[Viuam]

I am lying in bed shaking. Thinking of every single mistake I have ever made. Thinking about what lies ahead of me. There is nothing there. I have been in bed for two years total. Yet I'm a coward. The physical pain of doing it has stopped me so far. Why don't I just go for it? There is nothing, there is no one. I am so tired. I want to do it and I'm too much of a coward. Whoever said suis were cowards have no idea what they're talking about.

You are not a coward. You chose the mental pain and hang on to hope...... that is not a coward.

Gods blessings to you.

[Curupira]

You are not a coward. You are fighting and that is incredibly brave.

[gayleggg]

Each new day brings the possibility of better things. Holding on until that happens is truely hard. You are very brave for hanging in there. Have you been able to see a psychiatrist? or therapist? If no, you might consider it. Seek help. Please don't take the permanant way out.

[ToeJam]

I agree that some people's convoluted impressions on what is cowardly is pretty damn off... to end things by ones hand takes a lot of courage.... The unknown, the complications of a failed attempt and long term damage that could come with it... as well as many other factors that the ignorant would not even compute in their flippant expression of disappointment.

BUT

To keep going despite the horribleness that afflicts us, to fight the intrusive thoughts and to 'hope' even when things seem hopeless, that things will ease down/improve/cease to worry us... that takes a hell of a lot of courage too... especially when we're fighting with a faulty self preservation button that seems inate in 'normal' people.

So no, I do not deem you a coward… I see you as a fighter and I commend the fact that you’re still here to post, to share and though you may not recognise it, reaching out to* others to make your road a little steadier.

Even the bravest need the help of others now and again.

[Fuzzybear]

You're not a coward! it takes incredible strength to hold on to life, despite this amount of pain. God bless you

I agree with the posters who say you're not a coward. Sui is the easy way out. Enduring the pain and hoping for a brighter day is true grit and courage. At least that's what I try to tell myself. Keep hangin' in there. This, too, shall pass.

[scotch77]

MDD is the most brutal disease their is. You are not a coward, that is for sure. I also have MDD, along with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and it took a lot of medication and self help over time to get me functioning again. It's truly horrible and isn't your fault. I also wonder what medications you are taking and if they are working properly. A medication that is working well should provide significant relief to your symptoms. Trycyclics or MAOI's are sometimes better for severe depression. Talking with the Psychiatrist is definitely recommended, and if you don't like him/her ask for another one. They really are all different.

Take care

D

[Viuam]

Thanks all, I appreciate your support. I am reaching the end of my rope. I just had an argument with my parents because they want me to look at several universities for grad school. I am barely able to go through with one application, I cannot do several and they just don't get it. I am also staying at my brothers house in the US at the moment and I am not happy about it. They are filthy, ill mannered and they have a four year old that needs a serious spanking. He's one of those kids that doesn't get disciplined at all, so he whines and moans and talks back all day. I can't say anything either since I don't want to start an argument, which I potentially could since it's not really their house anyway but my parents. So now I have more incentive to just stay in my room. I am completely isolated in a suburb with only my thoughts to keep me company. I have pressure from all sides to "get moving" and no one understands that I can't take on a full load of applications and what not. Add all the other things I've been posting about lately and I have a perfect recipe for an angry breakdown. I just can't take this **** anymore. I have to consciously keep myself from snapping all the time, which doesn't help because that means that I'm being "too quiet" and "withdrawn". I'm quiet because if I open my mouth I am going to say something mean and angry, even if I'm right about it. I say that with no arrogance, most of the time I think I'm wrong about everything anyway. I am so paralyzed by anger and hate and sadness that my mind just isn't functioning. This is the only place where I can say exactly what I'm thinking without dealing with consequences.