[bgngm1298]

Hey Everyone:

Ever been so bewildered, frustrated, disgusted and depressed with where you are in life and what is going on that you feel as though you've lost your voice? I feel as though no matter how much talking I do or how loud I get (which I do not do) no one can hear me.

I have posted here before with a little of my story but I'll repost so any readers can understand where I'm coming from.

First of all, I grew up in a middle class home with my mother, my father, my older brother and my younger sister. Here’s a little bit about them.

My mother has not worked in over 35 years, she does not appreciate very much in life and she feels as though she deserves to have the world given to her for no apparent reason.

My father has worked beyond hard for as long as I can remember, he loves his family and he has always been a relatively fair man.

My older brother was/is an alcoholic whom I like to regard as a bomb ready to blow up at any given moment for little or no reason at all.

And finally, my younger sister is spoiled beyond belief, can do no wrong, does not appreciate much in life, believes that she deserves to have the world given to her for no apparent reason and really lives a very disturbing lifestyle. If you’re wondering why I say that she lives a very disturbing lifestyle read below, but just as a side note, I kid you not when I say that she is convinced that my daughter is her own.

I attended 11 of my 12 years of schooling at a private school, I played multiple sports for at least 6 of those years and I had a fair amount of as I like to call them, “come and go friends”. At the time I thought I was living what most would consider being a “normal” run of the mill life but after looking back years later I came to the realization that I was verbally, emotionally and physically abused by not only friends and peers but also family. If you wondering why I feel that I was abused it is due to the fact that I can remember being made fun of due to my appearance by not only young and immature kids but also by my family. I can also remember being physically kicked, hit and thrown backwards against the corner of a wooden waterbed frame just to mention a handful of experiences by my brother. I was expected to live an honorable, highly moral; ladylike life and what disturbs me extremely badly is that those morals and expectations are not being imposed upon my younger sister. Almost two years ago she met a guy and got pregnant by him within a month of knowing him. As she tells the story, she miscarried and the pregnancy ended, however in doing all of the research that I’ve done, I think I’ve learned otherwise. I believe that she ended the pregnancy on her own, which if a woman decides to do so it is their choice BUT considering the way that we were brought up it is not acceptable to fix a mistake by taking a life. Now, don’t you think that after having made the mistake that she did almost two years ago, she’d grow up and make better decisions? I would have thought so, but apparently not because just a month or so ago thanks to technology she was sitting at the computer with the webcam on at the house where her and my parents reside chatting with both myself and her *new* fiancé whom is currently stationed in Iraq when apparently she forgot that I was watching and she stripped right there online. I’m not saying that people don’t conduct themselves in behaviors of this manner but she did this with no regard as to who could see her. He was in a huge communication room where many other Marines were and she could have cared less. Anyway, enough about that side of the story!

11.5 years ago I met my husband and we married 3.5 years later. Marrying him has by far been the best thing I’ve ever done with my life due to the fact that he is such a good man and has turned out to be such a good father to our 4.5 year old daughter. The only problem is that he has one MAJOR and one minor fault. First of all, he is a spend-a-holic and he has pressured me into making an insane amount of purchases landing us in debt over $75,000.00. His next fault is that he needs to be on Paxil CR to help control his irritability but after forgetting to take it for several days in a row, he now he feels as though he doesn’t need it anymore, but I see otherwise. Finally, his third fault is that he is not a romantic individual. Now granted, I know that he was this way prior to marrying him but I honestly believe that if he just thought of me periodically throughout the day maybe he’d think to write me a quick note to say, “I Love You” or pick up something small when out shopping for other items. Regarding his addiction to spending, I have firmly addressed the problem with him and he has gotten much much better about controlling himself. Unfortunately as a result of the spending, I have to work extremely hard running my own home-based daycare caring for other people’s children which is no easy task in and of itself and I am trying not to be bitter about it but it is very hard. Thankfully he has accepted the mess that he created and as a result he picks up overtime at work to help make ends meet but things are still extremely tight around here (financially speaking).

Taking all of this into consideration, I think I am going to go completely crazy. I need help! Any words of support and/or suggestions that any of you might have would be welcomed with open arms and ears!

Take care,

Gina

[gwen26]

HI,
i'm sorry to hear that you are swamped with so many issues. it can be difficult at times to be concerned about your family.
just some words of advice:
we can not make someone change. for instance your sister will continue to be how she is unless she wants to change and your hubsand, the romantic thing, you might as well not even argue the point with him. men see things differnet than a woman. we think romance is a nice night out with your spouse and they see taking the trash out and making a living is romantic!!!??
remember we can only change ourselves. maybe look at some poistive qualites about your spouse and sister and see if that will not help.
gwen

[Boopers]

Hi Gina,

Hon, bless your heart, I can tell in your email that you are a very cary person.
You tend to take on everyone else's problems, IMHO.
You are doing a job that is very stressful, being the "mother", the "father", the "doctor", the "entertainer" to these children.
I commend you for it. It's definitely not an easy job.
I am happy to hear that your husband is picking up extra work to help pay for the debts that he has incurred and I realize that especially, now a days, it takes two incomes to make it in this world.
I wish you had someone close you could talk to about these problems but it sounds like your days are filled with fixing snacks and changing diapers.
I understand why you feel this way. I am sorry you are struggling so.
If nothing else, you have this forum to come to when you feel things are closing in on you and I do know you feel this way.
We will always be here for you and try and help with whatever we can. Even if it's just lending an ear.
I wish you all the best and know that I care.
Linda

[PaulS]

1. Obviously your problems are real, not in your imagination
2. Obviously you are already doing manythings right to survive.
3. Appreciate yourself

4. I am th identified patient. I have had 20 years for my loved ones to figure how to work with me to help me. They still haven't got it, but at leastthey care.
5. It sounds as though yuou care, and tht couints for something.

6. I am caretaker for my 90 year old father. He's like your husband in one respect- he wants to make his problem my fault. When he and I remember differently he assumes it is my memory that is wrong. It is exhaustingto be a caregiver. Worse than a parent, because the person won't give up control to you like a child must.

7. An enabler is nota caretaker. An enabler does the same things, but they needto havethe problem continue so they can be needed.

8. In any case, your own survival is crucial. If you go down your husband goes down.

9. Try to not go crazy. Think about small changes that will help you survive. Small changes add up. Not baby steps. Small changes can just be small things in themselves. For example, you could startcancelling creditcards one at a time.

10. It is a bad scene to have to getpeople to take their medicine. It is the mirror image of getting a drinker to not drink. I don't know what works, but you might look at what is not working. Have you called his doctor?

11. If he isn'tplaying fair, why are you? It is an excellentchoice notto stoop to his level, but choose it on purpose so yo can feel good aboutyourself tht you are the better person, in spite of his attempts to convince you otherwise.

12. When I am irritable I believe the world andother people have become irritating. I really don't know there has been a change in me. When it is something thatreally is irritating - like small childlren- I may never admit the problem is with me.

13. Avaoid being irritating aand you can be sure the problem is him and not you. Might give you some satisfaction.

14. Didn't know I had all this. Sorri ifit is too much.

[PaulS]

Deer B:
What doesn't make us stronger - does it kill us? No suicidal/death stuff, please.