[Hellion]

I chose the name hellion because a band I like has a song called that....but perhaps it implies a kind of 'bad ***' persona. Well I am not a bad ***, I suffer panic attacks from PTSD and end up laying in my bed paralized with fear thinking i am re-living the crap. Whenever I go out I am worried about people mocking me or trying to take advantage....I don't trust anyone. So yeah in some ways I am like a scared little kid...but in other ways I want to live my life, I want to experience things, learn life lessons and essentially live a life. I mean yes I am on the autism spectrum it makes it hard to interact with people appropriately...but this does not mean I want to be alone or I hate people, its just hard for me to connect with a lot of people. I mean currently I am probably facing homelessness, I am really trying to live at my moms place but our lifestyles conflict. I mean to be quite honest any friends I meet would likely not be welcome at my moms house....and it upsets me because I want to meet people but I hate the burdon of 'oh I live at my moms and she gets pissed at normal activities young adults might induldge in' but I cannot live in a little square box and pretendI don't want to live life like she wants....i want to live life, want to try to be safe about it but dont know what that is. my mom got married at 16 then she would still probably get on me for hanging out with a dude overnight...well sorry but she got married to a 25 year old at 16 and she wants to try to tell me what age group to hang with...well quite honestly I have been attracted to older guys and there I said it...but who the **** cares I am 24 if I wanna be flirty with an older dude what the **** ever...I just hate being treated like a ****ing kid. I am 24 I want to make some of my own mistakes and learn from them not be so cautious I never experience anything which seems to be what my mom wants.

So basically I am afraid of myself, I know sometimes I do stupid things when I feel self destructive.....but good god how does one not get fed up in this society? I mean recently I had a bit of a freak out and got a ride home from the cops, it was suprising because they did not antagonize me....just said due to the fact I had been outside yelling like a dumbass they would either have to take me home or to detox so I chose home.....but they where cool didn't antagonize anything and just said I should probably get some sleep. I admit I was lucky they could have been asshole cops but luckily they seemed to understand I was just f****d up and didn't actually want to cause any harm to anything so it seemed more like they helped me get home a
V
nd what not. I do admit I was pretty afraid when they pulled up thought I'd for sure get arrested. basically it seems society ignores problems they get worse and no one wants to do anything. I mean I admit I am afraid to, but people need to take back this country, the constitution actuallly meant something at one point in history and I wish it still stood today. Perhaps I am a conservative in this sense, but yeah ****ing **** happened and after that the u.s should hav started promoting cannabis. I mean tell me I am an idealist, but ****ing hemp is a very versitlioe resource...it can be used to make paper, plastic like packaging, health products like hemp shampoo and soap which is actuay amazing on skin, Imean if you wash yourself with that it feels quite nice like getting all the toxins out

But I get angry at this anti-cannabis culture...I mean I get some people get carried away and some are just total dumbasses. But a lot of stoners I have met are quite intelligent and just like to smoke weed a lot just like I do. So yeah If i was totally against that sort of crowd I would not hang around. But last I was at the bar I did end up talking to someone and got their number if they want to chill. But yeah I know nothing about them so I will be cafefull when i hang out in person.

But yeah I try to take care of myself but sometimes I just want to get f*****d up and forget about it, and basically my family does not understadnd that....this is why I am a pothead, I need something to help me mellow out and weed does it for me...maybe that makes me an addict I don't know all I know is it chills out my PTSD symptoms which is a good thing. I mean have you ever felt like you need to kill people because of how you fill? Not judging as I have felt that way myself but **** man the way I see it is society sets some of these incidents up and then tries to blame it all on the mentally ill. Well I have been struggling with mental illness and to dismiss the issues people have is just cruel. I mean people have been abused, put through terrible things and can't control their emotional response, and some psych wards ignore this which is very unfortunate as people might have treatments that arent actually in their best interest.

[Rohag]

Hello, Hellion. I don't have any trouble with your forum name, but if you think it is getting in the way of interactions here consider contacting one of the moderators about changing it. I believe that can be done without voiding your current account.

Your facing possible homelessness is worrying. Can you talk about this with a doctor or therapist? Social services?

Hey there Hellion, I know how you feel, I'm on the Autism Spectrum too and find it extremely difficult connecting with others. I often like to think of myself as an observer of life, not an active participant (that would be everybody else around me basically). I have never "lived" in my life, so to speak.

I really feel for you, your mom sounds EXACTLY like my dad. I mean I'm 25 already but have the freedom of an 11 year old. I still live at home too, and I know the only way I would ever get out is to run away and live on the street. But actually I've considered living in the wilderness/bush, you know like some nomad, hunter-gatherer dude. What I really don't like is this modern money culture, everybody with some dough get treated like gods where I come from.

