Slammed

Depression is made up of a lot of emotions and there is no doubt in my mind that emotions effect people physiologically. On the opposite realm a simple smile takes more muscles than a frown. It causes a reaction in your face which effects your mood. It is also impossible to look at somebody with a genuine smile and not have the sides of your mouth go up. I think it is inward anger that causes low back pain and outward anger that causes upper back pain. I don't know what the definition except in the clinical sense but the feelings are normal, IMO. Love. Is that a mood or emotion? Or both. Or neither? I'm not even going to look it up because I don't care to define it that much . If depression is a mixture of emotions bouncing around then love is too and I don't think that is abnormal in general. Just like depression it can be dysfunctional however.

I brought it up because of this statement:
"I seem to be coming out of it and returning to my moderate to mildly depressed self which is my norm. I have had to learn to live with that. I can at least function although I get really tired of forcing myself to do things. I would much rather want to do things. I am back on the upward swing."

The language "upward swing" is a little like riding the wave. I am asking you to consider that your mind was doing a little self protecting. It is rather hard to self reflect when your brain is in hyper drive. Maybe it was giving you a message. The part about numbness... In grief we experience numbness at times. That said, your medication's purpose is numbness.

Bummer about the IRS. I had a bill last year for something I didn't know about but I did owe it. Now the state wants their cut.

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I am not really clear on what you are saying about my statement. When I say "coming out of it" or on the "upward swing", I am talking about getting over what triggered that short term situational depression. I don't know what you mean about self protecting or giving me a message. An issue triggered and emotional response and I worked through it and started feeling better. It is that simple.

I have never bought that medication makes you numb. It doesn't make me numb. Depression makes me numb. My normal self long before meds was a very flat affect. When I am in a severe depression I am numb. When I am not in a depression I feel a pretty wide range of emotions at least for me compared to before meds. For example since I started on Fetzima I have cried a lot. I let myself cry. It feels good. I never cry in a depression. Yes emotions and moods can have a profound effect of physiology. I will say again that in my case when in a severe cyclical depression it is the opposite. It is physiological. A switch gets triggered in my brain and it becomes dysfunctional. I get very physical symptoms. My mood goes way down hill as a result. But it is not some underlying emotional issue as cause. Of course they both effect eachother.

What I call my normal mild to moderate all the time depression is really a comparison to societies norm. My ability to function compared to others ability to function. Being tired a lot hard to get motivated. Takes a lot of effort to get over the energy of activation hump. Don't often feel joy or happiness but do feel a lot of contentment. Maybe it is not accurate to call that mild or moderate depression and maybe it is just my personality. Doesn't matter I just know my normal is lower than the mean for society.

Love is pretty hard to define. I don't think it is a mood or emotion but that it effects mood and emotion. Love is often and act. I think it belongs on a higher plane. Is forgiveness a mood or emotion, I don't think so. It is an act and comes from someplace deeper.

It wasn't your first thought. This thread started with looking at the meds. I would ask myself if I remembered to take them. Check. Then what has been going on in my life. You went straight to asking what's wrong with them.

I think I realized why I critical think my treatment and the industry today. Years ago I had lower back problems. Sometimes I literally could not walk. Other times I'd being walking sideways for weeks at a time. It would go out every couple months and went on for several years. I would end up in the dr or the ER and they would give me Tylenol with codeine. It would relax my muscles and I'd be ok for a few weeks. I tried swimming, stretching, yoga, Pilates, cycling. Pilates came the closest but none were a fix. The last doctor told me one leg was about 2 inches shorter and that is why. He said I was born that way which sounded weird to me. You'd think I would have noticed.

Luckily he sent me to a physical therapist at the broncos clinic (or whatever it's called). First day she could see my leg was pushed up into my thigh and pulled it out. 2 inches fixed. A few months later... It really looked like I was going to regularly have somebody pull that leg. But she saw me walking, asked me some questions and it was ding, ding, ding! I had been taught to walk by my mother who is disfigured and walks prone. I have been walking incorrectly my entire life. Your skeleton can compensate for only so long and then it gets tired. So I started walking the way she showed me. I have to do it mindfully because I am correcting something I have been doing for most of my life. I still walk with purpose. I have not thrown my back in years.

Not to go off topic but I think that is why I approach the meds and drs with a highly critical eye. I've seen it work. I approach all treatments with a critical eye, btw. Not just the western ones. I want something common sensical to back it up.

Studies and doctors all told me I would always have issues with my back. And I probably will eventually unless I keep going with Pilates and other core strengthening exercises. But the gap is much longer than anticipated. I'm sure it would not have been too long before I had some med. But I got lucky with that therapist who used a little observation and common sense. There's a guy at work who walks just like I did. He is athletic but he totally believes this is his life now. His therapist told him to think of a string out the top of his head but he can't remember. It drives me nuts that I know that walking heel to toe mindfully is so much easier to remember and he'll have a string growing out of his head in no time. Alas, I mentioned it and I can do no more. Who am I to know? I'm about 15 years younger after all.

Here's my point... The reason my back would get tight was because it was protecting my side. If I do an exercise that requires major balance like ball work or ballet tone I get these little messages of pain and I know my core is not strong enough. That's how the body works. The mind and body work together. I think that depression like what you experienced is a message. When we get depressed what do we do? We retreat in one way or another. We leave whatever is bothering us whether it is conscious or not. That is a chance to reflect on what is going on before you go back into life. A chance to figure out how to react. Unfortunately our culture isn't always accommodating but that is another thing.

The MDD is way more intense and debilitating. I'm referring more to this week. The next time this happens, instead of reacting with "slammed" right off the bat why not ask what it is that your mind wants to retreat from? You might not know the answer and yes, it could be that deeper depression but would it hurt to ask?

Friday! Not proofreading as much as I should because I road my bike to work twice this week and did Pilates once. I am wiped! And I want some of my homemade avocado ice cream

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I think that is exactly what I did. The initial "Slammed" and mentioning the meds was my initial reaction and thinking out loud. If you read the whole thread you will see that I did reflect on what the cause was and processed it with a good result. When you initially get slammed with something you don't sit back and reflect and figure it out all at once. It is a process. I went through that process in public right here. There are a number of posts that explain the process I went through.

I do not think it is fair to suggest that just because my initial reaction was slammed that I should have immediately been able to sit back and reflect. Of course it was telling me something and it took me a few days to figure out and process. All good.

The IRS think is sort of similar but it was very obvious what the trigger was. It didn't trigger a depression but easily could have since financial issues are a huge trigger for me. It did trigger a huge amount of anxiety...through the roof. Luckily I am in a good enough space I was able to deal with it. In spite of the anxiety I spent all day on the computer and phone yesterday figuring it out. The best solution is my sister who is a CPA is going to negotiate and offer in compromise. The IRS told me on the phone that they would not continue to go after me. Today my anxiety is totally gone. If I wasn't doing good on meds my normal reaction would have been to ignore the whole situation out of shame and go hide in bed in a depression.

Zinco I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. Sometimes it's hard to be around family, especially on holidays. I have done the same thing, I compare myself to family members who are smarter, happier, and have better jobs than I have and it makes me feel low. To top it off all my in-laws are perfectionists. I have a more loud and laid back personality so I really don't click with them. Of course on most holidays I end up being around my in-laws. My parents passed away 4 years ago. My brother began to act ugly and anti-social when they got sick so in a way, I feel like I lost a family when my parents died. And yes, it is hard for others to understand depression if they have not experienced the illness for themselves. I think I have worn out every friend I ever had with my depression. Hang in there.