So afraid of being homeless

I really have brain damage. I should of been worried last night, but I'm more worried this morning. This is not good.

I hope you can find a way to accept that you are who you are, love yourself, and find the courage to take care of yourself.

One of the symptoms of depression is that people don't think clearly, see themselves in a negative light, and (speaking of your sleeping through) they tend to have low energy and sleep a lot.

Would you punish yourself for limping if you had a broken leg? If you were blind would you think yourself bad for not being able to see?

I think it's the same thing. You have a disease, and the bad thoughts you think are caused by that disease, not by same innate failure of you as a person. LOL! I can't tell you NOT to think bad thoughts, since I just said that that's what happens with depression, but I'm just hoping you can accept that THAT'S what it is, and use that for motivation to self care.

Slept most of the day. Friend I am staying with help me for a little but before I went back to sleep. Tried to contact 2 other people. Thought about calling suicide line but not bad off yet. Because of my nightmare of family abandoning me, I couldn't function. I thought it was best to sleep the pain away. Also been listening to audio to relax. Been trying to think positive thought by being grateful for what I have. Nothing is working.

I think I accept who I am. All self care I am using is still keeping me alive. Some day a little giimce of happiness. Feel real bad as family I live with have children. I don't want to be effected by me.

Need to figure out a better plan. Trying to figure out getting free medical care when this state don't provide it and everything being far away from me is draining me. The thought I have to have 3 hours transportation or even 2 to see someone for few minutes than bad to another 3 hours on buses makes me feel worse. My whole days will be wasted on transportation for therapy and medication that half works. I've been on that road in before but not that much transportation. My life didn't get better. It actually got worse though some thought it was better. So tired...so tired of this struggle.

I need to work. Even working for my friend, I can't do. She have been really nice and kind.

<<All self care I am using is still keeping me alive>>

YEP!

Gosh, for the first time reading these boards, I have tears. Tears from a memory, the memory of what pride feels like.

I've pretty much wasted the last ten years of my life, wasted in the sense of material accomplishments, friends, etc., etc. Just sat here, basically.

And I felt so guilty, which of course made it worse.

Then, in the worst of that guilt, the voice in my head scolded, "So what the heck have you accomplished today?"

And there was the answer welling up from the depths of my soul"

"I STAYED ALIVE, DAMMIT! I STAYED ALIVE!"

And I felt so proud of myself, cause I realized that for me, staying alive IS a big accomplishment, and something to be very, very proud of.

I'm crying as I write this. Letting go of the shame, the guilt, the grief.... and accepting that I am ... who I am. I'm me, that's all.

And that's enough.

I hope to get to your place want2want where I feel proud that I stayed alive. I still don't feel it. It is a great accomplishment. May you feel it every day.

I don't think I will be getting medical treatment. I don't really want to and the person I am living with believe I can become better without it. Part of me don't want to go through the last 2 years again with doctors and therapist and the huge part is there is nothing near me and having no money. I was so active in the beginning of the week looking for medical help, but the whole day of sleeping the other day and feeling hopeless with unknown future and nightmare of my family abandoning me...got me all lost again.

I really have no idea. I am so lost in Texas. I made a mistake coming here for trying to make my life better. I didn't make a mistake moving in with the friend who took me in. I like being with her. But when I came here, I didn't realize how my depression might effect her children and family. I think I might be writing same things over again. What I made a mistake is that I...sorry, I had to take a cig break. The family I am living with is kind to give me cigs, but I want to quit. It helps, I guess, for now with my emotions.

I tried very hard in life not to get depression again, but it keeps coming back. I tried very hard with my own family, my marriage and work. All these things I have failed. My family kicked me out of their lives, my ex-husband left me and within short period found the love of his life and my career is gone. I tried. I try to learn and make myself better and tried to problem solve all the issues that came into my life. I read tons of self help books and got medical and therapy help. And yet, I am at this point where I have nothing, but the kindness of my friend. This is why I say this is my last shot. I am so tired. I tried so hard and I made a lot of mistakes that I don't even know about.

I came to live here with my friend in Texas because I believed being close to someone who really loves you will make all the difference. But i just feel really alone because I can't move around freely here and I don't know anyone else. In ny, I had friends, but they weren't this close like her. NY, I knew places and some people. If I wanted to see doc, I knew where to go. Though Medicaid was taken from me, I could of gotten it again, but that would of been a lot of hassle. It just wasn't working out in NY. I couldn't find a real job. People told me I wasn't working hard enough looking for a job. My friend here, gave me a job working at her company but I don't get paid because they aren't doing well. But even though, they are going through a lot of hardship, they took me. And on top of it, I can't do the job which is causing me great stress. I am a failure all around because I should be able to lift myself up because I'm a able body.

I guess, I am just going on and on about it, but I can't solve this problem that I feel stuck...even though I am not.

I know I am very lucky that I have a place and I'm not on the street. I feel very lucky and not deserving of this bed my friend allows me to sleep on. I just want to solve my problem and just do it..and succeed in something.

I just don't know why I failed at almost everything. This is my real depression. It's not just in my head. It really happened. I never ever thought that my life would be like this. Every time, I think it can't get worse, it does. Though I do see the positive things that have happened and I'm grateful for them. I really am. Whatever might have happened, I'm really grateful for my friend.

I went back to sleep then woke up. I'm surprise I'm feeling better.