[ShyOne]

For the past couple months I have allowed myself to just slide downhill and not think twice about it. Since I had surgery I have kept myself so busy that I haven't had time to breathe, I even went back to work before being cleared by my doctor. In doing so, I am working 6 12 hour days, I have started my classes again, and I have been so sick.

I feel so very alone in this world, like no one even notices that I am standing or sitting next to them. My husband doesn't care, all that I am to him is piece of a*s that he can have when he wants it and it doesn't matter if I say no or not. I want to so badly throw in the towel and just never wake up again, I pray for that every night. But yet here i sit in my own little pity party for myself. Who would even miss me to begin with? I have no family that I can turn to and my best friend took her own life. Who does that leave? Me to carry all this alone as always. I'm not strong enough to do this alone anymore, I don't want to anymore. Yea, I have people that I have met that say they care but when it comes down to it and I open up and start talking to them, they run away. Even in support communities such as this one I have heard that so many times. Yet there is no one there. So why do I bother. Why can't I just give up on myself? I honestly believe that this world would be better off if I were not a part of it anymore. No one would miss me or even know that I was gone.

[Pats fan]

Leave your husband..ASAP and goto somewhere you will be cared for

[TheOriginalMe]

I'm not sure that I can say anything to help, but I have read what you have to say and I am truly sorry that you are having such a hard time.

You need to give yourself some time and space, to recover from your surgery and to grieve for the loss of your friend. Based on what you have written about your husband, he is abusing you and I think you would be better off without someone who treats you like that. Is there anywhere you can go or stay where you will be safe? Perhaps you could contact a women's refuge or support group.

I know you feel that you've been let down, but there are people on this site who care and who will offer whatever support and advice they can.

[Rohag]

Wow.

ShyOne, I read a few of your previous posts and quickly lost track of all the losses, traumas and stresses you have had and continue to have. I'm sorry, and "sorry" doesn't come close.

Originally Posted by ShyOne

For the past couple months I have allowed myself to just slide downhill...

You allowed yourself? My impression is that life has overcome your own exceptional resilience and is forcing you down.

I want to say you need a real rest, but I fear that resting will allow the memories to overwhelm you. Is that the case?

***greatly concerned***

[ShyOne]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Wow.

ShyOne, I read a few of your previous posts and quickly lost track of all the losses, traumas and stresses you have had and continue to have. I'm sorry, and "sorry" doesn't come close.

You allowed yourself? My impression is that life has overcome your own exceptional resilience and is forcing you down.

I want to say you need a real rest, but I fear that resting will allow the memories to overwhelm you. Is that the case?

***greatly concerned***

I have lost my grand father that was my protector when I was young, both my best friends, a brother that took his own life, a daughter, a co-worker that was a wonderful young man and a girl that that adopted me as a "mom" when her mom turned her back on her. I can't handle anymore loss.

Right now life is beating me down, I want to throw in the towel. But if I continue to live then live is going to beat me anyway because my time is limited. So why do I stay around knowing that I am going to die anyway? What is the difference between me ending it or moving to a state where there is a die with dignity law? I don't see a difference. My downward spiral is spinning out of control at this point and I can't get it to stop spinning.

As far as me leaving my husband ASAP? Abuse is all that I have known all my life. He is calm compared to everything else I have faced. It is not easy to leave the love of your life after 20 years. I know that it would help my mood, however I know that I will not make it on my own. At least this way he will get my insurance money to pay off the house and whatever else he wants or needs to do. Right now I think I am as low as I can get. All that I can do is cry and pray that I don't have to wake up to another day like I have had today. I can't do these days anymore

[blackflaggnz]

I started to find someone with I can share my feelings and feel like I have someone out there who cares about me. Do you have skype? We can chat anytime and I hope that I can enlighten your mood Feeling alone and feeling worthless is because you don't have someone to express your feelings and talk to. Just my wild guess...

[Fuzzybear]

[ShyOne]

Yes I have Skype and there is no one that cares anymore. I am finding out that walking this path alone is the best. Why bother others with me when I don't care what happens to me anymore?

[Lemon Curd]

I agree.
Away, from the abuser is key.
You will meet & make more caring & understanding friends at a Women's Care Center, support group, shelter. You need other women who know exactly what you are going through.
Stay strong & do not give up.
You are worth it.
You are special.
*big warm friendship hug*

[blackflaggnz]

You're the one who counts! Always remember this : YOU are the one who is taking care of yourself, who knows you the best, and...who can get you out of this. Not by suicide. Suicide is only for the weak. You, getting on this forum showed that you still have the power to take the first steps of getting yourself out of this sorrow and live like you always wanted. Send me a pm if you want to get in touch with me on skype. It will be my pleasure