[Danny777]

Does anyone have any insight on this? I find that I am always worried about what other people think, which I know is silly because they are too busy worrying about what other people think of THEM to spend much time thinking about me. But how to stop worrying about that, has anyone found any winning strategies for this?

Related, and a major source of my worrying, is always going overboard to please others, often to the point of hurting your own self. Why do we do this? I like helping others, it makes me feel good, but sometimes I go too far and then appear needy, which just alienates others due to their uneasiness in dealing with over-eager people.

I think this is a major component of my depression, the worrying and feeling like an outcast when people don't acknowledge the help you have given them. Of course, it's not the only thing but if anyone has beaten this, could you tell us what worked for you?

Thanks!
Danny

[ToeJam]

It can be hard to find a good balance.

From a personal point of view, my ‘worry’ of what others think is more based on just wanting an easier life. Unintentionally peeing others off/drawing unnecessary attention can be a right pain in the arse… so yeah, I have ‘control’ issues with how I present myself.

As the years have gone on, I’ve probably become more anti-social but as such that seems to draw people to me (odd how that works) and I’m quite good with banter and self deprecation.

Rule of thumb being if you can laugh at yourself… it’s not so bad when others do so.

So yeah, I’d say if you think you’re trying too hard… ease up on yourself and just let things unfold as they would… easier said than done lol.

[Silent Void]

In my case, it goes back to surviving an abusive mother. I had to constantly be aware of her moods and react in a way that would not anger her.

[Altered Moment]

In my case it goes back to growing up in an alcoholic family. We take on different roles to try to balance things out. People pleaser is a very common one. In my case it was primarily scape goat. I was getting in trouble all the time. For me it was many years in AA and Alanon working the steps and therapy and working through my past that helped me. What people think of me is none of my business. Like you said they are to worried about thinking of what other think of them. It is really what I perceive others think of me. And if I am helping someone am I doing it unconditionally or am I fulfilling some need that I have.

Hmm. I guess I've worried about this before but I had a nasty roommate last year and it just kind of made me give up about other people haha. I'll be polite and what not but friendship is a two way street so if you aren't giving any I will leave. I don't really care as much about people's opinions anymore because they will think the way they think regardless if I'm there or not and if they judge me on whatever I'm doing at the time or what I look like I wouldn't want to be friends with them anyways. If I'm really excited about a new friend I tend to go out of my way to do stuff but it's my own choice so I don't feel any guilt over it. Although I have learned to be cautious in how much I give because sometimes you're just feeding a black hole haha. I guess I've never really thought of people pleasing in a negative connotation. It's been kind of simple for me. I like to please people so I will please people. But if you're rude or not interested I will take my friendship and offers elsewhere :P

[Maria38Divine]

I struggle with this too. Plus I have this thing about not wanting people to feel bad. So I don't tell them how I really feel for fear they'll be offended and angry with me. My parents were angry a lot and hurtful in the things they said, so it's made me supersensitive to others' feelings. Trying to reprogram my brain. People don't mind honesty. We just have to choose our words carefully and keep our tone in check when expressing ourselves.

[Danny777]

Toejam, yes, I can relate to that, I am quite secluded these days and dread interacting with the general public. I guess it's all part of the same thing. I can and do laugh at myself, but I can beat myself up pretty good too!

For the others who replied, I had parents that drank a lot as well and verbally it was very trying, sometimes physically as well. Not the first time I've heard of this cause/effect element in relation to the people pleasing, I think it has to do with the lack of attention kids get in these types of families, because the parents are so "busy" all the time. Then they grow up looking too desperately for the attention and validation they never got as kids. I sure wish I could cap that off though. It seems no matter what I say to myself about how I have just as much right to a happy life as anyone else on the planet, I still feel like this way too often.

I always tell myself I don't care about what people think but I'm just kidding myself, we all care to a degree.

Thanks for all the replies!

[littlemiss44]

I always struggle with this issue. From reading others responses it resonates with my life. Growing up in an emotionally abusive home...with emotionally absent parents. No matter how much therapy I may have it still doesn't take away the emptiness I feel. I can be Ib a room full of people and still feel alone. Why even try to talk to any of them? They wouldn't want to know me and my issues so I choose to have a small circle of friends. I'm more comfortable that way. I have friends that love me unconditionally and they know how I am...given that I don't get invited to many outings. Mainly cause they know I really don't want to go. I work closely with the public and I can't stand it but I keep the job cause it's so flexible and they know about my illness. That's comforting. But I can't stand how rude the public really is. They don't say thank you often at all. About 80% don't say it at all. I worry what others think of me cause I judge myself already. When I find myself worrying what they think I just tell myself that they aren't worth knowing anyways. I can tell if others care and those are the people I know don't judge me. Ya coming from an all alcoholic family I can understand what you guys are talking about. If I'm always worried about what my parents think of me then it makes sense that I worry what others think of me. But to be honest it's not my business what they think of me. I need to know my worth before I care what they think about me. It's all a balancing act. Like standing in the middle of a teeder totter. I won't go to much to the left cause it's self pity. And I won't go to much to the right cause it goes into what others think. I balance in the middle which puts me in a place of caring about who I am and not caring about other people's opinion of me. It works. Take care of yr self and love who you are cause yr worth it!

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[Danny777]

littlemiss, you are lucky to have a few close friends, I seem to have lost all of mine. I guess they weren't real friends at all. Maybe my fault as well since I kind of fell of the face of the earth a few years ago (stopped communicating/emailing, etc.), I think I wanted to see who would come back. Apart from my immediate family (not parents though, they've passed away), none did. That didn't help. But I'm glad to know the few family friends I have now are real ones, not just part of a misguided numbers game on Facebook!

The rudeness and selfishness I see in the public these days (dog poop on the sidewalk? Really? Not to mention driving and just getting glared at by some passers-by.) seems a lot worse than I remember from the past, this doesn't bode well for the future I'm afraid. That's a sad thought in itself.

[mulan]

I do care a lot. I don't think this is a silly thing to worry about. Even people aren't consciently thinking about how they feel about you and what they care the most is themselves. There's a thing called body language, facial expression, the voice tone. I mean most time the words they say don't matter, what matter is what they don't say to you (because they don't want to share it with you) and all the inconscient body language.
In my life I had to relly on this skills to survive and predict how I should behave, and how I still know most of people don't really like me (I'm an aquitence), it continues to matters. When you are insulted a lot, in random circunstances, by people who sometimes are nice to you. I just have to be attemptive. Recognize if I am a burden or not to others, and most times I recognize they will be better without me and they don't really want me there (making me feel invisible). There's no away I wouldn't take seriously the true way they feel about me and about some behaviours and thoughts of mine. People prefer funny and outgoing people.

[healingme4me]

At some point, it took being comfortable in my own skin. May have happened on morning, with three crying babies. An epiphany. Realization, I literally cannot possibly please everyone. To please one, would take from the other.
Another epiphany, was my marriage, some people cannot be pleased, I'd die internally, to continue trying.
Another, you can please everyone, but in the end, where did they all go?(moms death)
Work, beyond appearance of brown nose, comes across fake, and you'll break under pressure.

More than, thinking they think negative, recognizing when you stop pleasing anyone, but yourself, you come off genuine, and suddenly, compliments fly...


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