[AnIslandNeverCries]

Sometimes I doubt myself that I really have depression, I think it's just the way I am. But reality always comes back to me and I'm back in the darkness. Except for less than an hour a week, I keep all the dark thoughts inside. I don't even remember who my "old self" was anymore. It's just me who I am now, on this dark path that leads to no way out. No one knows all these thoughts that are in my mind most of the day. I don't feel like a regular person anymore. I'm not. It sucks to be who I am now but don't believe I'll ever be "normal" again. On the outside to most everyone I still am though. I don't have much hope that I will ever get off of this dead end path.

Hi, I understand how you feel. I feel with this depression that I'm not myself - - I'm an imposter imprisoning my true self. I do have hope that I'll return to my real self some day though . . .

[Altered Moment]

Originally Posted by AnIslandNeverCries

Sometimes I doubt myself that I really have depression, I think it's just the way I am. But reality always comes back to me and I'm back in the darkness. Except for less than an hour a week, I keep all the dark thoughts inside. I don't even remember who my "old self" was anymore. It's just me who I am now, on this dark path that leads to no way out. No one knows all these thoughts that are in my mind most of the day. I don't feel like a regular person anymore. I'm not. It sucks to be who I am now but don't believe I'll ever be "normal" again. On the outside to most everyone I still am though. I don't have much hope that I will ever get off of this dead end path.

I think it would be helpful to tell someone all these dark thoughts. Someone safe and non judgemental. You will find all the people here accepting, understanding, and non judgemental. I don't know if you want to post all those thoughts in a public forum but you are anonymous here. I am thinking more like a therapist.

It is not helping you keeping all those thoughts to yourself.

[Frankbtl]

Hi AnIslandNeverCries, it sounds to me that maybe the way you're feeling is more getting in the way of you being able to be who you are as opposed to reflecting who you are.
It must be really hard for you struggling with/or being unable to struggle with the feelings which sound like they're almost consuming you, and the distance/isolation from others must make it so much harder.
But do you think that maybe you could share the way you've been feeling with someone/anyone in your life? Let it out? Afterall it has to be tough having those feelings "bottled up" inside you. And it can be really hard coping with those feelings without the support of others.
And right now it might be really hard/almost impossible (?) to imagine life differently, so to hope for that..........well, I can see where you're coming from. But maybe if you focus more on the smaller ways it can just be a little better for you to begin with. Smaller goals, one step at a time. And if there's just one/two things....once a week/every other week for now that might help a little, it all counts, it's all a step in the direction you want to be going in. Even if they begin by feeling a bit insignificant, even if it takes real energy to achieve at first.......
But to kick off....talk to someone a bit about the way you're feeling??? And let them be there for you along the way. It may take time (it may take a lot of time) but everything has to start somewhere, right?
If you want to talk a bit more though......we're here as well.........

Alison

& WELCOME to PC!!! You're going to find a lot of great people here who can identify with/understand the way you're feeling and offer you great advice/support.

[AnIslandNeverCries]

Thanks for the replies. I do have a therapist but less than an hour a week is not very long to get things out. It does help that I have at least that, someone to talk to. I have not completely opened up to my therapist, but I can tell her things I can't tell anyone else. It's hard to keep these things inside all the time. How can you tell your family members that you think of not being there anymore, all the time. Every day I think how much better the world would be without me. I've already failed in my life in so many ways, and see nothing for me in the future. As a matter of fact, I don't see myself there at all. Even with medication, I think this way all the time. I was hoping it would get better, but so far it hasn't. Once in a while I get a moment where I feel "ok", but then it passes by. Reality always comes back to me and nothing really changes. It's just me, my thoughts and I. My thoughts are negative and I feel nothing but dark, empty and lonely. There is no one I feel connected to, not even in my family. I'm just here existing and I'm tired of living this way.

[Altered Moment]

Originally Posted by AnIslandNeverCries

Thanks for the replies. I do have a therapist but less than an hour a week is not very long to get things out. It does help that I have at least that, someone to talk to. I have not completely opened up to my therapist, but I can tell her things I can't tell anyone else. It's hard to keep these things inside all the time. How can you tell your family members that you think of not being there anymore, all the time. Every day I think how much better the world would be without me. I've already failed in my life in so many ways, and see nothing for me in the future. As a matter of fact, I don't see myself there at all. Even with medication, I think this way all the time. I was hoping it would get better, but so far it hasn't. Once in a while I get a moment where I feel "ok", but then it passes by. Reality always comes back to me and nothing really changes. It's just me, my thoughts and I. My thoughts are negative and I feel nothing but dark, empty and lonely. There is no one I feel connected to, not even in my family. I'm just here existing and I'm tired of living this way.

That is great you have a T. It can take time to build trust and open up fully. I ended up totally opening up to my family even about the suicidal thought. It was my last resort. I was about to become homeless. Thank god they have been very very supportive and have learned a lot about the best ways to help and so on. It is very hard on my parents. They say it is not but it has to be. They understand and have accepted it. I have a long term disease. Even my dad says that.

It is not unusual to think about suicide everyday. I have been there many times. You are definitely not alone in what you are going through. Read a bunch of the posts in this section.

Don't give up hope. Even on meds. I have finally after 20 years found a med combo that is working better than anything ever has. I don't know how long it will last.

[Frankbtl]

Hi AnIslandNeverCries, it is really good that you've got a T and it sounds like you're making progress with her in managing to open up to her. Is there anything in particular stopping you from telling her more of what's going on for you though? Or anything you think would help in you doing that?
As for the periods in between seeing her, does she set you any homework/tasks/challenges/coping resources? If not maybe it's worth talking to her about.
It sounds like you're feeling really alone in this between sessions, which has to be hard. But do you think you could "let it out" in a journal, then maybe share this with your T? As your time with her is relatively short this may give her a bit more insight into some of the thoughts/feelings you might find it hard to discuss.
And perhaps try a help/crisisline, to give you a bit more support?? while things are this hard for you. It can take time and support to begin moving more past the way you're feeling but that's not to say it can't be done, just try to share as much as you can and try to reach out for the support that is out there (and here!! )
Alison