What can I say, damn, I'm 25, studying for my 4th degree on bank loans, living at home, no girlfriend because no woman in the world would ever be able to love me, got a car but can't drive very well (another thing my dad just forced me to buy), hopelessly fat but can't care enough to do diet and exercise (I would rather die than give up my Coke and junk food/chocolate), got an IQ of 150 but I'm the most moronic and stupidest human being alive when it comes to doing "normal" things, never had a job because no boss would want to employ a low down loser like me, and got no more passions or dreams or anything because massive depression just "ate" it all.

The thing I ask myself everyday is - what is the point of someone like me, why am I here? And, how the f*** did sh** get so messed up so damn quickly?

All the best to you, I feel your pain for sure and hope everything can work out the way you want, hopefully sooner rather than later. Many hugs times 10.

[Curupira]

I have no issues with your name. Mine is taken from an amazonian mythological creature. It's feet are turned backwards so you never know if it is coming or going. It has some nasty stories associated with it but since I love amazonian lore I love the creature. I also have PTSD so in my mind anything thing that makez you feel empwered is good in my book

[Hellion]

And I was thinking maybe i didn't actually end up hitting submit when I typed that rant. But yeah this past week has been kind of stupid....I also don't really flirt per say, but sometimes I find it fairly easy to talk to guys who are older than me not that i am intrested in taking things to any intimate level per say.

My mom can be overprotective, but I have been getting carried away with drinking...sort of came to that realization last night I mean yeah I want to be living life...but I don't want to go and be dumb, drink too much and end up thinking to myself 'wow I am lucky something much worse didn't happen' when I go out drink too much and act stupid. So that is the substance I've been having the issue with....the cannabis is helpful to me and has never added to my problems, not just saying that my close family agrees and I've had some therapists/medical professionals/an autism advocate type person I met once acknowledge it can help some people and understand it helps me.

But yeah was still rather tipsy when I posted this and so some of it probably doesn't make a ton of sense. I guess sometimes I feel like everyone must dislike me when I mess up or whatever so I get ideas like 'well people here must dislike me because of my username' but no I don't really feel anyone has really been rude or judgemental about it and I don't feel disliked per say...or at least I know that was more in my head then an actual reality. Long story short though I gotta make a serious effort not to abuse alcohol anymore via trying to self medicate when I'm angry/upset or self destructively depressed.

[Altered Moment]

I like your name.

Yeah the alcohol thing is dangerous. I figured you were tipsy when you posted that. You can have a life without alcohol. Pot doesn't bother me if it helps you. Only you can decide if that becomes an issue, but probably the least of your problems at the moment.

I can't remember if you are getting professional help like a pdoc, meds, and therapy or not? to many people to keep track of.

Your rant is at least interesting. You must not live in the same county because the cops around here would not have been so compassionate. I think all the shootings don't help. That's good there are a few practical cops left.

I understand why you choose to live at home and I feel for your situation. I just wonder how much being held back and under those rules affects your recovery. I wonder if you would have such bouts of sleeping. At some point the need to fly gets overwhelming. I lived at home until ~22 and when I moved I began to thrive. Four years later I moved out west solo. A friend of mine was in a hospital for a Sui attempt. He lost his place and his job. He was really lucky though. One of the other patients decided to share a place and it has really worked out. I don't know if the hospital supported that arrangement considering there was also substance abuse. My point is I wish there was a community situation for you. Not residential care or halfway house but more like a dorm style but with other recovering people and some minor support. I know they exist but they are rare. Maybe even a shared house. Another friend had a room in a huge old house. Everyone was a musician or made films and made no money. It was pretty loud and crazy but the idea is good. It is probably still there unless it's been condemned. If you are near a college that might be something (not loud and crazy but maybe creative). Anyway, those are just ideas. Maybe you have thought of this or maybe you are ready or interested. Maybe I am overstepping.

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[Altered Moment]

Yeah getting out of your moms house and on your own somehow sounds like a good idea at your age if you can pull it off. freedom and independence mean a lot. i left my home and state when I was 19. four of us went together to Oklahoma. It wasn't easy but we made it. We all eventually got jobs and shared apartments and it was great. We did do a lot of partying which was not so good.

I understand the desire to party and have fun at your age. Getting in the habit of the bar scene is not gonna be good for you.

There are a lot of places like Michanne talks about in CA but they are for drug and alcohol recovery and people are basically on their own but live with peers in the same boat. I don't think I have ever heard of a place like that for depression. It is a shame drug and alcohol get so much attention and depression doesn't.

People are talking about it.

http://kevinturnquist.org/models.php


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[Altered Moment]

Sounds great and healthy but expensive. I wonder what the rent would be for an individual with all those services? Or is it targeting people already on disability and Medicaid?

