Slammed

This is very bizzare to me and I have never experienced it before. I have been doing great for a little over a month due to my new meds. Fetzima and Lamictal. Totally knocked out the deep depression I had been in for so long. I thought finally I had found something that worked. It was going great.

Then all of a sudden Sunday afternoon on Easter the depression came crashing back like getting hit upside the head with a brick. My family was all together for the whole weekend. I should point out that over the past two years they have been very loving and supportive around all the problems I have had with depression. I would be homeless without them. They have done their best to understand it. Before I was in CA my whole life and they were never really around me to see what i was going through. The last five years they have seen it up close and I know it has been hard for them but they have been very supportive and understanding.

I can't possibly think of what could have triggered this brick in the head. I figure it has to related to my family being here all weekend but I can't really put my finger on it. I am kind of pissed that no one really inquired how I was really doing and what I have been going through, but it is an uncomfortable subject for them I guess. I do feel isolated from them even when I was doing so good. No way can they ever understand what it is truly like and I don't expect them to. I think the main problem is they all have kids and families and are doing pretty good financially and have good jobs and all that. I can't help comparing myself to them and I just don't live up. I am living at my parents and don't have a job or any income and feel like a total loser. They all have good lives they are living and things to look forward to etc etc.

I am the black sheep of the family and always have been but this is the worse condition financially and job wise I have ever been in. At least I was self sufficient my whole life.

So it is either somehow family triggered or it is just my depression switch turned back on. When I come out of one I am usually good for 4 or 5 months. I don't see how the meds could have just stopped working in an instant.

I can't afford therapy right now or I would go. So I have to use these forums.

Hi Zinco: Well, as I think you may be aware... I'm kind-of in a similar place right now depression-wise. I got slammed yesterday morning. Then, yesterday evening & today, a large dose of anxiety climbed on as well. My hands have been shaking all day. I don't know where the sudden spike in depression came from yesterday. It just all of a sudden was here.

I'd have to say that, for me, having a large family gathering would throw me into a sea of depression & anxiety. I don't have any family except my wife. And I'm pretty much a solitary by nature. So just the thought of a family gathering gives me the willies.

It's SO difficult to know where these emotional spikes come from. And, at least for me, trying to figure this out for any given situation just seems to add to my distress.

I don't have a T either & no one IRL to talk to. So I just end up eating my misery. It sounds like you're doing the same. I hope you can find your way through to the other side of this episode. It sounds like, if you can just hang on, you'll be in pretty good shape again on the other side. I'd suggest to keep posting. Posting helps me. (Part of the reason I use all of the smilies is that fiddling with them, is sort-of calming similar to hair-pulling or skin picking (both of which I also do.)

zinco

Zinco, I'm sorry to hear things have taken a turn for the worst. You're right, it doesn't seem like the meds could stop working overnight. I have experience with depression being turned on like a switch though. For me, it was a Sunday morning in early August that I was hit with a wave of depression, and it has only gotten worse since then.

Please don't feel like a loser. I'm not working now either because I'm too mentally ill. We have to accept that depression is a disease that we continually have to fight, just like cancer or something. Or in your case, I know you've come to believe that when depression hits you, as it does quite cyclicly (a word?) for you, you just have to ride it out and know that it will pass.

Ha cyclically is a word. Or a least that version just made it past the spell check. And mine are very cyclical. This time it just doesn't fit the pattern. I slept most of the day which is not good but I am feeling a little better at the moment. Maybe it was triggered and I will get over it.

Zinco, last week you were pretty wired. Plus when you get ready for a big celebration it can be overwhelming. Could it be you have simply crashed? Perhaps you could be a little easier on yourself and continue to let it flow through for a few days?

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It is possible I just crashed. The thing is though even though I was wired a lot I was still sleeping good. Well as good as it gets for me which isn't great. But I was getting enough sleep.

I have been thinking about it and using my little self therapy techniques and I really think it has to do with feeling totally isolated from my siblings. It is not their fault at all. It is me comparing myself to them. In fact I am very grateful and fortunate to have them all.

I have been grappling with my life situation and trying to accept it for the last year and a half. I am not there yet. I think being around my sibs and neices and nephews just kind of threw the whole thing in my face. It is very difficult going from working and having a good job and being self sufficient my whole life to getting fired and going into a six month long depression and feeling like my only option was to apply for SSI.

And I don't have much of a support network anymore. I have my family and friends and a pdoc. But no one who really understands. I have one friend who is bipolar and we talk a lot but she has really never had enough treatment to know how to help or what to say. She is on like 6 meds and drinks 15 beers a night. She is still heavily self medicating and does not have a lot of awareness. I need someone who also has severe depression for many years and has had a lot of treatment for it.

