rut; stuck in

Saw T tonight and was pretty much dreading it. Feel like I've taken a spiral downwards for the worse and getting anxiety of late of the notion of being trapped like this forever

Told her this and apologised... felt lousy and worried that I would 1. be frustrating her and 2. it would look like I was self-perpetuating my 'issues'.

She surprised me and said that I wasn't to worry... that work we've done up to now is about timing and that if stuff isn't working it can be put on the back burner. That she acknowledged I have a strong network of core beliefs from my youth that are going to take time to break down.

She spoke about what I'd done this week and I said that I'd welled up in speaking to the wife and to anyone irl for the most part, if anything I've just closeted away from everyone. She asked me quite a hard and what some might conceive an uncomfortable question "do you want to be married?". Sat there and chewed this question in my head... said that I love my wife, that right now I wasn't being a great husband... but this is just a moment in time... I've been the best I can in the past... and I'm sure I'll do the same in the future... that I don't intend to burn bridges based on the situation I'm in at the moment. However, that I don't want to cry for help over and over again... that I feel like I'm a broken record and I don't like appearing weak, even though I feel inside that I am.

She went on about 'no man is an island' and that it's important to communicate, especially with those close... so I said I'd try.

She seems convinced that we'll get a break through when we start the trauma work next month. Really dreading it... dreading that things I don't really want to talk about become fresh in my mind... or that I'll avoid certain things due to conceiving them stuff I just can't talk about, even to her (which won't do me any good in the long run).

Still feeling crappy, but it's reassuring that she took the back step in her stride.

((((((((( TJ )))))))))

Wise!

It's so difficult to construct and maintain a wider perspective while depressed.

Its good not to make important decisions when you are depressed. Therapy is soooo difficult. You are doing really well. Try to take the sessions as you find them. I know that is easier said than done. Take care.

It sounds like you are taking an honest look at yr life and that is commendable. Stay strong. I always think that it takes a very strong man to look at himself and his issues. My father is 86 and has NEVER taken a look at his behavior...never looked at the fact that he's lived his whole life in depression. He's just a miserable man and I feel very sorry for him. He did alot of damage to me growing up but he never saw it and still doesn't to this day. Anyways depression is VERY hard to live with...it is not easy looking at our past and trauma we've had to endure. I think you are totally on the right track...You may feel like you've spiraled downwards but you are in the fight of yr life and you are doing the good work by seeking help. Be proud of yr self. Try not to put yr self down for yr depression cause it's not yr fault. It's a chemical imbalance that we can't stand. But given the proper treatment we can conquer it. Yes it takes time but we've got plenty of that so keep yr head up high and be proud of yr self. Thx for coming on here and sharing with us. Keep coming back. We're always here for eachother.

Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk

Moving forward with serious, goal oriented therapy.....
((((((TJ)))))

Best of wishes to you. Continue to post to us. We don't get tired of hearing about your troubles because we understand. We are there with you. I have faith that things are going to get better. I agree, I would not make major decisions when in the pit of depression that you would regret later.

Thanks all. Been a bit of a busy day so didn't really get a chance to respond till just now. Had a training course to go on (I'm one of the 2 first aiders at work), which was pretty tiring and full of assessments... muddled through and just tried to keep my mind empty.

Had some pretty nasty nightmares last night... gruesome horror film types which didn't really set my day up very well

In answer to the posts above... Yes, I 'try' to look at the broader picture when I'm in a position to do so... got a horrible habit of becoming very introspective and quiet.. so that can cloud my ability now and then.

Made an effort tonight to do something with the wife.. met up with her after work and went for a small meal in town... listened to her talk about her day and asked her lots of questions... so I think that made her happy.

Really exhausted as I type this... but I do have to be aware of others and I'm going to try and make more of an effort to include them, partially rely on them... and let them know more when I'm struggling... will see how it goes.

Rather than just "crying for help", you could try to be really specific about the type of help you need, therefore each time would be unique and not a broken record. Asking for help is never weak, it is brave, I'd rather drown than ask someone to throw me a rope so I admire your resolve to be more open.

Good luck on relying on others when struggling.

That’s the whole theory/practice argument, though I appreciate what you are saying. It is repetitive, it is hard to verbalise… and I was brought up to not share… that people have their own problems, they don’t need to hear my crap… and that’s exactly how I look at it: “my crap”.

Reminds me of the lyrics from that old Bobby McFerrin song:

“Cause when you worry
Your face will frown
And that will bring everybody down”

As for specific help… hard to really differentiate what kind of ‘help’ you want when in deep depression or an anxiety attack… it’s either a cascade of chaotic thoughts crashing into each other… or just nothing, dark empty nothingness.

Meh

Sorry, not in a very good place today.

With the wife, I’m just going to make her aware if it’s a bad day… ask for a hug if I need it (this is something she’s much happier with than trying to reason with me) and try to do more things with her.

I do not know about you, TJ, but I need help, and there are people that want to help me but I am not making it easy for them and I do not know how to change that. I send you a hug

Hmm, I'd hit my head yesterday and was a bit muzzy, I was probably trying to hard to say something nice and just came out with a load of trite advice. "My crap" is that I'm over compensating for being a loner and wanting to be nice to everyone without thinking stuff through. Never mind.

It didn't seem like trite, was sound advice.. Just hard or me making obstacles for myself to apply it. Sorry if my reply came out bad

I'm probably oversensitive today - hormones when will they ever end?