Come to think of it there are residential houses in regular neighborhoods that house four or five with a caretaker. They are usually for adult developmentally disabled and mentally ill already on disability and Medicaid. Neighborhoods fight to keep them out because of ignorance and fear. There is one by my ex wife's house. My mom and my buddy worked in one.

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[Hellion]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

I like your name.

Yeah the alcohol thing is dangerous. I figured you were tipsy when you posted that. You can have a life without alcohol. Pot doesn't bother me if it helps you. Only you can decide if that becomes an issue, but probably the least of your problems at the moment.

I can't remember if you are getting professional help like a pdoc, meds, and therapy or not? to many people to keep track of.

I do go to thereapy, I go to a psychiatrist and I have just a general practitioner doctor for like physical check ups or if I get sick and need to go to the doctor. But I admit none of that seems to help too terribly much. Obviously I am deeply intrested in not going out and drinking when I get upset/angry...and aside from that I'd like to have a couple beers socially or try out different micro-brewery brews(taste is delicious) but I will have to see if I really can limit myself to that. But still have the concern something could get me into a self destructive mood and I'll not be able to resist going out getting totally wasted and then end up in some bad situation...but yeah guess I just need to be careful of that and remind myself of all the alternatives for when I am feeling like that.

How much does it cost to house the ill involuntarily and then force med them for life and pay for ssd for life? Look up satoria-Alaska. It is only for a month but it sets these people up to function in society. It is cost effective. Plus this is one groups ideal. I didn't read it in detail but one sounds like simply a community for highly functioning people with something in common that need more support but not around the clock care. Do you think the goal is to be able to work? Paying your own way is good for them too but isn't it good to have a community that understands. That kind of living is already popular. A friend if mine lives in just such a community. They have communal dining on Tuesdays. She doesn't have to constantly watch her kids because everyone takes resp just like the old days. She works full time but others don't and like to garden. Tuesdays get the benefit of that. The difference is the places are about 200 and isn't geared to MI. What if it were subsidized like sotoria and rentals sized for up to three people instead of families? You gotta dream first. That's how these things happen. Naysayers? Always. The harder you have to fight the better the idea. Every visionary knows this

There is a day house in Denver but I don't think they are high functioning like Hellion and I believe they are much older.

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I have sometimes wondered the same thing about my avatar. But I love the little rascal, even if he is a bit off-putting!

[roads]

IMHO, Hellion, I think usernames that both reflect where we're at and make us feel fairly good about ourselves and our prospects are a first step toward taking control and committing to getting better.

I started as Roadrunner because it's native to my soul's home (New Mexico), my inclination is to run from problems, and whenever I see a roadrunner (or remember times I've seen one) I smile--even laugh. They just make me happy ... not about myself, or life, or anything in particular . Roadrunners are kinda magic and funny. Silly. After I'd been here awhile, I felt ready to work on myself and get my life back so I changed to Roadie, which reflected my very productive, theatrical period in life and my love of road trips and travel. Now I'm Roads because I'm too old and have too many physical & mental problems to travel ... But I'm still on the road of life, trying to find the right path for me.

I'd say give it some thought and change your name--reflecting who you are, also allowing for some healing and fulfilling movement in your future.

I'm a bipolar alcoholic. I was about your age when I evolved from drinker to alkie (I see that in retrospect ... had my first blackout then but didn't have a clue I was addicted). I was also using pot and peyote. I was in graduate school in the 1960s & realized I could happily spend my life tripping, especially with peyote, then philosophizing and writing. Of course, the odds of supporting myself (or staying healthy & living a long life) were slim. I quit the peyote & pot. Alcohol is legal, so I stuck with that. Of course a psycho-drug is a psycho-drug is a psycho-drug. I left college with a PhD in two fields and a full-blown alcohol addiction.

Mostly I maintenance-drank, and managed to get and keep a good job as a college prof with promotions & raises ... change careers to theatre lighting in Las Vegas/Reno/Lake Tahoe with acclaim, money, and working shows like Willie Nelson, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis, Jr. Then I hit the proverbial wall, and was blessed with a best friend who gathered together all the pieces of me and stayed with me, helping me get sober and whole and strong again.

I'm going on forever here because, although I'm an advocate of legalizing pot, a psycho-drug truly IS a psycho-drug, regardless which of them is your drug of choice.

Why did you drop out of college? Why, at 24, are you living at home with parents who treat you like you're 12? I suggest that you're in a "their house their rules" situation, because it provides shelter and a phony sense of safety. I say phony because while you've got physical security it's in exchange for mental and emotional abuse. Mentally you are not functioning as a 24-year old, which is why your parents see/treat you as their young child, their dependent. Your preference for older men may irk your mom, but if you were a functioning adult living your own life that would be her problem and not yours.