Thats a large part of the reason I feel so isolated from my sibs. I can't really talk to them about it. None of them even brought the subject up. I can talk to my brother about meds because he is a pharmacist but it doesn't go deeper than that.

It is a very lonely disease. I think I will talk to my 15 beer friend. I know she at least understands it.

Zinco, I am sorry that you are feling bad but maybe it is jst a glitch? You said that you have spent time over the weekend with your family. I know we all do it, measure ourselves againt others especially our family. Maybe that could be weighing you down. We cant compare ourselves as it can be soul destroying and although I know you love tham as have beeen very supportive, you still see yourself as a black sheep. That is so not true. You can always pm me anytime you like. I understand its not the same but might help a little. Take care of yourself.

My T sometimes says it takes a lot of courage to move into the pain. We want to run and hide from it but maybe giving yourself permission to feel it is one way to get through it.

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I guess I am comparing myself to them to a certain degree and I am a little pissed that they did not bring up the subject of how am I doing. But that is not really the issue.

I think the issue is that being around them brought up in my face my current situation and the fact that I really haven't accepted it. I have accepted the depression but not really how it has totally effected my life these last two years. Like I said going from being totally self supporting my whole life to sitting here totally dependent on my parents is a hard pill to swallow. I know it is not my fault and the depression just totally kicked my butt. I start feeling good and I totally forget how bad things were and start feeling guilty and think my life should all be fixed and I should be doing this and that. Shoulding myself to death. I am going to have to accept the way things are.

Zinco, I have only one brother and I find myself comparing my life to his often and feeling very inadequate too. I went from being a self-sufficient, thriving attorney to now not being able to hold down a job. If it weren't for my husband, I would be in a dire situation. My brother doesn't have a mental illness and is thriving and very busy.

I can talk to my brother and sister-in-law about my current depression - - at least for a while. Then it seems they either don't know what to say or are sick off hearing about it because when I bring the subject up in an email, it now goes ignored.

I'm glad to hear you think your current "episode" may be just situational. Talking about it on here may help you to get some mood improvement, i.e., hopefully it is not the vicious cycle at work.

I seem to be coming out of it and returning to my moderate to mildly depressed self which is my norm. I have had to learn to live with that. I can at least function although I get really tired of forcing myself to do things. I would much rather want to do things. I am back on the upward swing.

I have to apologize to my friend. I have been talking to her on private message on facebook and she has been very helpful. And sorting things out on the forum is really helpful.

I learned in AA along time ago that family is great for support if you have it but you can't rely on them to be your primary support. It is not fair to them. They are too wrapped up in it emotionally and besides they can't really understand unless they have it. My sibs are just uncomfortable about it and don't know what to say. My parents have been great but it is not fair to burden them all the time.

I guess we really have to get past this comparing thing. The reality is that depression is a very lonely debilitating disease. Our cross to bear.

Thanks for all the support!!!

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Thank you for sharing, anyway

I hope you don't mind a challenge. When is depressed situational? Something to experience instead of hiding from? It just seems to me this is an experience that has meaning. Just like grief it is ok to feel bad and accept it at face value instead of labeling it a disorder. You seem to have an idea of what made you sad but you still seem to treat it as a disorder to conquer. Mild or moderate types of depression have a human purpose. They drive use to act just like anger and fear and shame. Even if you are diagnosed with MDD there are still different types of depression and some of it is healthy.

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Not sure I totally agree. Let us say it was triggered by a totally situational thing which I think it was. To me in that case it is not healthy to stay mired in the depression which I do consider a disorder. To me the healthiest thing to do is to identify what the trigger was and to identify the thoughts and feelings surrounding that and not to avoid those feelings. One example is no one asked me how I was really doing (my siblings) this made me angry and underneath that sad. I didn't avoid those feelings I felt them and even talked about them. The other one was that I feel isolated from my sibs because they are financially stable and have kids and good lives ect.....comparing myself. I feel ashamed that I don't measure up. So I have to feel the shame and sadness and anger and work through it. Examine my thinking about it and change my thinking about it while not avoiding the feelings. CBT. That is my view on a small situational thing. I don't think of depression as sadness. For me it is not it is numbness...no feelings at all.

Now when it hits me totally out of the blue in my cycle for no situational reason at all that is a different story. I don't care about how it is labeled. I learned along time ago to accept it as it is and ride it out. Finding value and meaning in it and purpose is a new concept to me and one I have been working on.

