Can't sleep...

Everyone in my house is asleep, and here I am wide awake. As I'm sure most have caught on to by now, I don't exactly have the most caring, supportive husband. Any time he is home (as he is now) I can't sleep because I'm so on edge. Every time he moves, I flinch. The reflex is much worse if he touches me, even just a slight nudge. I hate this. It's not like this when he's away on business trips. I have no problem (most times) sleeping peacefully then.
Of course, I can't blame him for my issues. At least, not solely. He is most definately a contributing factor...in a long list of factors. I sure have a way of picking 'men' though!
I wish I could be 'normal'. Just 'get over' all the childhood traumas that I brought into my adult life. When I was young I'd hear of kids being kidnapped and I envied them-- wishing it was me. At that time, I figured a kidnapper couldn't possibly do anything that wasn't already done to me...and I would have welcomed death. Pretty messed up, right?
The most messed up thing about my husband... He is so scarily similar to my childhood abuser. (There was more than one...but one particular, consistent, most impacting). I'm talking could almost pass for a physical double of...and beliefs, mannerisms.... What the hell would possess me to end up with this man??
I had a therapist once tell me that I was subconsciously attempting to change the past, but once I realized the striking similarities I was just disgusted with myself. If I would subconsciously seek out a replica of my childhood abuser...did it mean I subconsciously ENJOYED the abuse??? What kind of person does what I find myself to have done?? It makes me feel physically sick at myself. I'm so disgusted by my own choices.
I am feeling a ton of self hatred and disgust right now. I just needed to get some of it out. It doesn't change anything or make me feel better, but I keep looking at potentially lethal objects around me and wondering if I have the strength to end it all quickly and as painlessly as possible...I don't (obviously) because I'm still here...

The time will come when you realize that YOU are more important than your marriage.

From what I understand, finding someone to be with who has similar characteristics simply means that we were made to feel guilty by them and so you are now subconsciously trying to get rid of the guilt by making them happy.

Don't hate yourself for that. Or be disgusted by it. It's not something you can control.

I'm not sure if I missed it, does your current husband abuse you or does he just look like your previous abuser? These are two very different and important things. If he looks like your abuser and abuses you (other than touching skin accidentally while sleeping) get the hell out now!

If he looks like your abuser but doesn't abuse you, you owe him an explanation. You need to ask yourself, if he didn't look like my abuser, would I love him? I assume at some point you loved him or you wouldn't have married. So the question becomes what changed. Was there a mannerism or behavior on his part that triggered your subconscious. If you loved him and he loves you, you owe it to both of you to try working it out. I would not try it alone. The fact that he looks like your abuser is serious enough to require some intensive focused discussions. If it's just his looks, it seems like the problem is more yours than his. But he needs to know why you shy away from his touch, why you act afraid, maybe even terrified around him.

Yes having someone in your home who reminds you of some awful times is horrendous, bit not the end all be all. The ball is in you court, and the first question you must ask yourself is if he had a different face would you love him. Physical appearances can be overcome. Physical and emotional abuse not as easily.

Good luck and keep us posted.

I think the theory is that we are subconsciously trying to recreate the past in order to change it and heal it. This may be able to be done with alot of marriage counseling and therapy and learning new ways to interact with eachother. Of course that requires two people who are willing to change. If he is abusing you and not willing to work on changing get the hell out.

Just a few examples of how he treats me: When my daughter was about 7 months old, he insisted we come to the state he was working in. It was winter and there was snow. He has a travel RV and it was parked at an empty campsite...about 2 blocks from a prison. He was drinking and started not picking everything about me. The yelling woke my daughter and I went over and picked her up. I was pacing with her and he walked up and slung the door open and before I could react he physically kicked me in the back out the door into the snow. Then he locked the door. My daughter was in only a diaper; I was in only panties and a long t-shirt. He sat at the table with the blinds half open, just watching us. I tried to get in my car, but he had the keys and locked it. I is found a tarp in the bed of his truck and after putting my daughter under my shirt, wrapped us both in the tarp like a burrito. We spent the night in the bed of his truck. The next morning, I had dozed off a little, he pulled me out of his truck by my hair onto the ground...then he drove off to work. He left the RV unlocked so we went inside, but he took my keys with him.

Another time, I was pregnant with my youngest (now about to turn 3). He came in from work and wanted to have sex. I said no because is been vomiting all day (I had hyperemisis) and didn't feel good. I turned away from him and started walking away. He shoved me from behind. I instinctively reached my hand out to break my fall. It inadvertently hit his arm. He yelled at me and before I knew it I was against the wall with his hand around my throat. He lifted me off the ground, one handed, and chocked me until I passed out. As I regained consciousness, I could feel his weight on top of me and he had my face pushed into the floor...it didn't take long for him to get what he wanted. As he stood up, pulling his pants up, he told me I don't EVER tell him 'No', and went to watch tv. I got myself up and took a shower.

These are just a couple of events. There's been less dramatic things happen (just yelling or, sometimes worse, whispered threats right in my ear) and worse things have happened. These events fall somewhere in the middle.

THIS is the kind of man my husband is. This was going on before marriage (it got much worse after). By the time he decided he was going to marry me...I was too ashamed and afraid to tell him no. When others were around he put on an act of a loving partner, and everyone gushed about how great he was and how stupid I'd be to let him get away. No one knew what was going on behind closed doors. Most people still don't.

I am sure the woman on here will have something to say. I say find a women's shelter for you and your kids.

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I don't think that you want to me to tell you again to get out of that marriage......THAT SAID. How CAN I support you?

The facts are in front of you, you are intelligent enough to know that things won't get better. Clearly something is keeping you there.

You have to break the cycle somehow for your children's sake at least.

I do understand that only I can change my situation. I'm not asking for anyone to 'do' anything in that regard.
This forum is just my outlet to the 'outside' world. Of course, I have to keep this site secret, but I've managed that so far.
I really don't expect anything from anyone. This place just helps me feel less alone sometimes.
I appreciate all responses to my posts, whatever they may be. It just helps me to know even as isolated as I've become, there are still people out there. They may not be in the same situation, but everyone is dealing with something.

I am not surprised at that response....
It's a little defensive and you turned into yourself. You don't have to do that here.

My question was not "well what can I do about it?"

My question was "How CAN I support you"

I should have realized that you cannot 'see' (because you have been made not to) the implied "please tell me because I care" and that is my fault.

Hugs.

I'm sorry Sophies. I don't mean to sound defensive. I desperately want to communicate with outside people, but I don't want to come across as though I expect them to "fix" me, or my situation. I know that's on me. I let myself get here, and no one is to blame for that but me.
I guess, mostly, I just want to be heard. I know that some day I'll be gone...likely by my hand or his. As time goes on, I sense that moment is getting closer. I just feel this urge to 'tell my story'...to maybe prevent someone else from this life. Even in this anonymous way...I just hope to help someone else.
I don't know if that makes sense to anyone. I don't want anyone to feel like they're not helping me. Everyone here helps me to feel some calm. If someone else out there is just starting down a similar path...maybe I can help them have the strength to get out before it's too late for them.
As much as I want this life to end, I don't want to leave feeling like it was all in vain. It helps me to think someone out there can be prevented from following the same road I've gone down.

Then I'll listen.

I will say, though, that although you cannot change the past, you and your children's future is entirely in your hands.