If i were in a situation like yours, I'd get sober, get a job and advance in it. Make it top priority, save every dollar and when you're doing well, pay sometime toward your parents expenses. ASAP, get your own home, your own life.

If addiction isn't a problem for you, maybe you can consider some recreational use of pot (it's gonna be legal many places before long I think), but therapy throughout all your self-care would help you make a wise decision about this and other options.

I feel for you because you've gotten yourself stuck in a double dependency--on pot and on your parents--that will take all the fortitude and perseverance you can muster. Find/make sober friends if possible, as soon as you can--maybe from work. Do some volunteer work till your job happens. Get out in the community and read to old folks, help out at a pet shelter, tutor/mentor kids from a local elementary or middle school.

This is a great site to rant, whine, cry, laugh, and build a support system. I wouldn't still be alive if it were for PsychCentral, its forums, and a handful of people who've become friends--the sort who are always nearby, won't let me give up, get me from morning to afternoon and one day to the next. It's been about 1000 days for me now, and I'm grateful I'm up and on the Road (again) today.

You're obviously smart and perceptive. Your posts reveal what you need to do to heal and grow, so you know what to do even if it seems too overwhelming. Baby steps. Just take baby steps, and know you don't have to do any of this alone.

Roads

[Hellion]

I actually live with my mom and her boyfriend, so not both parents...my dad treats me more as an adult though he has issues of his own and what not so not exactly someone who's example I should follow

My mom actually got married when she was 16 to a guy who was 25, that was legal in the state at the time with parental consent. I mean I have one friend who's a male twice my age and he has said he finds me attractive and we have talked about that but he respects that I am not intrested in having an intimate relationship and that is in general because I think the issues I have would get in the way of that with anyone so we are just friends...but I know sometimes my mom thinks we're more than that which wouldn't really matter but its simply not the case.

But yeah sometimes I've drank because I feel like i have to because in general I come off a bit unusual and have been judged for that in the past. But obviously if I befriend someone while drinking there is a good chance once sobering up has been done they'd be judgemental...or they might end up being manipulative. Or just to feel better or feel numb when I'm upset or angry about something or to numb PTSD symptoms and sometimes due to feeling self destructive and not caring which tends to come with depression and PTSD. First time I dropped out of college I was drinking too much and abusing other drugs...some was more genuine wanting to experience new things and what not I think most people experiment a bit at some point but a lot of times I over did it with things. I was tripping on mushrooms way to often for like a month during that time and at least with psychedelics or in my case the trips tend to get unpleasant if you're abusing them which leads you to stop. But yeah at the time I was in denial about having PTSD, sort of self medicating it and being self destructive without knowing why....I got somewhat invalidated about possibly having PTSD when i first tried getting help for it so I tried to supress it and ignore it so it would go away on its own. But yeah so after that I moved back home, tried finding work which didn't work out and was really upsetting because the one interview I did get didn't work out at all and so I decided I'd try and go back to college but part time community college....which I still couldn't handle. The ptsd has to do with a lockdown situation and so being in a classroom setting tends to make me very anxious and hard to focus especially if there is any noise coming from the hall way so that is a major reason I seem unable to cope with that also though I've had a hard time concentrating on reading since I developed the PTSd symptoms so that also doesn't help with college. But yeah I do plan to stop with drinking....cannabis is legal in my state and I find that tends to help things but doesn't make me all irrational and I don't go overboard with it like alcohol...and sometimes if I have thoughts of suicide it mellows those out so I can talk myself out of it, and let it pass without doing anything stupid. I want to look into legitimately getting it for medical reasons, there are studies that indicate it can help some people with PTSD and in moderation as opposed to excessive use can relieve depression symptoms and reduce anxiety.

I am currently on SSI because of PTSD as well as severe depression, anxiety and I have aspergers syndrome(which on its own perhaps would not be so problematic) so I will need a lot of help with that to become close to being able to function on a job. Don't think I would ever make it in the corporate world for instance, and wouldn't really want to either but yeah I do want to get help with issues I have and hopefully improve my mental health enough to make income on my own. As for now can't really afford to move out of my moms house. I also can't save ever dollar, since if i have anymore than 2,000 dollars in my account at once I can get kicked of of SSI but I need that and the medicaid to have a chance of getting proper help.

I was thinking of volunteering at an animal shelter and maybe try to find if there is any sort of group therapy or support groups in my area for people that might have some simular issues....because the CBT a couple times a month isn't really enough.

I think an animal shelter is a great idea especially if you have an interest in vet type careers and can't earn money. If you are near Westminster and don't have anything in mind I know a tiny one where you would have the chance to try everything.... Cat wise. My lovely kitty spent at least two years there. (nobody takes the older ones.) There is one person there with a learning disability and the owner is walking distance so you have support. You might like how tiny is the only thing.

Sounds like a good plan.



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