I have told the story about how one time I called my AA sponsor and was complaining how depressed I was and I didn't know what to do and he listened and didn't say a word. When i was done he just said "So be depressed." A big light bulb went off. No one had ever given me permission to be depressed and I surely had never given myself permission to be depressed. From that point on I slowly learned to give myself permission to be depressed, to just accept it for what it is and live with it. There wasn't anything going to get me out of it so it was a very healthy way to deal with it for me. Honoring it, finding meaning in it, purpose in it....I am working on that.

As far as my normal mild to moderate I have learned to live with it for sure but I don't know that I have found it healthy or in what ways it may force me to act in healthy ways. I do think of it as a disorder because I do not think of it as an emotion. To me it is nothing like sadness or anger or shame. It is much more like a physical illness. That is how I experience it. The main symptoms of mild and moderate for me are lack of energy, lack of motivation, just tired. Nothing at all to do with emotion.

In a very severe depression the biggest symptoms are a total lack of energy and motivation, feeling totally numb, no emotion at all. Could easily sleep all day and often do. To me it is much more of a physical disorder than a mood or emotional disorder.

Everyone experiences depression at some point in their lives. Is that abnormal?

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http://beyondmeds.com/2011/01/30/valuedepression/

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No I don't think that is abnormal at all. But I don't think everyone experiences depression the way I experience depression at some point in their life.

Everyone experiences grief at some point in there life. But this is various stages of anger, bargaining, sadness, hurt, loneliness, denial isolation, acceptance. Even depression. It is a whole mixed up bag of emotions that you bounce back and forth between. The depression is primarily sadness and loneliness, regret and worry.

This is much different than the severe depressions I experience. Untriggered. There are no underlying deep emotional conflicts I have to resolve or walk through for most of my depressions. It is very physiological for me. Situational stuff is different.

I don't think the depression that everyone experiences is the same as severe clinical depression.

The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central

I will read the rest of it tomorrow. Just by skimming it I would largely agree. I have really been working on that the last few months. Finding value in my suffering. I have started a couple of threads about it.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...g-meaning.html
One by Keep Rolling
http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...given-you.html

Regardless of the cause I would agree we can find meaning and value in our symptoms and our suffering.

I don't think I can go along with all phenotypes being advantageous for survival. That is a rather simplistic view of evolutionary biology. Just because they exist doesn't mean they are advantageous. Are all genetic defects advantageous to human survival. I dunno. I don't think so. They might be one mutation away from something that is beneficial. There is more to evolutionary biology than natural selection. There is genetic drift, sexual attraction, random environmental mutations. And natural selection has to have something to select out. Or a very good looking women with a set of messed up genes is more likely to pass them on.

You could argue that there is no such thing as a good or bad phenotype. They are all part of evolution but that doesn't mean they are all beneficial.

I was making the point about THIS experience. Just because you have MDD doesn't mean you don't experience other kinds of depression.

I don't think there is a mood or emotion that doesn't have a purpose. Even shame has a purpose. You can talk whatever about pinkies but I think emotions are more like thumbs.

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This experience you are definitely right. The shame, anger, hurt, and sadness all have meaning and value and do force action, hopefully healthy action. I don't know about shame so much, it is pretty destructive but guilt for sure.

Maybe it is semantics but I think we define depression differently. To me it is not a mood or an emotion as I described above. I can process and work though emotions even after they have triggered a depression. This other type of depression I get I cannot process or work through or find underlying emotional conflict. That doesn't mean that there isn't value and meaning in it. It is just a different animal. A physiological one.

And now I am faced with another situation. I just found out tonight that the IRS has gone after my bank account. I thought I was totally settled with them. I haven't received a letter or anything about it. The last letter I got was like a year ago and I paid it. The problem is I think I actually owe it but I should have been notified before they took this action. It is like a total slam to the gut and ruins all the plans I had for my daughter and this summer. Financial stuff is by far my biggest trigger and huge amounts of shame around it. So I am doing my best to process this now without letting it trigger a depression. If it can go wrong it will go wrong.

So I think we agree. Emotionally based depression, anger, hurt, sadness, guilt, fear, and even my definition of depression, the so called negative emotions should be honored, accepted, and validated.

So many kids are harmed because they are not validated. They are a healthy part of human make up and condition. Our generation and older ones caught the brunt of it. Children are to be seen and not heard. Big girls don't cry. Men don't cry. Don't be so angry what is wrong with you. Shame around sexual desires and masturbation.

I learned in AA and with the steps to value all those negative emotions. It is a big part of the steps. Fear is the big one and underlays the others. Fear is the hardest to face and work though but it obviously has value. It can cause a lot of unhealthy behaviors though. Same with shame. I have a hard time with that one because it has caused me so much destruction and I have seen it cause so much in others.