And the truth will set you...free?

So. This is the first time I've ever posted to anything like this. It's really overwhelming but at this point I have lost my entire support system and feel like maybe it's the only way I'm going to start getting control over feeling like a complete alien.

I've struggled with clinical depression for several years now and have chronic autoimmune issues, but I have to say that the past year or so has been the absolute worst I've ever been. I probably should have seen it coming. Within the past year and half I've moved across the country, my parents divorced, my brother was in a serious car accident, my grandpa was diagnosed with ALS, my mom's side of the family had a huge feud and became estranged from one another, my sister got married and had a child (a good thing, of course), and in the process I've lost touch with all of them for various reasons. Most of them are just really busy now and I stopped trying to leave messages. I feel like they must think I'm a really needy person which also makes me feel guilty and even more numb because I just try to keep everything pushed back.

The other thing is that none of them except my mom really believed that depression is a real problem anyways. But it feels very real. Very real. It's more than just being sad about stuff, it's that giant weight that sits on your chest as soon as you open your eyes in the morning, if you've managed to fall asleep the night before. I'm so fake now, having to pretend at work and school that I'm normal even though on the inside I'm this weird mix of searing pain and complete numbness. Right before I joined today I actually tried to reach out to an old friend. I figured, what does it matter. She of course tried to understand. She said she knew how I felt because she gets really depressed and stressed at her job. So I politely thanked her, hung up, and googled "depression support group" because I realized that at this point, the only way I have a shot at making it out of this is by talking to people who get that they don't know exactly how I'm feeling (it's different for everyone) and that I don't want to be judged or preached to. I don't want to hear a joke and I don't "just need" a good night's sleep. I just want to feel like I'm real again.

Hang on in there! I hope you find the support you need. I'm sure you'll find plenty of awesome people ready to be there for you on this site if nowhere else. It sucks when people who don't understand think they can empathise with you...you know they're only trying to help, so you're not allowed to resent them...but you can't help it, right? It just makes you feel even more out of touch. I wish there was a different word for clinical depression, then maybe people wouldn't think they'd experienced it because of having gone through 'depressing' circumstances.

Welcome to PC. I think you will find what you are looking for in this section.

Oh it is real...it is very very real. For me total numbness totally describes it. For me it has nothing to do with sadness. I am very sorry you have lost so much support and have so much change going on. That is not easy on depression. Keep posting.

hi blueeyedgirl
since you don't seem to have a support system I hope you will consider counseling to give you the coping skills to manage your depression. you can also try googling a nami support group in your area. that will give you a place to go talk about your feelings where they will understand. welcome to psych central. you will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

I totally agree monkeybruv, "depression" is such a commonly used word now for other things that it's hard for most to really get what it means to have actual depression. Completely different ballgame.

I have done counseling in the past when I was first diagnosed and actually loved the therapist I had. It's something I would absolutely do again and have looked into, but my insurance doesn't cover it anymore and figuring out how to afford even the income-based has been hard. I checked at the college I'm at but they don't offer services like that either so that's also what kind of brought me here. But it already feels like a good choice. I like that I don't feel judged for being honest and I don't have to be that perfect, smiley young lady everyone thinks I am.

BluEyedGirl, I'm sorry that you've lost your support system, but as others have said, you'll find tremendous compassion and understanding on PC. I know all too well that clinical depression is a serious, hard-to-deal-with illness, and it takes more than a good night's sleep to battle it. I find it's a tough battle nearly every day. It's good that you are at least able to remain in school and working on top of it! Be grateful you have the wherewithal to do that. My depression is so severe that I can't work right now. I'm barely functioning at all. I hope things improve for you soon.

What's your favorite ice cream flavor? i won't say I can understand you because I have not experienced what you have, and I'm not a good speaker, but err... Welcome to PC!