i thought i was better

i thought that i was getting better. i thought that i should be happy that depression is leaving me. But now i realize that even though depression is that nagging horrible person always whispering words into your ear, i miss it. it's so selfish of me. i want to cry. i want to hurt. but i want to be normal. im crying for the first time in weeks. im depresses again but i still dont know how to feel. smile or frown.

i want someone to hug me and hold me and lie to me and say everything will be all right.i dont know anything about myself anymore. i feel like im lying to my T and my parents about how i feel. i just dont know. i want to be depressed. i dont want to be depressed.

I actually know what you mean. Depression has been with me so long I am very comfortable with it. If I am feeling better I worry about what will be expected of me. And then I worry it will come slamming back at any time.

I was told by a pdoc that coming out of a depression is a process. I never really knew it. He even said crying again was a common part of that process. I would say let yourself go through that process and feel better.

This makes sense. Odd sense, but sense.

The symptoms of any illness force us to change if only for a while. There's something in depression's effects you may need right now.

May you find it. Rest as best you can.

(((((((( izzy ))))))))

Sometimes recovery gives us the energy to feel worse. It sounds counter-intuitive, but there is a comfortable numbness about a deep depression that de-sensitises. As the depression lifts, emotions and feelings re-emerge, so maybe that is what you are experiencing.

Is it coming out of the comfortable numbness that scares you or the lack of feeling something, even if it's bad? I feel like the best I can hope for is not caring that I don't care and that I'm a bad person a lot of the time. So when I realise I've not been beating myself up enough I start feeling guilty. At least I can forgive myself when feeling really bad as I know I've punished myself enough for my wrongs. You've just got to remember that being horrible to yourself doesn't help anyone. Being good to yourself might not come naturally but if you can't do it for you, do it for everyone else.