine it would be even worse the other way around. Keep that in mind, the collateral damage from a loss like this is way more than we imagine, and our kids love us more than we imagine. I hate to use this phrase, but you do have to stick it out for them. But that doesn't mean you can't make changes to your life.

I sure hope you can get yourself out of that rut and I wish you all the best! And, btw, it's NOT your fault, it's a tough world and many of us have had tough lives, and that causes problems. I hope this helps a little, I'm new here and kind of nervous about saying the wrong thing.

[Cornsilk]

It just helps to know there are other people who feel this way. Those that dont suffer from depression have no idea how everyday can be a struggle. The feelings of self doubt, regret and remorse are crippling. They are all consuming and they never go away. Having depression seems akin to being a leper.